There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

Most of the time I feel fully totally recovered - but I was afraid to say that because of what people might think (who does she think she is?) - but only I know what I feel like in my day, I felt I needed to go before a board and be tested and scrutinised and interegated. But truth of the matter is I am nearly there. I remember having a carework session last September and the gorgeous careworker talking about how life changing it was when a care worker told her when she was recovering that you are to 'recover to live not live to recover.' Both aspects are needed but when I heard this it kinda scared me because it made me realise I was still living to recover. I think from then on I stopped compiling my self perfecting to-do lists, stopped planning what perfect life would be like, stopped asking when, stopped thinking of recovery in terms of finite points and I'll arrive at a bridge one day and then life will be across it. Just made messy, busy, unplanned, random, imperfect living my life. I think I need to stop playing the underdog or all coy and pretend I am still 'recovering' because I am living.

Even the other day I looked in the mirror and was on the verge of criticising and insulting my appearance and out loud I just said 'oh f&ck off.' There's more to life. 'You've never been happy with my body regardless of what I've tried to do with it - just shut your foundationless mouth - you've nothing worth listening to.' I'd say it was probably the first time ever I had actually ever heard and listened to my own voice first in terms of body image.

I guess the point of my post is to say that yeah of course I know what I'm working on in finalising and teethering so much between the two on a very thin line. But for the most part I live a very free life - with friends in how I speak, with my family in what I say, when I meet new people, hobbies of mine, just so many. I think I'd been trying to not shine my lightm trying to dim it, in case it would put a noise of a joint - but lately I've just been going for it - putting myself forward for things, living for the present, living in the day, normal life stuff challenges me but I think I need to let go of the ED persona/association because it's 110% not me nor my life anymore. I know I'm nearly there and I know what I've to work on. I just wanted to write this to give myself the chance to say it, for me, by me.

After a long summer working really hard and then starting a new job and balancing a few things I'm going on a couple of days trip to London I've never been and have been excited for two weeks now. I can't wait to just wander, live my freedom, not consciously live it bt just live it in terms of nothing, not compare or analyse how in the moment I am - but just go off for four days and wander, not use it as a yard stick, just let it be life, Joyce, not someone who was unwell, not someone who is recovering but just someone living. Just being, no terms or conditions. And when I get cranky or tired or a bit overwhelmed or feel like retracting or feel bloated I'll just say 'yup fine that's cos you're human, that's cos you're Joyce, what willwe do?' And leave it at that.

Here's to living life and no longer driving looking in the rearview mirror