Thank you Recovery, thank you Ciara ....

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Sun, 05/09/2010 - 21:41
dora
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Joined: 23/12/2009
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For the first time in a long time i experienced the changing of the seasons. i felt the warmth of the summer, i felt it on my skin. now i can see and feel the winter. i can feel the cold, the rain. i can see beauty in a rainy day how it makes ripples in the puddles, the puddle rainbows as i call them when the light hits the water in weird way, the beauty of a flower or leaf as the water drops of it. i even saw a real rainbow, and it was amazing. i saw flowers come this year i saw nature, i heard wind , felt it ruffle mu hair and my clothes...i noticed differences, uniqueness. i see the difference between night and day now. the year is not one dark bitterly bone chilling cold sentence, my day is not one long hour its is made up off different activities and thoughts and actions. i know i can get through a day as i know the night will come. even on tough days i know the day will end if i hang on long enough.

I felt: pain happiness sadness dissapointment hurt shame anxiety confusion but all in all i feel more alive. feelings may not be my best mate at the moment but they let me know i am alive. i feel part of the world most of the time. the bubble of ed is slowly shrinking no longer am i trapped in a world or vortex that moves to fast while i am stuck in the same spot invisible, unimportant a noting to anyone and everyone. i notice life around me. i hear people, notice things, look for nice things.

My eyes are open. despite falling and going back to condition a lot over the past year i am alive and i feel alive. Good things, happiness, joy and a sense of deserving is new to me so it wil be overwhelming but its so much better than livin in condition. it will take getting used to. i never knew a world that good things existed on before. isolation shame routine rules depression was all i knew, now things are a bit different. scary but change can be for the good too. i might not be changing in the way others i know are or as fast but i have changed. *my eyes are open my ears are open*. walls have been dropped, still there but slowly with trust i will let them go, i wont need them the more i trust and learn to live in this new world, as i learn to live.....

living as scary but it is can have pluses i get to feel the small things and live and apprechiate the little things in life.... and it feels good!

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.

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Tue, 07/09/2010 - 10:21
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Em
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Hi Ciarabeautiful post -

Hi Ciara
beautiful post - very inspiring affirmation of recovery. I remember what that felt like when I began to really recover and to feel.

I think the coming back to life and feeling part of recovery can be a bit like when you lie on, say your arm, in your sleep so that you wake up and it is all asleep and numb.. Its your arm but it feels so detached and even if you try to, it cant hold anything or do anything for you until the blood starts to flow again and the feeling comes back. But what a strange and interesting sensation that can be as the numbness leaves - oddly tingly, tickly, pins and needles, funny, painful all at the same time. But you know it will pass, and it will be worth it and you will be able to use your arm again in a short while .....

But such interesting feelings compared to the "just numb." I like how your post reminds us to make the most of our recovery and get joy out of that tingly, tickly, pins and needles, funny - not altogether comfortable sensation of coming back to life. Because, yes it is worth it.

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