very proud of me

Hey all,

I wanted to write this post more for me to tell myself how proud I am of me. I went out on new Year's eve, the first time I have since starting recovery. I was so so so nervous all that day. Condition was inventing all the worst possible things that could happen, from being stared at to people thinking I was massive and should hide away. At one point I was so nervous, I was about to text my friend and say I couldnt make it. But I DIDN'T.

I didnt listen to condition. I put on clothes that I was comfortable in, told myself I was perfect as I was and headed off. While I was at the party, I met some old friends from school. God, I saw how much Ive changed. I realsied I was so in condition I never gave these people my attention and vice versa, people never gave me attention because I was so in my head.

I had a great night, I drank some but not alot. I realised that while some people were there to just get drunk, my values really came through, thats not what I want for amanda, I want to feel normal the next morning, its not that cool to be completely of your head. I laughed, I danced, I chatted and I ate whatever was on offer without even thinking about what other people might be thinking of me. Admittedly, I did compare a little with some of the other women there, BUT, i didnt entertain it that much and moved on.

While I was there, I met an old friend. Well ,we used to be best friends but decided to part ways. I had stuff going on and she did too and I felt at the time we were both dragging each other down. I was nervous when I met her again. But it showed me so much about myself.

I no longer live in that dark world that I associate with her. I am so much more optimistic, when talking with her about various things she still looked on the negative yet i didnt. I was interested in having FUN, letting my hair down, and all she wanted to talk about was 'our problems'. From her I saw who I used to be and what I am now. During christmas, I was doubting how far I had come in recovery. Well, that night I could see it.

Amanda is
happy
full of hope and optimism
likes to have fun
see life as an opprtunity to learn
not afraid to ask for help
moving on with life, not stuck in a dark place

At the end of the night, I ended up staying with this friend. At first I didnt know whether too or not. I thought what if I went back to that old world. But I didnt, it couldnt possibly happen. It was built in me to continue to talk about good things, to stick to my belief about drink, I knew myself. I felt sorry for her a bit, she still doesnt know who she is. She needs help and I was very proud of how I stuck with it, I kept going no matter how hard it is sometimes.

God I am so proud of myself

amanda xxx