The Statue of Liberty

Hi Everyone,

I really resonated with Amelia's post. I have taken steps in my life like moving out and geting a car but what really matters is the action and belief behind a leap of faith. I also really feel I need more stability in me, self contentment and self love. Some days I get attacks of paranoia and I kind of buy into the thoughts.

What I'd also really like would be faith. Believing in another power. I know one person very well who has an unwavering belief and to see her like that fills my heart with love and I feel safe. I'd really like my own connection.

There have been a lot of things I'd like to do that I haven't done, like yoga - I'd love that - there's even a place I know overlooking the beach.

To be honest I really think I have way too much on at the moment. I work every day and even though I love making things it made me realise that even, I, surprise, surprise, need rest, balance, friends, family, housework time, grocery shop time. I know a lot of imbalance really effects me and I have 'fat' days. I know it's not digesting my food properly because I'm eating standing up and I'm eating while I'm stressed.

But I still have food thoughts around some nutrients I need to work on. For the first time this really doesn't scare me. I need and want to do this. And that alone makes me feel better already.

A big breakthrough I had yesterday was around guilt and receiving and deserving and I kept repeating what I'd gone over in my session on Wednesday and I had my best day at my Market yesterday and two different women enquired if I took orders for their shops.

Last night I had an amazzzzing dream. I dreamt I was down in a cove on rocks and the water was splashing around and it was a clear clear night. Way way up north I could see lights on a penninsula and loads of planes coming and going from there. And then as I stared more I realised I could see the outline of the statue of liberty - the arm extended out into the air and the spikes along the crown. I had this feeling that my breath was taken away and I can remember that feeling still this morning.

Ok I know this post has lacked any kind of coherency but what I needed to get at was TIME. You can't always be working and burn the candles at both ends. Neglect a few things when you over focus on one. I neglect to see any good in my life as opposed to thinking: feeling and thinking good attracts good experiences (which it does). I was just getting so fed up and so tired and had no feeling for Christmas whatsoever. I had no feeling for anything really. All the hope I'd put into things that didn't work out the way I wanted them to had me hoped out. I haven't learned a big lesson but I need to admit when I'm wrecked and bring balance to my life because otherwise I end feeling a zillion times worse than is true AND I start feeling sorry for myself (instead of having supported myself and credited myself).

Life takes time. A positive attitude brings positive results. I desperately need some kind of balance. I want to, every part of my body needs to start yoga, I want to tackle any thoughts around misconceptions around certain nutrients (thanks be to God I finally feel like this.) And I need to stick at it and not throw the towel in - just stick at it, but make your efforts count, after yesterday's triumph, I actually ACTED, not just hoped and results do come. I hadn't lost hope for recovery I'd lost hope for a life. Eventhough I'm 26 I thought oh god I've no foot on any career ladder, I don't know where to go even, what I want or what I really don't want. It didn't strike me that I could go to New York for a year or London. I thought 'oh God I'll never make friends (condition thought).'

Right now I really don't know where I am or where I'm going to I feel worried and anxious and sad that I'm here at 26 and that I've no clear direction. Most of all I feel mostly sad because I've put myself here because I believed EVERYONE was more important than me and I was here to take care of everyone else when really no one needs my help with their life and my job is me. I feel sad I've neglected myself because I thought I had to take care of people who definitely didn't need any help.

But I'm learning I am where I am I made progress yesterday and so that's proof. If I can get a class I'll go to yoga tm. I've to decorate my parents' house - hopefully get me in the Christmas spirit. I'll breathe. Take Christmas as Christmas and enjoy the fire and the movies and the walks and the board games (:)))))) ) and KNOW that I have opportunities if I believe I deserve and if I can keep away from stress and connect with myself to see what I want.

Acknowledge all the steps I've taken. Enjoy Christmas with my friends and family. Smile. Relax. Stop worrying and take stock.

Please God x