xx (: Recognising and cherishing sensitivity :) xx
I was in the hairdresser's this morning, and somehow we got chatting about sensitivity. Actually, it wasn't 'somehow'. It was because I was asking how her kids have settled back into school...being a teacher, enquiries like this always result in a longer conversation than they might if someone with no personal involvement with children had asked!
Can I just say how nice it is to have enough self-worth to get my hair cut often enough to be able to ask how the stylist's kids are getting on! I don't go shockin' often, but I no longer feel the need to wait until my hair is gone ridiculously long and unmanageable before I get a cut.
I don't mind that little tangent, because it's good news in itself, I believe, to have evidence of increased self-worth to refer to:)
Back to my original point about sensitivity, the conversation was a lovely one, from which both I and the stylist benefited. I've been reading a book called 'The Highly Sensitive Person'. I'm sorry, I don't have it here with me and I can't remember the author, but that's the exact title. It was recommended to me by a friend of mine, who has never had any ED-type experiences, but is undoubtedly another sensitive soul nonetheless.
Basically, between the hairdresser talking about her little boy's school situation, and her own unpleasant school experiences, and then her having to go and take a phonecall in the middle of cutting my hair, for which she had to disappear behind the counter (almost under it!) to be able to talk, I ended up saying something like 'you're probably a highly-sensitive person'. She reacted as if I'd surprised her by being spot on. I went on to say, 'I find i'm very sensitive to noises etc. too - i'm always turning the volume down on things and I have to plug out appliances if I'm in a quiet room alone, because the humming puts me off' and so on. Well, you should have seen her -it was like a light switched on for her - 'Oh my God, that's what I'm like!'
I always make sure to keep these sorts of conversations very general, so that I neither give too much of myself to it, nor end up sounding like I'm psycho-analysing the poor person I'm talking to.
So, I went on to say i'd been reading this book about highly sensitive people (I left out the bit about having had years of therapy due in large part to my own super-sensitivity!), which said we tend to be more emotionally sensitive too, affected by events around us and sometimes influenced more by others' words and actions than other people might be. The hairdresser was delighted with the fact that she fully identified with all I had to say.
But it wasn't just that which made me feel good about the conversatin. Firstly, I got to tell her, when she called herself 'stupid' for crying over news stories etc., that being sensitive was a gift, which probably made her a better friend, sister, and mother. This, of course, made me feel great, because hearing myself say it, and it sounding so reasonable and true, allowed me to believe it for myself also.
Secondly, our chat reassured me that being a sensitive person is nothing abnormal. There are plenty of highly-sensitive people (the book calls us 'HSP's) floating around the place, leading perfectly 'normal' lives.
So the bottom line for me is that my sensitive nature is a gift I AM ALLOWED to cherish. Certainly, this school year, I have been appreciating for the first time since i began teaching several years ago, that it DOES make me a better teacher. A lot of my self-talk around my job has historically been very critical and harsh, so this new perspective is welcome! It can be very tiring being hard on yourself all the time, and it doesn't make you any better at the task at hand.
I feel great now, with my new awareness of others' sensitivity and my new hair. I'm ready for anything!
Embrace that which makes you who you are - no one else in this world has this unique combination of characteristics. i think that's pretty cool.
KISS:
Keep
It
Simple,
Sensitive:)
All the best,
Michelle xxx
Hey Michelle,
Love the post. I read that book a while ago as well, and although I didn't make it through it all!, I found it very refreshing. It also reassured me to find that many people are sensitive. Did you read that part about the two twins, one sensitive and the other not? I thought that was really interesting, as the sensitive twin reminded me of me as a child, just way more affected by things. It was also nice to know that the child's parents recognised sensitivity, hence could work with their son and use it to make him interested in music etc, embrace it...
I read that book towards the end of my recovery journey. I think before that I probably hadn't really recognised my sensitivity beyond that fact that it was apparently behind my ED, although I always that everyone else in the centre must be way more sensitive than me. But through reading it and also doing my own discovering, I started to learn and understand what it was for me. Like you said it even comes down to noises etc, and one thing that I started to realise that the sensitivity was never going away, even if I did fully recover, so I would need to learn to understand and embrace it.
At first, like you said, I only really saw the sensitivity for what it 'took' from me, but this changed a lot. It gives and contributes to a lot of the things that we take for granted - like kindness, sense of humour, the ability to observe the world, the ability to trust and know ourselves, be a good judge of character etc. Most of the time now, I don't feel the sensitivity affects my life in a negative sense very much at all anymore. However, there are still the occassional times when I get 'white noise' in my mind however, and get extremely overwhelmed by things, and I know this is down to my sensitivity. This always passes however, and because I am a sensitive person, I learn from this experience, so that I am more wise with dealing with it the next time.
Thanks for your great post. You made such a difference to that girl today I'm sure. It is a shame that sensitivity goes so misunderstood in society I think. However, like you, I have come across people who are aware of their or other people's sensitivity as well (and would not have been people with an ED), and I have found this very refreshing also.
Martha x x
Hey,
The book is by Elaine Aron. The quiz from the book is actually up on this website. And the quiz was used in group about three or four years ago when the topic was sensitivity.
Actually this year I had the pleasure of living with someone who is completely the opposite to me, totally not sensitive at all, and I saw that there is huge value and freedom in being not so sensitive too.
This person for example never picked up on negative energies, never picked up on dirty looks or cold tones of voices and body language; she believed your words rather than looking at the language your body speaks. If you said "no" she thought you meant no. She never picked up on if she was irritating or annoying someone so she never changed her behaviour and miraculously people saw that the games they play with "acting off" with someone didn't work for her and so they were forced to either speak to her directly or accept her as she was. Nothing stayed in her, built up in her system - everything just washed off her. She said to me: Problems never become part of her. She can feel emotions but they never consume her. She acted completely herself all the time regardless of whoever was around..if she wanted to sing she sang, dance she danced, sleep she slept.....Someone could fight with her and she'd forget it 5 minutes later
she used to look at me with such genuine pity sometimes and say: You are too sensitive. She used to think i was psychic sometimes because I picked up on things she couldn't feel and notice things she did't see..
I have to say I think both being highly sensitive and not being sensitive are gifts when used in the right way. She, for example, would definitely never suffer from an eating disorder and never stays in problems for too long. She will always march to her own drum beat, and she didn't need to go to therapy for ten years to learn how to do that. Living with her I have seen how my sensitivty makes me more conscientious and sensitive about other people's desires and that can leave you feeling restricted and inward. My sensitivity means things soak into me deeper; I am affected by people, environments, noise etc. I am more wary in forming relationships.. I don't think i feel things deeper, but i definitely feel the same emotion deeply for longer; i can think too much and do things to avoid feelings I don't want - I am a little jealous of her, without the sensitivity I have, it seems she is free of a huge burden - yet I would not want to be her. We all need to make the best of what we have.
it would be ideal if i could take some parts from her and replace parts of me with them without changing all of who I am - but life doesn't work that way... you don't get to pick and mix a person. But she has been one of the most inspirational people i have ever met and because of her I live a little differently
Now I view the sensitivity as a gift, however this was not always the case. At one point there were a couple of shops I could not venture into, as would get so overwhelmed feeling as if I was on the verge of a panic attack - the two shops in question the ground floor wasn't a problem, however the upstairs section was very problematic - the two shops were upstairs in HMV on Grafton Street, and also upstairs in Boots in the Jervis Street Shopping Centre. Now I am much more adept at able to manage my own energy, and the difference now is very profound - being able to walk through town without feeling as if 'I need to get out of here NOW'. The recession has certainly helped in this regard too :). When heading out I tend to use some techniques such as calling on my angels to protect me, visualising a golden sphere around my energy, and have found these to be very effective in keeping my own energy, and energetic boundaries strong. I love Judy Hall's books on psychic protection, as have found through a combination of those techniques, as well as some experimenting of what feels right for me, I am much more adept at managing my own energies than I would have been in the past. There is a self empowerment technique which I have also used, which works in transmuting any energies that are not serving me. The sensitivity is a gift as it helps me pick up on different energies, vibes etc when I give someone a reiki treatment.
For me, part of my journey was learning to trust the vibes I got - when I haven't done so, it has been shown to me how my first instincts were accurate, so in time I have learned to trust my initial instincts more.
In the past I would have suffered with caring about others too much, at the expense of my own self - am glad to say that this is no longer the case, as I have to be there for myself first and foremost, before I can be there for others.
Personally, I believe everyone is sensitive when you shed the layers. I see it with my brother for instance, he is so sensitive, but the ego and defences are what people see first, that they don't always see the sensitivity. It really comes down to how you manage it which can make it that bit more comfortable to manage. It has been important to befriend and embrace that part of myself in order for me to be able to see it as the gift which it is, and to use it accordingly.
In love and light,
Mystique
I laughed when you wrote the bit about "getting out of here NOW" haha - I can totally relate to that feeling; and I have found for me personally anyway that in life you simply can't always just run away or wrap yourself in a bubble so that you are never over-sensitisied.
I definitely agree that it is how it is mangaged that determines how you handle and experience life. i also agree that everyone is sensitive and that can be hidden when you don't know someone very well.
I also think that there are varying degrees of it. This girl I lived with for example, definitely couldn't sense a fight in the air or the agitation and stress of other people and what I loved about living with was seeing how these kind of emotions from other people had no power in her world. And the responses of others on seeing this was to actually realise they had no power over her and so to give her the freedom to be herself and stop fighting to make her into something different.
I think you definitely have a more fulfilling and expansive life when you learn to manage the sensitivity.
Also, I once wanted people to understand my own super-sensitivity - and now I believe that I also need to accept that some people are not as sensitive as me or super-sensitive and I also need to offer understanding for that as well
This is really interesting and has made something in my life easier. at home i have always felt different and a lot of tension between myself and another person. its only reading this that i can understand a little of what is going on. i am the sensitive one she is not. until i read about how living with someone who isnt super sensitive can also be helpful i just found it hard. something you said made me realsie that we both have a place in the home. and that i can actually learn from her how she reacts. it doesnt mean i am wrong or broken but that we are just different. that in some situations been sensitive helps in some situations and that in others its helpful to act like someone who isnt. she really isnt aware of anything or how ppl feel or how in some circumstances she can make ppl feel. me on the other hand picks up on everything. this has helped me clarify a lot in my head and given me another way to look at everything. i think for me though there is a balance im missing - not taking everything to heart or caring only about what ppl think or feel. at the same time not been unaware or ignoring myself and others. the balance is healthy mix of using sensitivity and also protecting myself.
This is really a beautiful thread and all your posts very helpful to understand the subject sensitivity.
It took me a long time to understand what this sensitivity actually was, what it meant for me, and how I could start to embrace it rather than falling back into the blame-game again (well, it is the sensitivity's fault that I have ed, of course I can't recover...)
Another thing also was that, at the early stage of recovery I somehow felt that I actually wasn't sensitive at all, rather the opposite. But the more I moved on I realised that my numbness was part of condition, that the condition actually was the means to numb out the sensitivity...if that makes any sense.
Now I cherish this sensitivity and respect it. I don't take everything personally, I can stop myself from doing mind-reading games or assume that I know more about one person that I actually do. I leave places where the music is too loud or the light annoys me or the smells are too strong. There are people who love going to night clubs or discos, I don't really.
Thanks for pointing out that book, I found this lady's web site, very interesting, thanks again.
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
I'd just like to say that I've got so much more out of reading the varied and equally enlightening replies to my orioginal post, than writing the post in the first place.
Míle buíochas daoibh go léir (many thanks to you all).
Interestingly, I had a very unpleasant evening yesterday, due in part to how sensitive I am in contrast to a certain important person in my life, but also in due in part to my inability to accomodate her different (equally valid and acceptable) level of sensitivity around a particular issue. The fact that it was the DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HOW SENSITIVE WE WERE ABOUT THE ISSUE AT HAND was the source of the row which ensued only became clear to me after I'd left the situation.
I'm not even close to knowing it all, am I?!
Not even to knowing some of it...
Or any of it...
Thank God for that! :)
Thanks for all the wisdom shared,
Michelle x
Hi everyone! This is quite an old post, but the title drew me to it. I too have read that book, 'The Highly Sensitive Person'. I read it a few years ago, and I remember at the time I read it I felt even MORE sensitive than usual, because it made me more aware of all the different ways I'm sensitive.
I found it very interesting to read some of the replies that emphasized the value of not being so sensitive too. I made a friend like that last summer, and it was actually SO REFRESHING! She would bring up subject matters to discuss at work which most people would be too shy to bring up to their closest friends! It was amazing how the ice broke, and we were all discussing the most intimate matters in the staff room! I felt very liberated around her. This particular friend is now living in an ashram in Australia for a while - not feeling pressured by life and society to worry about career etc. While she didn't have that extra insight into what words might hurt or offend someone else that many of us 'HSP's have, she was still always very kind and respectful.
Another thing that I learned recently in regard to my sensitivity is the danger of over-empathizing with other people. Sometimes we automatically assume that other people are as sensitive as we are, so we treat them extra-delicately, we worry so much about how they will react to our actions...we think a 'no' from us could tear them apart - when it could be like water off a duck's back in reality!
I just try to keep my energy inwards - draw it towards myself, rather than letting it dissipate outwards towards everyone else - visualizing this helps me!
It's a fascinating subject anyway!!
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Thanks for replying, Martha, it's always brilliant to hear from the recovered perspective. Life's so much easier when you accept what makes you You and my sensitivity is a part of that.
I don't know if I made much of a difference to the hairdresser, but if she is as sensitive as it seems from out conversation, some of what I said might come back to her. Either way, I feel increasingly comfortable embracing all the aspects of my personality I used to dislike, reject, or just plain deny were there, and this was a nice wee chance to show myself that.
I hope you're keeping well. x
Maybe other icebergers could share how they have experienced their sensitivity, both in positive and negative ways. Certainly, it can't be denied that there are unpleasant effects of being more sensitive to goings on, so maybe you learned something from a negative experience or learned to use your heightened sensitivity to help you with challenging situations.
By the way, I went walking in the Dublin mountains this afternoon. They're so accessible to anyone anywhere near the M50, so I'd encourage anyone at a loose end to head up - never mid what the weather's like; the more blustery, the better!
While I was there, I passed (among a LOT of dog-walkers) a woman with a baby in a buggy, stooping to take a photograph of something in the undergrowth. 'Possibly another sensitive soul, using her senses in a very positive way, to connect with, and experience more fully, her environment:)
Have a lovely week everyone. I'll just share one last thing I've recently realised is very important - when all else fails (and possibly at other times too!) take a deep breath.
Grá ollmhór,
Michelle xx