Struggling
Hi
I decided to write to Iceberg rather than givng into ED because I really want to right now. I went to group this evening and I found it hard. It was really good but at the same time we were talking about having dreams and about full recovery and it really brought up so much for me. I find it so hard to have dreams or admit even to myself I have dreams. For so long I have pretended to myself and to everyone around me that my dreams were to achieve, to be successful etc rather than what they really are because in my head if I worked hard enough, just stayed focused and avoided everything I could achieve and I did but in the midst of this I avoided life and avoided admitting or working towards what I really want-I really want to have a husband, to have babies, to have a dog, to take care of them all and to mind them, to have fun, to laugh, to be healthy, not to care what people think of me and just to be content. ED has stopped me for so long and still does telling me I don't deserve these things, I am not good enough to have them. I have been "recovering" for ten years when in fact in all honesty I have only actively been working on recovering in the last few months as up until this I have been "managing" i.e. still so in the condition but aware of it yet not actually practically doing things rather I have just been talking about doing rather than doing. This evening while in group I decided when I get home I am going to have my Ensure, I am not going to tell myself I will have it tomorrow blah blah. I also decided that I was going to ask for some support while I was having it because I find it so so hard. However when I came home something happened which upset me, someone else let me down. I really relly needed this person to help me and I had asked that they would previoulsy, they knew I was at group and might need some minding but they still let me down and I am so hurt and the stupid ED is just screaming at me and using this to say "STAY WITH ME-you don't need the drink, I told you SO-you are cr*p etc!" this is so flipping hard. What I want to do is run away-I just want to run away from both ED and that person for letting me down but the thing is I am so aware now that I CANNOT let ED take over I CANNOT-this is what I have been doing for so so long and I CANNOT keep doing it. It doesn't help me-I am going to drink the drink-I can't let me let things stop me. Sorry for the ramble it is just i didn't have anyone to help me and rather than sit and think I am on my own with this I am picturing you guys in group and what Marie would say right now which I am guessing would be along the lines of be kind to myself and drink the drink and hold onto the dreams.
Hey there, beautiful Lady…
Wow, I am absolutely impressed with your post, lovely, God, it is powerful, courageous, strong… it shows just so much determination.
So first and foremost: Absolutely well done for coming on to iceberg, choosing recovery instead of condition.
You are very honest and, you might not be so aware of it yet, but there are so many positives in your post; I suggest that you really concentrate on those points. You really are fobbing the condition off with this.
I can identify with what you are saying about dreams… I used to have incredible problems with dreaming during condition times…in fact, I only just read something I wrote about dreaming a few years ago, what a coincidence that this was the subject of group tonight. Nearly makes me feel I was there too ;-)
My therapist once asked me to write a list of things I wanted (I found that really difficult) and one of the points was
- I want to be able to dream
Only recently, now fully recovered, I added the following comment to this: ED had destroyed my ability to dream, I was unable to dream because any and every dream always came with a “but” that contradicted the dream or forbid me to dream on … I now know that dreams are limitless, there are no “buts” in dreams, the bigger you dream the better, nobody can control your dreams…I can dream whatever I want, whenever I want and wherever I want…
And I am really impressed with your little list of things you really want, in a way your real dreams at this moment:
I really want to have a husband, to have babies, to have a dog, to take care of them all and to mind them, to have fun, to laugh, to be healthy, not to care what people think of me and just to be content.
Wow, fantastic, this is recovery language, well done….
These are things to focus on whenever negativity and condition tries to take hold of your mind…
What you focus on increases… Your energy flows where your focus goes….
Make a dream board, a want board, and dream big so that you can grow into it. Dreams are allowed, and you don’t need to try to dream other people’s dreams, you can create you very very own ones. You also can change them and mold them, discard some, create and add others… Dreams are like play dough, colourful and moldable…
(sorry, comment too long, to be continued... often happens to me, oops...)
(...continuation)
Finally, I want to thank you, thank you very much for the pleasure of your company here on iceberg while taking your drink… cheers, I feel very honoured, even though I was not physically at group tonight (and not for a long time as I live in Co. Donegal) I am always there with my heart and often picture you all there on Tuesday evenings… My heart warmed when I read ”and rather than sit and think I am on my own with this I am picturing you guys in group and what Marie would say right now…”
God, how often did I use this visualization to help me over a hurdle.
So, lovely Lady, all in all I think you can give yourself a big pat on the shoulder, and I am sending you a huge warm hug of support…
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
Hi Lady,
how are you feeling today ? I think ed taught you a really important lesson last night - that you always need to care for yourself, in spite of the actions of other people. You asked someone to support you after group and for whatever reason they weren't there - but you still did what you had to do to keep yourself out of conditions claws ! Brilliant :) You went on iceberg, you had your drink, you visualised all of us in group, egging you on. Go you !! That to me is someone who is fighting the fight.
When I was deep in the condition I really used dreams to my detriment, as I said in group last night. I would torture myself with I wanted but couldn''t have because of the effect I let ed have on my life. There came a time when I shelved dreams, where it wasn't beneficial for me to think of the future. It's only recently that I've let my mind wander there and now, my world feels limitless. If I've learned one thing over the years it's that everything works out. You go to group, you want to recover, so you will. It's up to you when that happens. It could be 2011, 2012 or 2017 !!!!! You are in charge of this. So why not dream small for the minute ? Dream that today you will nourish your body, take your drinks, then dream it for tomorrow, then dream you'll do it for a week, month, year lifetime !!! Because that is one dream that will make all your other dreams possible. Nourish your body, your mind will feel stronger and the ed voice will be weaker.
Lady you have a choice, as always. Let ed use the actions of another person to show you how sh*t you are, or, show ed that you know you aren't in any way responsible for the actions of that person, that you are so far from sh*t it's unbelievable, that you fought it last night and that you will continue to do so over and over again until that is your way of life.
Everything always works Lady,
Love Fio xxx
I completly no wat you mean. How you feel. Last night was a challenging group. For dreams are an escape from reality but not so much achievable. Maybe im scared they wont come true. But i still find that in the few moment escape they give me i find hope. Last night i could not think of much so i just started to tink of wat i would do is if i wasnt so afraid. I tot of friends and how they live life wat they do or tink. Wat they would say to me. It helped as right now my future is full of fear or uncertainty and general ed crap. But tinkin of it this way helped me. Start small like wantin long hair or a night sleep or peace wit food, and you will suprise yourself how your list grows. Or i sometimes list off the opposite to wat i do now or tink now or want now if the ed makes me tink i want it. These are some ideas that helped me. I liked wat robin said too about just wantin dreams. I lost all my dreams in condition i neve tot i could have dreams again but i wanted to. And now i have discovered them. Sayin that sometimes wen im down or lackin motivation it seems like der gone again but thats why it helps to write it down so you have a reminder you no. I no for me dreams are simply wishes of how i want my life to be diff. I use quotes i like and turn them into dreams. Hope that made sense. Always remember your dreams are there there just burried under a lot of condition but give it time and they will come floodin back X x x x
Sorry to post again. But i remembered something else that helps. Last night i felt sad readin mine but to feel good about them i try to use anchors. For me its a bracelet i have, watchin birds fly or the sky or the stars or lightin candles or trees. Maybe slightly odd to some ppl. Im sure its different for everyone but you come across these as you progress through recovery. There are times i feel calmer so in a way connectin dreams to freer moments reminds me of my dreams themselves and wat makes me feel less anxious more hopeful.
Thank you Dore. i love what you say about anchors. I can see how that would help-going to try it out. x
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Thank you Robin and Fio for those very kind and motivating words. They really helped me to feel better-it makes such such a difference to be able to write and to get support. I really really appreciate it. Thank you guys. xx