Weight gain & exercise during recovery
Hey guys!
I hope this post will be approved of as it is talking quite straight forward about recovery related to weight gain...
At the moment I'm doing quite fine in recovery - nutritionwise, mental stuff etc....but then there are those fears we all know so well...:-(
For example, my biggest fear at the moment is this: I've recently been reading several sources on ana recovery that say that a typical thing in recovery/refeeding is gaining around the body-midsection...
Now, I've really tried hard these last weeks to get relaxed about weight gain, doing self talk, reading recovery success stories etc... but the thing is that have a bad prehistory regarding bodyweight&midsection...It was one of the reasons why I started starving in the first place, it finally pushed me into this awful ED-cycle, so I'm terrified of putting on weight there! EVERYWHERE would be okay but not THERE, where I struggled so long...I had such low self esteem because of it because I really didn't feel comfortable with it.
Don't get me wrong, I approve of gaining weight during recovery - After all it's essential to make the body function properly again!! - and I don't want my body to be perfect (I allow it to have its flaws) but I'm awfully scared of the above mentioned consequences of recovery. I'm seriously terrified ....I'm trying hard to accept my body and started taking good care of it but I'm afraid it would make me relapse if it really happened that I gained weight in that one section;-( And I want to leave ED behind me so BADLY!! Because I know that there are waiting wonderful things for me in life if I get healthy....:-)
However, I'm afraid I won't be able to cope with gaining in the midsection....not after I struggled so long with it, felt sooo uncomfortable with it and always thought I had to hide myself because of it...
Now, a few blunt questions:
First, what do you know about putting on weight in the midsection - is it really very common?? And if, what could I do to relax about it/do something HEALTHY against it?
Secondly, what do you think about exercising during recovery? I often hear that it is advised to avoid it but I am fortunately not dangerously underweight so it might actually be a good thing for me to continue with it....help control my 'weak body section' and make me gain weight in a healthy manner. And not only would it make me feel better but it might also help build up some muscle so that I will be comfortable with my new, healthy body and able to accept it as it is.
So what do you think? I'd really appreciate any advice!! I don't want to destroy this beautiful journey of recovery just because of one such stupid fear which might not even be justified or be prevented in a healthy way!:-)
Lots of love to all of you
Rose
Hi Rose
I found not exercising in recovery very difficult. and all i wanted was to go back. i thought it would help with nutrition, help me feel comfortable in myself, be normal, help me fit in so i could talk to friends or family about what they where interested in, help me gain muscle etc... now looking back it was all ed that wanted to do it another way to disguise the ed, to lose weight and prevent my body getting healthy an way to feel safe knowing i burnt of food. its helpful to talk to a therapist about it, i trusted mine and trusted that she knew when i was in the right place mentally and emotionally to go back to it. i found yoga good and just recently i started salsa dancing. both are something that i never did in ed. so its new no old associations. its now teaching me to stop and start like non ed people can do, to move in a way that helps me connect to my body as opposed to losing weight or numbing out. i still find it difficult to be back in it and the old thoughts creep in but waiting means im that bit stronger and more able to fight the ed and get some enjoyment out of it. taking time out for me was necessary, it meant i developed other interests that did not involve exercise and im glad i did it. but i wish i had listened to others more as i really did drag out the time i couldn't for much longer. i no everyone is different and i know body's need to move but i think its important and anyone can correct me if im wrong that we are in a good place mentally and doing it for the right reasons. (something i argued with for way too long). thats what has helped me anyway. to be honest now the thought of going to the gym still comes but i hate it, i hate the machines, the memories, the torture, the lies the sneaking around and i dont want to go back as much. i find it helpful too for things like walking or dancing to think is this pro recovery or pro condition, will this benefit me or feed my ed.....
Hi Rose,
Would just like to second all that Dora has said with respect to your post.
Keep asking yourself the question " Is this action/thought contructive for Rose or constructive for condition?".
The condition is sneaky/cunning with its lies/fears & how it distorts the thinking but if you really trust yourself & answer honestly you'll know what actions to take that will serve YOU best & not condition.
As you said in your post " you don't want to destroy this beautiful journey of recovery just because of one such stupid fear".
Trust yourself & your actions pro recovery for Rose - you deserve this
xx
Hi Rose...
I can understand your fear of going back to a time, a few years ago, where you felt unhappy and self conscious. Your self worth was very much connected with the way you looked and the belief of not being good enough... You say that that was one of the reasons why the whole ED cycle started...
I say...back then you were already in the middle of the distorted conditioned thinking and behaviour. See, it doesn't really matter what weight you are, it is the thinking that provides the major drive for conditioned self destructive behaviours.
Weight gain or weight loss that happens in a way that is unhealthy and destroys your confidence, happiness, social life, piece of mind, self love and acceptance...is ED driven.
On the other hand, when you start recovery, when you begin to realise that life is so much more that just food, weight and the obsessive thinking of same, when you stop numbing your feelings and emotions and start to fuel your body according to its energy needs, and fuel your mind and soul according to its emotional needs, you learn to love and approve every ounce of yourself as part of your unique special YOU.
Remember: Your body doesn't want to be ill, it has many sensors and antennae that control the different processes in the cells, in the brain, the work of your muscles, the heart... there is a certain amount of protein, glucose, lipids, minerals etc required to have everything working appropriately. Whenever your body is in balance it will reach its natural weight set point, according to your bone structure. The healthy body does not go over- nor under- weight, there are many signs and signals that your body will send to let you know if there is more or less energy required to keep the healthy weight set point...
I don't know where you got your information from, but I doubt that it is in any way representative for recovery. I personally don't have any such experience, and I know many recovered people that don't either...not that it really mattered, to be honest...
Recovery includes the re-dis-covery of YOU and all that is inside you, not just your body from the outside.
The other thing I want to say is: You will never go backwards, time goes forward, you grow and mature and learn and always walk forward. This means: you won't go backwards from one unhealthy eating behaviour to another one, you are always going forward.
It is the condition that is trying to scare you off with traumatic pictures from a past that is past, not future.
Trust that your beautiful body and wonderful mind will recover their healthy harmony that they are meant to have.
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
Thanks so much Robin... you made me feel a lot better even though I realise more and more how much I have to work on in order to call myself "healthy, balanced, recovered..." and the like.
I don't know what's triggering all this negative ed-thinking at the moment, I was getting on so well with recovery. I know that recovery isn't a smooth path but I never thought of falling back like this where my mind and body would feel so disconnected again....where I find it hard to find things I like about myself...
I guess it's because I'm having difficulties with my dad who is getting pretty upset with me when he sees me struggling with ed since he doesn't understand... and because of a few other little things which make me feel I'm not good enough, not loved enough... I don't have the strength yet to build up confidence on my own, I always want others to do it for me and if it doesn't work I crawl back into my cave with ed.
I'm working on it however, I think the key lies in going out into this world and trying to discover what's out there, not always thinking about myself, ed, recovery... distract myself with good films, books, drawing, painting, playing the piano (or at least try to). Eventually, I guess, things will start changing visibly and I won't focus so much on my body, its weight and on 'how things used to be' anymore. Because it's true, I rely too much on the past all the time...but as you say, past is past and we are always going forward, even if it doesn't feel like it.
It's actually a stupid saying 'to go backwards' because things never repeat themselves, they might only happen anew but always in a different manner. Yesah... I really should get rid of the past and keep going forward- or rather LOOKING forward (because I'm always GOING forward but I keep looking beckwards);-)
Thanks for telling me how you know lots of people who didn't have problems with what I read. A friend of mine also aked me if I didn't think that everyone was different...?
I guess there are probably people who gain there but I if I trust my body and MYSELF with handling recovery, everything will happen the right way....if I don't let ed ruin recovery. After all, as you mentioned, our bodies don't want to be under- or overweight and I think if I learn to listen to the signals again my body will automatically become healthy, since over- and underweight is almost always a mind(ed)-thing.
Whenever I start doubting I'll read your post:)
xxx
Rose
i am having similar thoughts on this topic and i feel so confused about it. i have bad pre-history regaurding body weight to and similar toughts like 'controlling my weight' still dominate my mind. walking dancing helps me release anxiety stress and feel better. i enjoy moving my body but i need the balance. i want to move my body in a healthy way for me but i dont no how to go about it or what to do??? any suggestings?? am totally lost!!
Hi fitzy!
Oh I'm so glad you're saying that!!:-)) Reminds me how I'm not alone in all this. We really should let go of these old pictures we have of ourselves. We are who we are NOW and not what we used to be and we will NEVER be like we were before.
I don't know at what point you are in recovery, so not sure if all I'm saying applies to you but I think if we keep working on recovery, we will eventually end up with healthy bodies(i.e. not under- or overweight but just right) and like ourselves the way we are.
About the exercise: I think walking and dancing are definitely among the best options to stay balanced (if it doesn't get too much - you can always exaggerate things). I do both and enjoy it very much as it really releases negative feelings so well. I'd like to do some cardio as well, but I was advised against it. It annoys and confuses me a bit because one always gets to hear how cardio is the only 'effective' exercise and how you should do it 3 times a week, but honestly, it just occured to me (I heard it somewhere before but forgot it) how most of our ancestors didn't struggle in the gym and on stationary bicycles and still managed to maintain a healthy body weight/shape. They just moved their bodies in a natural way and that would be things like walking or dancing.
I also find Pilates something pleasurable that still provides our bodies with healthy exercise. I guess it's somewhere in between: Although it can be exhausting and you might get muscle ache, it is also very relaxing because you consciously work with your breathing and concentrate exactly on what you're doing with your muscles - great for 'control-freaks' such as me!!;-)
Nothing against cardio though...I think it can be very stress-releasing too and can evoke such happy feelings and make you feel so powerful if you enjoy it. However, as long as ED meddles with it it might probably be better to avoid it for sometime. A sure sign might be the ‚guilty-feeling‘ when thinking about not doing it – I get that a lot!!
It‘s just that I feel like walking and occasionally dancing is too little...maybe it isn’t at the moment but later, when I’m healthy again....I think it’s a good thing to do cardio from time to time in order to balance weight and I don’t want to have to avoid it forever just because of ed! Also I don’t think it’s immediately unhealthy to sometimes push oneself a bit to do exercise....the problem lies in finding the difference between a bit of ‚pushing‘ and ed:-/
I hope we get some more views on the exercise-issue....and I still wonder if it would really do some harm if I did a bit of moderate cardio during recovery, just in order to train my muscles a bit....? Some actually say it’s quite a good thing to do some exercise during recovery, so that the body can build up muscle and to avoid such things as I read about (gaining around the midsection etc...)
Also if any of you happens to have other suggestions – i’d be very happy about some tips:-)
xxx
Rose
Hi Rose,
You mention that you feel doing cardio is important, however you don't seem to consider the walking and /or dancing as being cardio, which they are. Very often when we enjoy something it can be easy not to consider the other benefits these activities may have. Also, based on my own experience, when we are genuinely doing something for the right reasons, there tends to be less questioning and / or confusion surrounding it.
I went back to the gym last year, mostly as I wanted to build up some fitness before my hiking holiday in Peru to Machu Picchu. I would never have the time to go as often as the experts recommend due to the early starts, and being mindful of my energies, between work and other things I have going on. Now that I am back ice skating, I don't go to the gym, as would not have the time, and even though ice skating does not feel like exercise per se, it is hard work especially when working on new elements.
It seems like it would be important for you to explore this with your therapist.
The thread below, that was posted by someone last year, may be of benefit to you too.
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/forum/rediscovering-excercise
In love and light
Mystique
Thank you sooo much mystique, I hadn't discovered this post yet and it did me so good reading it...
When I was a kid I was never much into sports but I always used to be very active, playing a lot outdoors, going for walks with my mum and hiking because back then I lived in a mountainous area. I guess at some point I became a lazy teenager, only doing some occasional dancing and stretching besides obligatory sports classes at school (for which I didn't give a damn to be honest;-)).
But at some point - when my mind was not yet distorted with ED-thoughts - I rediscovered the fun of being active and I started jogging and cycling next to taking dance classes. Then came ED and made it a calorie-counting obsession and suddenly I felt 'bad' and 'guilty' when I didn't exercise, although I still enjoyed it very much. The only problem was that I wasn't able to skip it when I didn't feel like it so sometimes I had to force myself to exercise.
I find it very hard now not to exercise as I'd love to be more active again and there are so many activities I'd be interested in! However, reading this post for which you gave me the link, made me hope that things regarding exercise will one day be normal again, ie. EDfree - and that I might even enjoy them more than I used to!!:-)
xxx
Rose
Hi Rose,
I am glad you posted this topic on iceberg. I have been iceberg for a few months now but never had the courage to write on it for fear of writing things that may be too negative to publish, however this topic is so important to me at the moment youve compelled me to join the conversation.
Reading all your comments I can completely identify with you as weight around my mid section was always my most feared.. However have you ever heard of anyone gaining weight only on their tummy?? Its physically impossible!!
Like you I am itching to go back to the gym... I miss exercise so much as I have always been into sports since I was young. I have brought the topic up with my councillor to see if I could go back to the gym again however she still feels it is not a good idea.. I disagreed with her obviously!! However I took her advice as the more I thought about it I realised I used to enjoy the company, the laughs, the comradery in a sport...None of which is achievable by going to the gym.
You say you walk and dance yet youve heard the only way to 'effectively' lose weight is through cardio. Cardio is anything that increases your heart rate from the normal 60-80bpm which walking and dancing certainly does! Like you I felt walking wasnt enough but its only now Im realising that was pure ED thoughts.. I just want to go to the gym because I feel I'll lose more calories, I hadnt previously allowed myself to realise this...
I have put on what I feel is a considerable amount of weight since I started my journey of recovery.. I have hated it of course, it is the reason ED behaviours started for me, however I have accepted it as well. On my bad days when I dont monitor self talk it is awful but I have learnt affirmations which are suitable to these times which really help.. Also every time I say something negative about my body, I have to say 3 positive things about it... A lot harder than youd think!!
Like you mentioned in your post though, noone was made to be over or under weight.. we all have a natural healthy weight which when recovered and have a body mind connection again we will have.. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have cursed Marino for 'making' me put on weight as I feel they are 'making' me eat however I have learned to trust them, trust in recovery and trust that I will be my natural healthy weight in time!
I recently became aware when I used behaviours to cope with certain emotions. One example is when I get very angry or frustrated I just want to run till I collapse! Healthy?? No! I know I need to learn new coping mechanisms for such emotions instead of turning to behaviours.
Some things that work for me in this area are:
Watching my friends.. Im struggling to eat mechanically yet they eat every 3 hours just cause theyre hungry! They dont know how many hours have passed since they last ate! Also some of them exercise regularly and others merely have their walk from the car to college and back every day! Yet each one of them is neither under nor over weight, simply their own natural weight. Proof that exercise is not a necessity to 'stay slim'.
I bought Louise Hay's CD, "you can heal your life" and put it onto my ipod. I found it hard to believe at the beginning as I think Im a bit of a disbelieving person until its proven to me, but now I love listening to it! I put it on while I go for a walk and it doesnt give me the opportunity to think any ED thoughts!
Swimming is nice to do too if your councillor allows, its a great time to practice affirmations if you can remember them all!
Trust... thats a HUGE thing for me... Im really learning to trust everything Marino suggests as I look at all the care workers and nearly recovered people in group and see it really is possible.
We can do this... I hope this post continues, I'll definately be returning to it when I worry about exercise or my weight..
Xxx
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Thank you both for your kind and honest posts!:-) I've been thinking about that a lot indeed ....whether it was ME who wanted to exercise or just ED because I am well aware now (and I think I've been for quite some time, just didn't want to admit it) that very often - ever since I've been struggling with ed - I used to force myself to exercise.
Still, this has not always been the case because I'd been doing exercise before ed and I had developed a liking for it, despite hating sports in my teens. So I think when I do it now it of course (unfortunately!) might serve ed a little since ed is all pro-exercise but mostly it is something I enjoy, that helps ME release stress etc....
I think there is a difference now...Because: what I used to do was to starve with the effect that I never felt good enough and still had to go and exercise even despite feeling pain in muscles...I now that this was entirely the condition and not me who wanted this. But when I do it now I consciously go and eat more and maybe reduce exercise to half the amount of time I used to do it. So should I really give it up entirely?
It is certainly a good idea to think about alternatives like you suggested dora, because always doing the same exercise gets boring anyway! Before and during ed I used to take dance classes every week and I'm planning to continue with it. A few months ago I also signed myself up for a pilates course. It's now over for this term but my university has some really good offers regarding all kinds of sports and I think of continuing with pilates, maybe doing something else in addition!
Yeah... reflecting about this while writing, I think when I go and use the stationary bicycle in the evening it's completely ed...because even though a part of me really enjoys moving my body, there are still such thoughts as 'controlling my weight', 'burning fat' etc that dominate my mind...:-(
But I'm so scared of gaining weight in an uncontrolled way....of letting go of exercising! Maybe if I handled it like I mentioned: eat more, then exercise for only half the amount of time...then it might not have an anti-recovery effect...?
Oh god, I am still so very much engaged into ed thoughts, aren't I?;-) I know I have to be patient with myself, it's a long journey towards recovery and not always an easy one...but maybe I should do a LITTLE bit of exercise...just in order to feel better? If I take good care that my body gets sufficient nutrition for it and stop whenever it becomes too much...?
Love
Rose