Families, Friends and an Eating Distress

The term family describes a ‘unique cluster of people who enjoy a special relationship by reason of love, marriage, procreation, and mutual dependence’.

Friends and family members are often the forgotten victims of ED. It is often difficult to know what to do for the person or for yourself and other family members. As a family member or friend, the most important point to remember is that no one can control another person’s behaviour. We do, however, have power over our own actions. Therefore, the first step to a successful journey to help someone recover from eating distress is to decide to expand one’s knowledge of the condition. Not understanding can set the family on a dangerous course.

It is important to note that the family’s involvement will be different from case to case depending on the sufferer’s age and whether or not they reside in the family home. The younger the client, the more the family needs to be involved. Experience and literature indicate that the family’s first reaction to the knowledge of ED in their offspring is anxiety and guilt.

Therefore, the first step in the recovery process with the family is to lower the anxiety levels and address the feeling of guilt. Families need to develop trust in the therapeutic process and take a supportive role by learning about the condition.

ED affects each and every member of the family. Some members may develop anxiety concerning the ill member’s state of health. Siblings and other members may begin to feel neglected, as the sufferer becomes the focus of attention. The family’s communication and other activities can be disrupted in order to accommodate the ill person’s needs. The good news is that although this is often a painful and stressful process, the family system as whole will improve if the family or at least some members have the desire to change.

It is important for family members to take appropriate care of themselves and to focus on the positive. These changes enable the family to communicate differently and, therefore, slowly allow the child to express themselves more openly. The sufferers need as well to be given space to express her/his emotions, and learn to develop new strategies to cope with stress and daily hassles using verbal rather than non-verbal, behavioural communication.

As the family’s understanding of the condition grows, it is emphasized that the parents and the therapist form a team with the client against the condition. This alliance allows the client to feel fully understood and progressively restores and creates for him/her the feeling of unconditional love.

It is important to express concerns, fears and observations, but in a loving and non-judgemental manner. Even if this is not received very well, it is important not give up! People who have recovered from this illness often state that being loved as they are, being believed in, and not being given up on were crucial factors in their recovery.

Many people who try to help sufferers tend to focus immediately on the food issues. However, usually something much deeper than eating is bothering the person. They have channelled their negative emotions into a destructive coping mechanism of which controlling food is only one symptom. Most of the time, the sufferer is not fully aware of this process.

If someone in the family develops an ED, it is time to listen. Eating is only a symptom of underlying concerns.

Parenting can often seem overwhelming making parents want to turn to experts for advice and just follow ‘good rules of parenting’. But parents have usually more information than they are aware. It is quite common to find that sufferers are often uncertain of the parent’s love even if it is constantly repeated.

Neither the patient nor the family can be blamed or criticised for developing an ED.

Parents are confused and shaken by the many conflicting health messages. They need to learn to trust themselves again. Parents need to learn to trust their own judgments again and feel confidant in their parenting abilities. Learn to enjoy parenting.

Parents and professionals need to work together and speak the same language of positive values and hope. We all need to remember that weight, eating and health cannot become an obsession that makes one’s life worthwhile. Wellness and wholeness are not about attaining perfect health or even longevity. Wellness and wholeness should be about improving our present quality of life in emotional, social and spiritual ways.

Cooperation between family and professionals can restore normal eating by creating a supportive atmosphere without fears and anxieties. The family involvement is very beneficial to the recovery of the client. However, the involvement should be properly guided so that the family member plays a supportive role in the treatment process rather than trying to be the therapist. Their negative feelings need to be worked out in family educational sessions with a competent eating distress practitioner. A flexible, low-key approach focusing on supporting the child with unconditional love and acceptance helps to reduce the tensions and fears.

Mothers, fathers and significant others in children’s lives who are worried about their own weight and talk about the fat or calorie content of food and voice these concerns, can influence children at very early ages. A parent’s anxiety about a child’s weight adds to the tension, fear and confusion a child may be feeling. Families need to be safe places were children are seen as beautiful individuals. Children need reassurance that every person, not depending on their weight, is okay, just as he or she is. Parents and Professionals need to model and teach active living, positive outlook on life and as part of that, normal eating.

If distorted eating patterns arrive it is time to listen. When a child presents with eating difficulties, often parents are surprised by the extent to which their child has been able to hide changes in their feelings and behaviour. A number of eating behaviour can cause concerns: food phases or trends and restrictive eating, selective eating of the pre-school years, overeating during growth spurt, food phobia to name a few.

It is not recommended to attempt to influence these behaviours too vigorously. It is best to just monitor intake changes and discuss them with a professional practitioner who understands eating distress. Age is no barrier to developing eating distress. People usually think of childhood as a happy time. They tend to forget that it is also a time of emotional bumps and bruises, many of them painful and upsetting.

The changes to look for:

• Mood changes
• Development of different rigid routines
• Defiance and stubbornness
• Increase attempts to worry about others
• Self-dislike
• General irritability
• Difficulties in sleeping
• Fear of gaining weight
• Social withdrawal and isolation
• Using a lot of salt, vinegar or spices
• Drinking a lot of water or diet drinks
• Extreme irritability when meal times are changed
• Denying hunger
• Measuring self-worth in terms of amount of food eaten
• Secret eating and storing food or hiding food
• Other forms of harming, scratching, hair pulling or hurting themselves

Often we do not realise the power that our words have on children. Children as well as some adults can take things very personally. But, children especially are very sensitive to some remarks like ‘you are stupid, you are fat, you are clumsy’. These remarks can powerfully undermine a child’s sense of self-worth. We can use instead: I am not pleased with your behaviour, come over and let’s talk about it… This gives us access to a better state, to intelligently communicate our feelings and distresses. It also gives a message to the child that it is not them but their behaviour what needs to be changed.