Is there more that I could be doing??
So
I am in final stages of recovery. And I guess I am panicking a bit. It feels like I have been 'finalising' for the past year, yet I don't feel any closer to being recovered.
It neither scares me nor upsets me. But it does frustrate me. Im doing as much as I think I can. Im pushing through with the nutrition, im on iceberg constantly, Im doing my affirmations even if I do find them hard. Im getting out there and experiencing life, Im socialisng, working in a new job and loving it and have taken up hobbies which I gave up when the ed came along.
So why am I not further along. I know I have not been able to go to sessions, and the past year I have done a lot of this on my own back. But where do I go from here. I wake up in the morning and say to myself, what can I do for recovery for today and I have no idea. I know I need to concentrate on self-care more and to chip away at the negative thinking which I am constantly doing. But it feels like there is an invisible wall in front of me that I cant see but I can feel. Something is holding me back but havnt got a clue what it is.
In a way, I feel at a loss. When I was in early stages, I dreamed of waking up in the morning and actually wanting to be present in life. Now I am at that stage and it doesnt feel all that amazing. I know that I used to think that when I was recovered life would be amazing. And now that I am nearly there it is amazing but at the same time, I feel like something is missing. I know I need to push forward, but I dont know what I am pushing forward too.
I dont know if this post is positive or negative or not really anything at all. It is what I have been feeling for a long time, and really frustration is bogging me down. Im starting to question if I will fully recover or do I stay at this stage forever. I read all the amazing posts by the recovered and it frustrates me even more that they got there. What is it that I am doing wrong, or not doing enough off!!!
I ask myself each day, is there more that I could be doing to get there??
amanda
Oh my God Amanda never have I read a post where I actually scrolled to the side to check you had written it to double check it wasn't me. It is exactly what I think and feel especially the part about getting up in the morning and also about how great things are now but at the same time knowing it's not fully 'it' and almost beating myself up for feeling ungrateful for where I'm at. I just 110% empathise with you it's scary.
To that place of freeeeeeedom - not utopia - I used to imagine recovery to be a utopian place I no longer dream that but I do crave total freeeeeedom and simultaenously am petrified to live with no teeeeny tiny miny tiny crutch whatsoever and also doubt that maybe I don't have what it takes. But I'm working on this in sessions.
My therapist said to me that's it's all well and good to be in life and living but you also need the regular back up from a session to keep you on course. That encouraged me. I feel I haven't made tremendous progress and yet when I drove down to Tipp last weekend for my dear granny's one year anniversary it startled me to really see how much had changed in a year.
I know or I feel or I sense I have a jump into the unknown to make something to do or experience that tells me 'see Joyce no matter what you can cope.' I remember Marie saying in group one night that for a while we need to gradually dip our feet in the water and then the time comes when we need to just fully immerse ourselves.
It's not a doubt that full freedom exists it's a lack of belief that I can live full freedom.
The last few days I've felt low for no apparent reason but do feel I need some me time I just cleaned my apt and sorted some washing and got ready for teaching tm gonna go to dundrum now get something in marks for dinner and give myself some me time and tlc.
I'm keeping a positive me journal writing down things that are good about
me and just keeping at it. You don't sound like you're negative but I defo believe it's just a keeping at it and at it and at it. I just watched Karen on tv3 and that really inspired me to keep going to fullfreedom I really appreciated your post x
I CUD HAVE WRITTEN EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS POST
thank u
I really love it when you use iceberg this way, learning from each others experiences.
Hi Lovelies,
Wow, what amazing posts.....you guys are so inspiring the way you are unwilling to settle for anythin less than you both fully deserve, and with your fight, determination and persistance you both absolutely will!!! woop :o)
I remember someone very wise telling me when I was in late stages that I was at the stage where life was no longer about recovery.....life was about living. Instead of getting up first thing in the morn and thinkin "What can I do for recovery today?" I simply had to ask "What would I like to do today?" "What can I do for Hazel today?" "What can I do for life today? What would make life fun/inspiring/helpful/simple/pro-Hazel etc today!?
i know everyones recovery is different but I can totally empathise with what you both voice in your posts. For me the mid-late stages were so insightful, so inspiring, so hope fulled, so exciting that i was constantly on a high. There were big, monumental changes in me, almost tangible and measurable.......and they were what kept me fighting. Then I hit this "invisible wall" as you so aptly put it amanda and everythin slowed down, everythin became more blurry.....there was still a "hole" inside me and I hadnt a notion why or what it was. But I now know that the "hole" was simply an unnoccupied space, waiting to filled naturally, not through analysis or searching or chasing, simply by keeping on keeping on, and actively living the life you desire. Whatever it is that is missing will fill that space, slowly but surely!
Its only natural that as you step back into fully living life, all the nitty gritty stuff that may not have presented as major issues in the past will now be percieved differently, with your new awareness. As well as that- new experiences, being busy busy, trying new things etc.......all leave us vulnerable to distorted thinking, no matter how much we've worked on them, we all have to learn how to live a free life, practice a free life.....consciously at the start!
For me, that was the difference between full recovery and freedom....... living the pro-hazel,helpful, passionate, appreciative, optimistic, hopeful etc. way of life went from being a a conscious effort to an unconscious thing that just happened-----leaving me more time to fully ENJOY and LIVE life.
Suppose what I'm tryin to say lovelies, is that FULL RECOVERY Definately IS for you-----PROMISE. Just keep on keepin on, youv worked too hard to get where you are right now to give up your self belief.
We've all felt how you feel........... I was ready to loaf someone the next time they said theres not need to analyse...." its just all the nitty gritty stuff that needs to be ironed out" but suprisingly--they were right again!
i know its easier said than done, but drop the analysis, the over thinkning, the catastrophisin.Its just the remnants of condition trying to undermine your efforts, your strength and your determination because it's absolutely fumin that youv got such an upper hand!
My advise--no analysing, not overthinking, no searching for all the answers right now.......they will come! You've worked so so hard already, take a break form "recovery" and throw yourself into life. The answers will reveal themselves, the vacant space inside you will be occupied.
Give it time, give it patience, have faith, have trust and most of all have SELF BELIEF!
HUGS OF HOPE,
Saoirse :o)
PS- "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"
Saorise holy cow i can only thank u for your replies to amanda and jojo, i read this reply after i worte my own post on full recovery and freedom. The one person i am thinking about is you lately and a session we had out in celbrideg when my foot was broken and i am just thinking of how different my life is, how i am. This is what gets over the doubt in my mind about how far i have come. I adore your quote and i am going to write it down, its exactly what i need to do now live. I have got bogged down in school, teaching, studying, tennis and my bf lately and its great but ive forgotten about me a little about slef care and what i mean for me about self care now is simply asking C what do u want to do today, what would make your heart sing, what do you need today and what would be fun?
Im going to bin the shoulds as this is remnants of condition or how im used to living and today what do i want to do??
I have app with gyno and because it really upsets me that things hormonally and womanly are not back in working order yet im going to spend time wandering dublin as havent done this in ages, going to trailfinders to plan my hollier with a beautiful recovered friend, meet friends for lunch and go to kildare village on my way home. Im spending time with my dad and bro tonight, watching masterchef, this is what i want to do, so f off shoulds i dont want to do any of you!!
Thanks a mil saorise, i am confident in my voice, thats my new affirmation xx
A few different thoughts came to mind as I read this post and the replies. To amanda, jojo, and Caitriona2, i have to say my over-riding thought was "How brilliant that there are three strong people nearing full recovery and so determined to get there." I'm not just saying that. I think you're brilliant. I hope you feel a little further on now (I only realised this thread was started a few months ago after I'd read the lot).
I feel like there's more I want to say but I'm not sure how to say it. Certainly, amanda, I've found that in the last two months or so, I've made progress by increasing intensity. I do need to do all I can during the weeks when I'm working more independently though, and I'm conscious of this at the moment because I've been on a Christmas break, which ends tomorrow, which means slightly less time than i've had over the past few weeks to dedicate to activities explicitly directed at 'recovery' per se. Recovering is a lifestyle and i want to make it mine, constantly.
I find it really builds self-confidence and -esteem when I actively look after myself, whether that is the sort of self-care jojo, Saoirse and butterfly mentioned, or booking and attending one to one or group sessions. Whatever I choose to do for myself, DOING it is the key!
And to butterfly, as always, your honesty is an inspiration. I want to befriend my body in 2012.
This was a very helpful thread for me to read tonight. Thanks to all.
Michelle x
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Saoirse
You made me cry reading that post. I dont know why but I did, on the bus home from work and all. Embarassment.
Its funny, because before I started some more sessions at marino, I didnt question I didnt analyse where I was at. But now that Im thinking in recovery mode again, I have questioned it. I can see now that it is stupid ED voice because Im fighting harder and harder now.
Thank you for such a comforting post, it has meant so much to me.
a hopeFUL amanda xxx