Wedding worries/weight/dresses
i met my sisters in town today to look at bridesmaids dresses, as nervous as i was i tried the whole act recovered approach that got me into town with out too much worrying. we got a chance to sit down and chat some awkward moments included :/ but i decided to see the day as a chance to have the fun i never had with them.
then we started trying on dresses and its like i came crashing back down to earth. faced with a dress in a huge size, a mirror and bare arms i felt so insecure. i really tried for her, she seemed so happy, found a lovely dress, had her too sisters out and me out. i looked in the mirror and then saw the sizes and i panicked. all these things condition thoughts keep running through my head, the fact my sister gave me THAT size, what if the smaller size we ordered doesnt fit on the day. i do worry about my body changing esp since i have yet to face my fear of food and mechanical eating and if i do it now it may not fit.... i know this is all condition but i have tried all day to change my thinking, i thought of careworkers and what they said about size. that i am me, not size xxx, i am more than a size, you cant trust a label. maybe bridesmaids dresses are done in smaller sizes so its normal to go up a few etc but im so worried and scared now.
i dont even know why im here but im sittin here all alone after and really trying to stay calm and rational...... i know the day is about her not me, or what feckin dress size and i feel awful for it running my mood and letting my anxieties get in the way of her happiness.
Hi Dora
Big hug through the web to you. It'll be ok, it will all work out. Firstly well done you for facing your fears and going along with the girls, no mean feat under the circumstances. Trying on unfamiliar clothes is uncomfortable for everyone, these i gather were well outside your comfort zone, but you did it! You tried them on, stood at the mirror. Surely thats progress. Would you have done that a year ago, I think likely not!
As you rightly said, sizes are a sham, the numbers are meaningless. I've often bought large/extralarge, not to hide but purely as it hung better, flattered my body better and most importantly felt most comfortable. And yet in another brand I could be medium or even small! I've taken to not focussing on the number, just the fit, the comfort, the way it hangs.Focussing on the beauty of the item of clothing, the cut/colour/fun elements of it.
Another point that might be relevant is that if you're emotional this evening, perhaps it's not the dress/size thing, often if I'm upset about a body thing, its not really that, the emotion is often about something else, some other aspect of the dress trying thing pushing buttons. I had a similar experience not so long ago and it was really that it highlighted the deprivation in my life, but I focussed on body when it was really that I was upset at the path my life had taken. I was jealous or resentful to some extent. When I acknowledged that to myself I focussed on my achievements, all the work I had done, the brilliant future just around the corner and gratitude really that I had this journey to allow me know so much more than those without.
On a final note, you felt well and confident before you went out, so what changed, you're body didn't, just your thoughts. Are you going to allow that to continue, knowing your determination in recovery I doubt it very much. So big hug and delete delete delete those old thoughts, not welcome in your inner world anymore.
kiz
Big hug Dora big big hug....... I was in your exact position about two years ago with my sister's wedding. She handed me THAT size?????????????? The other bridesmaids..... Went on a pre wedding diet and she then needed to change dresses..... At the time I was raging......
Fair dues to you - do you know why? Because you got up, went into town, put the ed in the background, acted selflesslyly and put your sister first - how very f*cking decent and kind and sound of you. Fair fair dues to you.
Put that in your pipe condition and smoke it.
Right you weren't fully there, but you did do a hell of a lot, did as much as you could.... You stood up, you tried, you fought and fought well and not just for your sake but for everyone who was there today.
Congratulate yourself hun.... Use the last bit of the experience of the day as a realisation and a motivation to face the body image issue don't use it to beat yourself up.
You did well today, really well, chin up.
You motivate me x
dora you could be really proud of yourself today that's fantastic you did it credit to you dora. i beg every1 please do not trust sizes as they are all different in every shop, every material is different and every brand is different in sizes this took me so goddam f in long to get into me head the dresses could be from another country even so that's even way different again in sizes but one thing i learned from dress shopping for weddings is its not the size its how comfortable it feels how the fabric feels focus on parts you like your hair your eyes the col our against your skin this helps for me i promise it does.
you are not a number you are worth so much than that we all are. xx xx
Dora, a few quick thoughts
- you're brilliant for having gone along and in future years it's something you will now never regret having missed (regardless of how it felt)
- yeah, I can really really truly relate with the discomfort and insecurity!
- in that kind of situation, if I'm not comfortable with the dress but it has to be worn, I find other things to make me feel nice which I can focus on: shoes, perfume, pretty ring, sparkley earrings, new lip gliss, hair clips etc. This is a wedding so there's loads of opportunity to add a little sparkle which only you will really notice and which will give you something to focus your nice self-feeling on. Shoes are great for that - how they make me feel like I'm almost dancing as I walk, make ankles look kinda nice, the clicking sound...
Hi Dora what a wonderful post and what inspirinatol replies you received. I dont know anyone who has suffered with ED that has not had a similar experience. I use to dread shops, dread the assistants. I remember having panic attacks and fretting about every one watching me. This is just trick of ed and the cruelty it inflicts on sufferer. Trust you will be beautiful on the day; know that everything will be and always remember...pretty is in the eye of the beholder and beauty is in the soul....
catherine
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Kizzy and jojo thank you both for your lovely replies.
i think today was kind of like a wake up call, one of those 'you cant live a life with ed and enjoy things moments'. i have ran from body image and today as you say i do have to face it. i have hid for so lone in clothes that hide my body, hide the scars condition left that to not have that protection shook me earlier.i think also that we tried on another dress i felt more comfortable in but she loved this one and well its not my wedding and this one is pretty too. ed would have found faults with both. it didnt help when they suggested we all wear underwear to hide any lumps and give us nice figures!!! but sure nobody can say the right thing all the time.
it was interesting though to watch my sister try them on, walk around head held high, posing in front of the mirror talking bout how good she looked, and genuinely been happy and confident with what she saw even after a big lunch and wine. i did mention my fear about the possibly of gaining weight and it not fitting and they didnt care, not in mean way but even in terms of there own they didnt care if they did. so yes there was a lot of jealously there. but hopefully i can find that inner confidence as i move ahead.
i think it all became real today and as well as having real fears about shopping and clothes fears of the big day came out of nowhere...
today was scary but i achieved a lot:
- spent time with my sisters they may be annoying but there not all bad
- really tried with changing my thinking
- wore a dress!!!! and showed my arms!!!!
- looked in the mirror
- gave my sister a hug :)
- sat in a restaurant and tried to focus on the conversation not others food
- learnt that its ok and sometimes neccessery to share and express fears instead of thinking i should be able to figure it out alone
- got in a picture
- made my family a bit happier
- am sitting here remembering all the details of the dress, the colour.....
- saw how hunger and tiredness make the ed more difficult to fight, that there is no pay off for deprevation. i may have fell for the lies but i can see that.
Thank you both for helping me see a different perspective and for your kind words. the hugs were apprechiated xxxx
There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.