Today is the first day of my life....

Last night i was out with work and could for the first time feel the ed at me, but just looking at everyone having fun and joking i was like ok, two choices surrender and have a crap night and end up veering way off the road of freedom and getting back on the road to hell(which ed is) , or fight and have a good night. i chose to live i laughed until my face hurt i ate with colleagues i got involved and joined in and won some money woohoo loaded so i am now hehe. its not easy it feels wrong weird scary anxious and i felt like leggin' it many times. at times i felt i was so far out of my depth or so boring cause i dont have certain things in my life.... but then i thought no you are all robots eating drinking doing the things you think you should. I even tried to disagree with diet talk but it fell on deaf ears though. i thought i am here i dont want to be but i am trying and learning and working on me and i cant figure out this social life thing if i dont do it.what is nothing to you or silly to you is major to me so i might not have xyz but i have a lot more that you dont see.

Choosing to live can be daunting its not an easy realization to make but when you have you have such a powerful tool in your possession, even on the bad days its the thing that makes you wonder what else is there, i know there is more than this. today i might not feel like it or want to believe but i know its there and if i dont i know that are people that are living proof.

even though i cant see whats ahead or don't know what my life will be like we are guaranteed its better than this. i think for me i could and can see down the condition road. i can see the misery and despair i can see goals and quick relief and false happiness. i can see what will happen that whats makes it safe, i can be prepared and plan for any surprises that may arise, i can make plans to avoid the nasty parts i dont like, i can live in an illusion where things are perfect and there is a solution to everything - lose weight, eat less, hide away. but life is different, there is no room for plans we can roughly decide what way things will work but life takes twists and turns. and usually the plans and rules get thrown out window thats what i find scary but what normal ppl find exciting interesting. this realization has keep me going through many a time i felt why bother.

before i was barely existing.right now i am somewhere between existing and 'living' yet each foot, bite, conversation,tear, hug, smile, laugh, workday an effort. i dont feel like im living but there is no point looking back if i dont want to go go back there even if my future isnt looking to rosy right now. getting out of that hole out of hell out of prision took a lot and still takes a lot but i can only look forward and trust it will get easier and this thing called life will fall into place and get easier.

Last night i watched people i saw life, blinkers where off condition googles in the bin. for the first time i was jealous. i wanted what they had, to be able to eat drink and have fun all in the same moment. i saw the ed and my life with this and theres looked a hell of a lot better. i watched them all throughout the day before that night they where carefree, they did not deprive themselves. but i also did not write myself off like before cause i can get there. i am proud of myself and i know others are too. i have the determination and i have a second chance erase my mistakes and start again. i have a chance to be happy. i wont win all the wars but its the final battle that counts and i know that that day i am a careworker the day i get to help others out of the dark empty soul destroying pit i will be so glad i took a chance on life. the day my weight or intake doesnt rule my life i will so happy and carefree. the day i get to play with my child if i chose to go down that road waiting, still waitin for them maternal instinct to kick in... i know that i will be glad. I still dont like to scialise and im nowhere near nights out to the cinema or girlie nights in or heading out every weekend and staying out till the crack of dawn. but go on the baby steps i went out for a while and survived. next time i might have a drink or stay 10 mins longer ......

on the other hand i know that however reluctant i am and scared as i am, that there comes a point that you just have to except that your way isnt working that its not makin you happy, that it never did and never will. that maybe the ones who know best are the professionals and god forbid the ''normal'' people out living life and the ones that are actually happy.

everyday can be the first day of my life. everyday a chance for me to take a risk and create the life that I WANT. i made a list a long time ago of all the things i would do recovered but im gonna try do them as i recover that way i have proof that recovery is working. that all the baby steps are worth it.

i sat down today and looked at all the wrong things that have happened all my little mistakes and i didnt react like before but in no way am i recovered, nice try ed i wont stop going to therapy just yet! and ya know what a good mate of mine had a crap day at work the other day and rang me, she has this everyday, but she just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... it never gets any better. she gives all this power to one person who never fails to rub her up the wrong way rather than taking a step back and realising that she can decide who can and cant get to her. similarly another, actually a lot of people i know do this. me - my job is gettin easier, i leave it at the door, i accept i dont love it but i have got the chance to learn that my job does not define me. i can cope better sometimes. so is recovery worth it.... its not a bed of roses, not always enjoyable but its proving to be beneficial and has saved my life literally. either my body would have just crashed or i would have literally lost my mind. things are changing i dont always see it but i think its important to recap and look at how much better even if like me its a small change in how we cope. and to give credit. ha a new take on vit c hehe

now off to make me mug of tea mmmm happy days =)

xxxCiaraxxx