values
Hey there
Over the past few days, I have really been thinking about my values.When I was deep deep in condition, I just couldnt even contemplate thinking about values, but now, in finalising stages it seems important.
I feel my values are quite torn apart. On the one hand my values come very much from the recovering amanda. I value honesty and openess, probably because there is no honesty in my family. Eveything is pushed away, shunned, hidden that at some point you even begin to feel ashamed you you and who you are.
I value strength, but not just the strength of pushing through problems but knowing to ask and seek help, the strength to look afte yourself first before anyone else, the stength to say what you want regardless of what you think othe people want you to say.
I am begining to value self-care. It is a tough one fo me at the moment, but I am taking it simple, starting with the most basic self-caring acts and working through it one day at a time. It is hard, I cringe sometmes at even the idea of caring for me before anybody else whilst tying not to feel selfish and guilty fo doing it. But I hope further down the line it becomes one of my top values.
BUT
while out shopping yesterday fo wok clothes, I realised the my value fo thinnes is still right there at the top of my values. I feel at war with my values, they contradict each other. I was thrown into a panic yeterday buying clothes that went agains my ideal size, looking at other women buying smalle sizes still wishing and detemined to get to that size. I came all full of condition gusto to exercise and restrict. I completely abandoned all my other values and fell for this one.
To be honest, i do not know how to get rid of this value of thinnes. It still feels like my number one priority but in my head try to have all the other aspcest of recovery.
Deep down I know I cant have both
amanda
xxx
Dear dear Amanda,
I love your post. I am sure many people at finalising stages can identify with this too... I certainly felt torn apart in quite the same way as you describe.
I actually think this is a very exciting stage, when you are starting to discern your own values, to figure out what you regard as important in life, what you want to support or not...
You can try loads of different things, you may like them for a while, but then realise that they are not really something you'd stand up for. You can change and adapt, you can voice an opinion and then realise that it doesn't sit right with you, you can change.
You want to find what sits with you, what feels right, what makes you feel good about yourself...and of course, this "value of thinness" really doesn't have any of those properties...apart from the fact that "thin" isn't really a value, if you think about it...there is nothing valuable in a size, nil, zilch...
However, I remember this "ideal size" challenging me in my recovery for a long time, too. Body image distortion seemed one of the later things to slip away when I finalised.
What helped me a lot during that time was, to pull my own leg, to wind myself up whenever any "fat feeling" came up. When you look at it logically, what is your ideal size really? The size that your body knows where you are healthy and in perfect harmony, your bloods are well, your brain is functioning... Those women that fit into smaller sizes most likely have a completely different natural body than you, or else they feel fat and wished that they would fit into even smaller clothes again...
Your "fat attack" yesterday can also have come from a completely different angle: as a signal that something else was out of balance... I remember being overwhelmed with these self depreciative feelings at a time where I thought I was supposed to be recovered, and thus, i thought that I wasn't supposed to have these feelings any more. Bu££&*t!!! My brain was still so used to connect any kind of "feeling bad" with "fat" that, no matter what the reason was for me feeling down, it all seemed to focus on my body size and I "felt fat" (and remember that fat is NOT a feeling, nor is it a value!!!)
In moments like that, maybe look at other things, remember the HALT mnemonic:
are you H-ungry, are you A-ngry, are you L-onely, are you T-ired? Often, instead of feeling any of those, the only feeling that comes up is "fat"... Isn't that just weird, how our mind can play games with us when we don't pay attention?
Rest assured though, that this "value of thinness" will eventually disappear too. I certainly do not value it any more at all, I value HEALTH...
Don't let this experience scare you at all, it will get better, trust yourself and your journey.
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
Can really identify with your post Amanda at this stage in my recovery, I too have been shopping for new work clothes recently & I can identify with all that you wrote about. It was stressful shopping but I did try talking nicely to myself & asking what are my true values. Self honestly & health are what I value really, not what size is on my body/clothes, its a difficult one to overcome but i can do it & the more emphasis I place on my real values the further along the recovery rd i get so i'll keep challanging my values & try to overcome the old values that I held for so long (like value of thinness) because it does not serve me, my life or my recovery journey.
Robin I loved your response, it helped so much to read your post - thank you:-)
Interesting topic - how a theory or belief, "values", and the practicalities of life (work clothes) come together!
Robin's point that "thin" is not a value is the key. What we have to recognise is which of our values we (or condition) associates with "thin". Unfortunately modern soceity promotes the message that "thin" equates with control, power, energy etc etc etc. Anyone with experience of ED knows that this is as far from the truth as could be. In reality, when you make your body thin and unhealthy you make yourself weak, tired, out of control of even your own mind...
When dressing for work, it is important to me that how I present myself reflects my values. I want to look smart, capable, together, like I have character but don't need to make a point of it. I have come to learn that when I am thin and unhealthy, no clothes can hide the fact that I am tired, drawn, wasted, not capable of caring for myself...so how can I expect to be perceived as professionallly capable!?
Amanda, you said that you know that you "cant have them both". You may not be able to have both an unhealthy body and true, healthy values...but you certainly have both your own values and the values that are mistakenly attributed to "thin". I believe that if anyone achieves your values of strength, honesty and self care then they will find that without trying they achieve those that ED once convinced them only thinness would deliver.
And yes, I'll keep reminding myself of that one too!
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