What our birthdays mean in condition and in freedom

It's my birthday tm and first off not even a year ago would I have come on here and stated it so emphatically for fear people might think I was looking for attention. To me that's a change that seems to have happened all on its own - I think a lot of things change like that in recovery - honestly I never thought I'd come on and be seeing it from the roof tops so to speak.

Last year I remember I was too afraid to check my Facebook page in case no one had wished me happy birthday. My facebook page represented what exactly? And when I did pluck up the curiosity not the courage to look and upon which I was greatly surprised I still wasn't able to accept or receive all the lovely wishes I got.

Last year for my birthday I vaguely arranged a day out with some of my friends. I did it vaguely because I thought if ihalf organised it and half asked half the people then I could half blame the low turn out on my organisational skills as opposed to my self. Totally unlovable self. Last year we went to an outdoor adventure centre and instead of enjoying it and the ppl who were there I felt guilty at the expense it had caused them and focused on how unloved I was based on who wasn't there as opposed to who was there.

And that was only last year when I was pretty far in recovery to the point I wasn't expecting any birthday blues.

Our birthday can mean either two things: a whole dedicated to looking for evidence to prove how unloved we are OR (my 1st year experiencing this and excuse me if I'm not clear cos I've no experience feeling this) a day where I feel good in me all by myself, a day where I feel loved because I'm feeling my own self love from the normal day beforehand, it's about to turn 12 here on my phone and I'm smiling cos I'm happy to wish myself happy birthday.....

This year I organised a party in my house, cooked and baked for everyone, the night flew by, I wanted to hit pause, I felt sincere gratitude for the beautiful cards I got, the effort people made to come up and give their Saturday night and not feel guilt but gratitude.

With my family I invited everyone to come to a play with me - were going in Wednesday and I wasn't afraid to ask out of fear of possible rejection.

I don't know what it is - something like when we start accepting ourselves, dare I say like ourselves that we no longer fear rejection. Other people's perceived rejection no longer means what it used to. It now just means they can't come. Full stop.

I don't mean this post to be about my birthday I mean to explain something I can't quite put my finger on.... Because I haven't any experience with it......

I do think a) we lock ourselves away from the love and support out there and when we reach out that when recovery kicks in. It's a 'tool' and a huge benefit/result of recovery. Like it was there all along and our imprisoned lives created and fed into the condition(that came from and goes back to nothing) and at the same time had we always been open we maybe mightn't have known ed.

B) I do think when we work on ourselves and love, like, accept ourselves we become truly independent and get everything we thought we'd get from co-dependence or neediness. When we love ourselves we stop needing the approval of others and that's when the approval of others comes flying in the door - just when you've mastered it for yourself from yourself. It's like a double irony or something.

Sorry I really feel like I'm waffling here and can't find a succinct, basic way to explain this.....

We are all important. We're all humans on this planet and we each have the same innate worth and deservability but....

We claim it for ourselves - it's the only way, the only true, real, permanent way.

I'm 27 now and this year I bury the hatchet with false food myths that muddy my clear enough waters, I make peace with body image and cement my values. I'll regain my full appetite for life. Balance and understand lazy days and 'non-productive' days. I know without hesitation that this is freedom year and it's very close and this year I'll find peace and stability in my life and live in the moment and off the cuff and with enjoyment and gratitude instead of guilt. I already feel a lot of those things a lot of the time but I just want to cement them a bit more....

Just a little more work between the tiles, a coat of varnish, a window sheen of my windows - and off I go. I can't wait to embrace my 27 year old self and embrace my maturity, responsibility and self reliance and self assurance.

I can't wait......

Happy birthday to ALL of us x