Would I ever go back to ed?

Dear Joanne,

What an inspiring, motivational post! I remember when I was in the condition, I was SO terrified of letting it go and for a long time I fought tooth and nail to keep it. I found it very hard to believe or understand that a recovered person would not want to go back.

This aspect of recovery, for me, was a bit like moving out of home! When I entered treatment it was a bit like discovering, as a child, that you will someday have to leave home and become independent. Obviously as a child you are not ready to leave home and the thought of doing so would be terrifying because you are not mature enough nor have you developed the skills to take care of yourself yet. As you get older you begin to experience moments of independence - you start off going to sleep-overs in your friends' houses, next you may go on summer camps, then Irish college or as an exchange student in a foreign country. It will be challenging, you will probably be homesick or indeed you may love your new-found independence and look forward to the day that you can be your own person. However, for some, these experiences could make you feel even more apprehensive about moving out of home because you realise, right now, just how reliant you are on your parents and family. Of course you will not be fully independent yet but it is a taster of what is to come. As you are getting older and you mature, you learn the necessary skills of life and of being independent. These changes happen gradually and eventually you will crave your freedom so you will go onto college or move away to work and, if you are like me, after a while you cannot imagine ever living at home again because your freedom, being totally independent and being your own boss is a fantastic feeling. This is what full recovery is like. I could NEVER go back because life on the other side is SO much better. Please don't ever be afraid of what is to come because, trust me it is worth it!

I hope this makes sense!

C xx

Joanne,
How very, very, very, very, very inspiring.
I completely relate to everything you've expressed in your post.
I really find this question very annoying "how do you know you're recovered?" "would you ever go back?" People can be uncomfortable about the new more confident, no nonsense, happier, recovered you. I know some people are probably just curious but I've experienced a lot of skeptism not only about recovery but even about the concept of being happy & content in yourself. A few years ago when i was becoming quite annoyed
- I heard this phrase on Oprah - "mediocrity always attacks excellence" - There's nothing worse than seeing someone happy when you're miserable

We do all have choices - We can stay in the ED and allow it to bully us into being a small person or we can find the courage to be more.
ED is a sad, lonely place where I personally lived out the ugliest, most unattractive version of myself.. it is not a good place, a safe place or a happy place. The condition is an ugly thing & it robs us of our beautiful selves and everything we have the power to be
Other people's doubts are all about their own limitations, not yours. People will judge you by their own standards. Here's to creating your own & continuing to be an inspiration girl

I want to feel 'completely solid', like you Joanne. And Lee, I think that 'ugly thing' describes the condition perfectly.
I am tired of this. I want to be free.
Only I can win this for myself.
I can do anything, once I shake myself free of the cocoon.
I have tears in my eyes, but that's alright. i'm just tired of fighting.
It doesn't mean i'll stop. I know it will be worth it.
Thank you girls and all recovered people, for continuing to be an inspiration and a help to me.
I will join you. I will. I will. I did nothing to deserve to stay in this place forever. I will get out.
I'm so sad. I can't believe I still have such sadness inside me.
But I will be happy.
Life IS beautiful.
Thanks, Michelle xx

Today I spent a 'lazy' day with my son. We got up late then in the afternoon he wanted to go for lunch (preferring somewhere that served chicken nuggets!), then we spent a lot of the afternoon on the sofa which today was not a sofa but in fact a motor boat, the two of us with my beloved old Bagpuss teddy as our shipmate, zooming past pirates, ducks, dolphins & other boats. Sounds silly but was so much fun when you're sitting beside a five year old who truly believes we are doing just that!

When I was in the condition I would have beaten myself up for getting up so late, panicked about even entering a fast-food restaurant, let alone eating in one and spending an afternoon on the sofa would have been, in the conditions opinion, sinful. I wouldn't have spent the afternoon laughing, that's for sure.

So, would I ever go back? What do you think...?

Hi Joanne,

What a beautiful beautiful article!!!

At the moment I’m trying to accept “being human” e.g. accept that sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m disappointed… Not chasing after these false highs and looking at the scales to “feel good” all the time.

Like just now after lunch, it’s a lovely sunny day here in Australia but I was feeling a bit tired so I decided to go on the computer and read Iceberg for a while. The ED is saying that I “Should” hang around with everyone else in the sun… but I feel a lot better now just walking away from everyone for a few mins when I was feeling a bit tired. So now I’ll be a more pleasant person to be around!

So I’m really really really glad that you mentioned your different moods and times in your life, not just the good. Although the more grounded I feel, the more I don’t see moods like “sad”, “angry” etc as “bad”. I’m still happy and centered, and feeling a bit curious about the “bad” feeling.

Rock on!!!

Dwari