stop researching and start doing
dear all my wonderful freedom fighters thank u little mermaid for ur most recent post about regrets
god i want to use my past regrets to fuel my current action i feel i am going around in circles i can tell u hand on my heart
1 i know that ed will never bring me happiness
2 any temporary relief i get is shortlived and the regret and guilt after especially this long into recovery is awful
3 every day i spend toying with ed having a debate about will i wont i stick to my plan/ stretch more/ be over active - is 1 day longer i live with him allowing him to think he still has a say in my life
4 every time i give in to his comments/ persuasive bull and i predictably react by following his voice, he'll keep doing his thing, because it is still working.
5 i am not giving 100 % to recovery i have all this knowledge i know exactly what i need to do but when it comes around to doing it i.......
go back to the drawing board i research HOW OTHER people recovered i read a new book i overly focus on THE BEST FOODS TO EAT IN RECOVERY what other people ate/ did whether they exercise or not... or i start joning more positive websites or reading more self help etc
none of this is bad or good in its self
but if i am not following it up or using ANY OF IT TO put all this knowledge into action then it is just another tool another game ed is using to keep me stuck
every weekend i find myself after a week of 80 % success "almost doing full plan " almost sticking to goals only giving in " sometimes only keeping some behaviours that are comforting BUT STILL ED i face the weekend i research a bit more and then make all sorts of plans and intentions for next week for when I REALLY AM DOING IT
but if u always do what u have always done u will always get what u have always gotten
10 years doon 10 years and u have been playing this specific game for at least 2 the "next week" the planning the write everything down so that u feel better and that u r going to recover .. NEXT WEEK SO ITS OK TO MAINTAIN/STRETCH DO X Y Z NOW
but i know in my heart next week never comes today is the only day i ever have (even as i write this i hear the voice in my head go ya but u know tomorrow u really going to do it so its ok u cut back todya0 BUT ITS NEVER OK the deals the bargains the oh next week u will b less active so u need to cutback and change meal plan ... back to drawing board..
the drawing board the excessive planning and not following through
waiting for others to say the right things waiting for some1 to take responsibility for ed for me
but that person is me i need to take responsibility for this i need to realise i am hurting myself and those i love i need to realise as ariel said my future recovered self will wan a healthy body
i believe there is going to be a healthy recovered self for me i believe i can fully fully recover if i put the effort in now
why am i waiting
i came on to ask people whether they exercised at all during recovery because i am allowed by my treatment team at this stage but i just dont seem to b able to manage it in a healthy way i a m so all or nothing i want some one to tell me no u cant and thats ok if its meant to come back it will i want some one to tell me its ok to eat ur full plan even if ur inactive i want permission from some one out there i wish iw as in dublin with ye and had the marino therapy centre to go to but for now i am trusting what knowledge i do have and what i have leaned from 10 years of research and 2 years following iceberg posts
full recovery is possible
its possible for me
i am responsible though
its a choice and i want to
as scary as it sounds and i know its "not about the food" but regular and consistent no compromise based on activity levels nutrition willa tleast give me faith and trust in myself again
u c i have gained x weight since i started i have a bit to go but as i get closer to where i need to b for health the more i finding i am giving in to minor cutbacks allowing ed to creep in
MY MANTRA IS GOING TO BE A LITTLE RESTRICTION HURTS ALOT
I NEED TO GAIN MORE WEIGHT TO B HEALTHY
SO THATS WHAT IM GOING TO DO
I USED HAVE SUCH A KICK ASS ATTITUDE TO RECOVERY AND ID GO FOR IT BUT MY SPIRITS ARE DOWN IVE BEEN REALLY LETTING RECOVERY AND MYSELF DOWN FOR Past 2 months
but every set back can b turned into a kick back
im angry and scared and still dont feel that motivated but goddamit its worth giving it my all i know where ed will bring me
so im gonna chose a different path chose recovery yet againg
to u all my gorgeous freedom fighters i commit to my REAL MEAL PLAN NOT THE MAINTAIN CRAP
I COMMIT TO REALLY FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH MY COMMITMENTS REGARDING ACTIVITY
WHY DO I NEED TO COMMIT TO YE
I DONT KNOW
I STILL FIND IT SO HARD TO TRUST MYSELF I HAD EARNED BACK MY TRUST BUT RECENTLY IT HAS SLOWLY ERODED AGAIN
IM TIRED
IM SICK OF RESEARCH
IM SICK OF LYING
IM SICK OF BEING SICK AND IM SICK OF ED
I GIVE U MY WORD UNIVERSE AND ALL MY FREEDOM FIGHTERS IM NOT GOING BACK TO ED THIS TIME ILL DO THIS FOR ANTHONY MY BABY BROTHER ILL DO THIS FOR MY FUTURE KIDS FOR MY MUM FOR MY HEALTH AND FOR ME PLEASE ANSWER MY PRAYER EXACTLY AS STATE
WITH LOVE
DOON
I really admire your honesty. I got a lot from reading your post. It's particularly important for me at the moment to keep reminding myself that I'm not yet where I would like to be, and thus need to keep up efforts to rid myself of all thoughts that sound even a tiny bit like 'food rules'.
So I love how you pointed out that "A little restriction hurts a lot." It's far too easy to think, "I'm healthy enough now. I don't really restrict at all any more and haven't for a long time," and, that being true, ignore the fact that my body might still need a bit extra to boost it back into full health.
I have to be frank and say there are things I'd like to do that I feel knackered after doing, and thus do less than I'd like. So I mustn't be as healthy physically as I could be and there's no point dancing around this. I may as well just do what needs to be done and get myself as healthy as possible. Why observe some self-imposed limit on that? Nonsense.
But - and here I really appreciate your honesty - I absolutely hear you when you say that even as you typed, the voice of lack of reason kept at you. As I type this, I'm thinking, "But people who read this will think you engage in behaviours and consciously cut back, and - horror of horrors - they'll imagine you're far thinned than you are. You fraud." In honesty, I'll never know exactly what you meant when you typed your post, just as you don't know exactly what I mean in my reply.
But this much is true, without a doubt - NEITHER OF US THINKS ABOUT FOOD IN A NORMAL, HEALTHY WAY, AND WE ARE BOTH STILL WORKING ON DEVELOPING A MORE HEALTHY WAY OF THINKING ABOUT NOURISHING OURSELVES.
There is no need for me to 'qualify' as someone who still has an ED. As long as I know I'm not fully recovered, I know there's stuff to work on. In my case, there is still so much counting. There is far, far less than ever before, but even so, every so often it does my head in. And THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE.
REAL LIFE is spending endless hours talking with friends, messing around, taking opportunities that present themselves, in a spontaneous way, resting ALL DAY (oh my goodness, think of it, all day long, not just the afternoon or the evening only, with 'something to show' for the rest of my day)...all these things and more.
I want real life more than I want worries about over-eating. I haven't a clue what over-eating is, still, so I may just stop trying to judge it and trust in what I've been advised to do to nourish myself fully.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND PRECIOUS FOR THIS ED RUBBISH.
Thank you so much for this post, Doon. Even when I began my reply, I didn't realise the impact it had had on me. Thanks, seriously, for contributing to my recovery today.
All the best, Michelle xxx
i dont know how to explain how i feel today is amazing i had a real honest cinversation with my bro yest and i relaly dont think i have had that kind of connection in a long time but its not even that everything i hear and read the past 48 hours has set off light bulbs in my head and really propelled me into action its like a ripple effect i am hearing the usual ed bull and just not going there and it feels great yes uncomfortable yes all those ed thoughts about tomorrow and future projections about if what then bla but theres this calm being there too shes just nodding along totally calm totally hearing it but knowing i am doing it anyway.
i finally realised its not my job to destroy ed today its not my job not to have the ed htoughts its my job and my RESPONSIBILITY NO BODY ELSES not to listen to chose recovery
recovery is not a perfect straight line but i realise now i was using this it cant be perfect or ed was using this as an excuse to not stick to my meal plan.exercise restricitons/ commitments cuz if u cant do it perfectly whats the point. but an alcoholic recovering can b imperfect and still not drink at all a person recovering from ed can be imperfect and wobbnle BUT STILL STICK TO HER MEAL PLAN AND COMMITMENTS ed is not me i am not ed however this seperation does not allow me to blame ed for my behaviours at the end of the day i am responsible.
and its not for any1 else any more well it is but as a knock on effect i know itll make their lives easier and have a positive impact on their lives WHEN I RECOVER but its for me and it feels good to say its for me i deserve it i deserve it for me i deserve to stick to my treatment plan i deserve to praise myself for each small step
today i am proud of myself because i
am sticking to my meal plan even though i am doing "Nothing" all day ... not true look at me here on iceberg kicking ur ass ed
i am proud because times changed and it didnt effect the plan
i spent time with people i love and let them dusrupt my schedule
i am having my fave lindt dark choc as a snack
i made some real honest commitments regarding activity food challenges etc
i have realised as a perfectionist LOWERING MY STANDARDS IS THE BEST THING THAT I HAVE DONE THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY BUT BEAR WITH ME
IN RECOVERY I WAS EITHER fully free or anorexic
i was either eating all my meal plan and all "bad foods" or i was cutting back eating bare minimum etc
there was no midddle ground no ur not here and not there ur somewhere in between ur eating ur meal plan still alot of safe foods but ur challenging that with lots of variation having more challenging snacks every so often and ur a work in progress this doesnt sit well with my inner gremlin its not good enough i shud b over this by now etc ... WELL LOOK HERE MS PERFECTIONIST I AM NOT SO SCREW U I AM GONNA START BEING GENTLE WITH ME I AM PERFECTLY IMPERFECT A WONDERFUL COMBINATION OF MOTIVATION AND AWKWARDNESS AND FEAR AND HONESTY BUT IM GETTING THER IT MAY NOT B TOMORROW I AM COMPLETELY FREE BUT U TOOK A LONG TIME TO SLOWLY ERODE MY LIFE AND NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES I WILL B FREE OF U.
AND NO MATTER WHAT MY RECOVERED FULLY RECOVERED SELF THAT I KNOW AND BELIEVE IN AND FEEL DEEP INSIDE IS DESERVING AND WORTHY OF A HEALTHY BODY TO HOUSE HER BEAUTIFUL BABIES AND HER BEAUTIFUL SOUL
OK TOTALLY WENT OFF POINT XXX
Beautiful beautiful beautiful, doon!!!
Gosh, I especially love the way you say "LOWERING MY STANDARDS IS THE BEST THING THAT I HAVE DONE"
You are just so right, and believe me, you are making absolute perfect sense here.
Just realise that you are already perfectly YOU. And you are unique the way you are and the way you change and the way you were. All through your life you have been, are and will be perfectly unique and perfectly you the way you are - at any given moment in time.
There is nobody else in this whole wide world that is exactly like you, nobody that has you DNA, nobody that has your smile, your voice, your thoughts your wishes, your dreams, your step, your movement, your breathing, your laughter, your tears....
You are UNIQUELY and PERFECTLY YOU.
Isn't that just mindbogglingly amazing?
So really, recovery is more than just following a meal plan, oh gosh, it is so much more. It is re-dis-covering yourself, the sparkle in your life, your wants, your dreams, your values, your creativity, your self-worth, your confidence... It is replacing self destructive behaviours and the void inside with curiosity and creativity... It is starting to walk with your head held high, sharing the smile on your lips with others, realising that you are well able to cope with whatever life throws at you, because there is always a solution...
And you are well on the way, doon...
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
I was going to reply here but I decided to write whole new post..thanks for starting this Doon!
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thank u so much michelle seiously it was like u got into my head while typing the need to re qualify for help/advice / to justify my current struggles i hadnt even relaised how much i was doing this until u pointed it out. yes i have come along way but what matters is right now i know there are areas i need to move forward in i really feel everything is kind of falling into place i am done waiting for it to get worse or bad again or any thing else i knwo there are still many areas in my life where i am not free. i still have contol rigidity and rules around food i am nourishing myself adequately which i use as an excuse to then allow the rumbling under current of ed dictate other choices with ed its always so simple he likes to have every tiny bit of my life worked out and fitting into awell scheduled prgram even within recovery i need to realise i still play by alot of his rules i do recovery to a point but only to a point that i get to use- exercise a little, change plan a little maintain even though i have a bit to gain this bit has been a bit since july but i hold for dear life because heaven forbid i may have to face life real problems relationships friendships. in some ways ed is so easy ( iknow not easy but.. its familiar its comforting there is no health danger at present and i get a way with this half recover half ed business i appear recovered i can talk to the wall and i appear happy and i am pretty happy but i am also so lost lonely and desperate for human interaction desperate for self honesty self love and acceptance just longing for permission to stop stop stop pause breath and accept
u cant plough a field by turning it over in ur mind!