self honesty
Hello my wonderful angels i hope you are enjoyin recovery year 2012
i am not sure why i am writing this post but iknow i need to.
since coming to marino so much has and is changing in my everyday life i honestly feel more relaxed and at peace with myself i couldnt even think of over exercising or pushing myself self care has become important to me all forms of self care rest spiritual self care relationship self care etc
i feel so much more positive everyday and i really have slowed down and find my self talk is much improved i am much more open to things and i feel better in myself just internally i have hope again which really for so long i was plodding along saying yes i will recover but for me recovery was going to b manging at that didnt sound too appealing
i can see how my life can be i can see what real freedom is
HOWEVER....
i dont know where i am i feel a little out of alignment with what i think i am doing and saying i am doing and what i am actually doing if that makes sense
i find that whten i am having 1 on 1s or any sessions i am honest 100 % i tell them that i have slips etc and i am totally telling them everything however say since my last session the advice that was given in the moment was lik kick ass briliiant inspirational i felt alive and invigorated it clicked made sense and i was on a high for a while saying ya ya thats it wow its a tantrum i dont need to give in or itll stay strong and the lst lingering bits will take longer to go
it has been explained to me that because there is 95% caitriona now and 5 % ed thats why it feels so so so rotten when i do give in because it is so out of alignment with the real me
i understand it all
however even in the moment i hear it there is a part of me holding back a little saying ya thats it that starts tomorrow ya i totally get it u r gonna do it but just give ur self this 1 day to process and restrict a tiny bit so u can relax and process what u have absorbed and tomorrow turns into wednesday etc...
this is not a new pattern infact this is how i have lived the past 10 years this procrastination because of this theoretical activity / food intake balance that i strive to achieve.
the rules ed comes up with are not new
i cud list them all i have listed them all i have written the recovery counter parts i have thought it thro where following ed will bring me to nothing but more of the same i can see clearly that i can recover i can see clearly that everything ed brings me is what i dont want i can see clearly like light bulbs flashing that ed is and always will be mor of the same and yet in the moment i come to this kind of agreement and the worst part is in that moment i think its self care its like oh u canrealx sleep 12 hours bath etc... and we'll just modify this tiny bit.
i understand having had activity issues for 10 years and now doing zilch its uncomfortable but its not that its just the fact that IT STILL FEELS RIGHT TO MODIFY A LITTLE TO GIVE IN TO THE LITTLE RESTRICTION TINY MODIFICATIONS because " they sont really make a difference" it wont affect ur weight" normal people modify their intake based on activity .......... BUT ITS A CYCLE A CYCLE A 10 YEAR CYCLE THAT I HAVE LIVED A 10 YEAR CYCLE I AM DESPERATE TO GET OUT OF THAT HAS RUINED DESTROYED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF WITH THE PRESENT MOMENT AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOS NA DMY SPIRITUALITY ITS A CYCLE BASED ON LIES DECEIT AND DENIAL. i dunno what i am waiting for i mean i am in the best place ever i believe with my heart and soul it can and will happen for me i cna and will be fully free but i hold back i hold on to the comfort i dont know what i am thinking i dont want to manage to function to survive iw ant to live breath sing laugh and be happy fully happy......
i want to stop procrastinating and only i have the power to do so
EVERY FEAR ED THROWS AT ME RE WIGHT ETC DOESNT FRIGHTEN ME AS MUCH AS THE FEAR OF STAYIN HERE OF HAVING THE VALUABLE RESOURCE OF MARINO AND NOT USING IT TO ALLOW MYSELF TO RECOVER TO PLOD ALONG IN THIS SAFETY ZONE OF NOT BEING TOO UNDERWEIGHT BLOODS NORMAL BUT STUCK STUCK IN VICIOUS CYCLE OF RIGIDITY AND LACK OF SPONTANEITY I WNAT TO LIVE I DONT WANT EVERY MOMENT OF MY DAY TO BE PREPLANNED I NEED TO BREATH AGAIN
...and you are giving yourself all the answers and you know...only you can do this step...
So what would happen if you didn't restrict?
You will only find out by doing it. The fear of something that might happen (as per condition) is often so much more distorted and silly, but yet paralysing you. And you can only get over this paralysis in doing the opposite of what ed says.
So, what are you waiting for?
Take your parachute - and jump!!
Love yourself for it - and jump!!
Be curious - and jump!!
Remember how you felt before you went to Dublin for your week intensive? All the fears you had...
And which of the fears came true?
NONE!!!
Happy New Year to you! This is the year the month, the day, the hour to take another small step further!
Visualise the feeling of pride you will have when you have done it, the sheer joy and exhilaration, the sense of freedom --- and then jump!
Stop giving the condition so much mental energy, it doesn't deserve it.
Hold your head up high and GO girl!
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
Hi Caitriona ..
I agree with Robin and I think fair play to you - condition is not gonna have much longer of a shelf life with you around!! it's like you're going around checking the "expiry date" on a bunch of old condition thinking and finding that it really is gone off - got blue mould all over it .. but it's like you are hesitating over dumping it..
That's ok ... we all do that before we dump stuff that doesn't serve us ... It's like maybe if i shave all that mould off, i can still eat that old cheese...Or maybe even tho I never liked that jumper - one day I'll suddenly love it ...
And - yes sure you can eat bad cheese if you like ... And you can wear a horrible jumper you always hated if you want too. But when cheese is bad - it's bad - it stinks! Stinks even more if you eat it wearing a jumper you hate!
My point is this - most human beings find it "challenging" to throw out stuff. And horrible jumper mouldy cheese thinking is no exception. We tend to fear change - even tho change and growth is in fact the only constant in life. So as with any change you make on journey to recovery ....SELF CREDIT is the kep to make you feel solid as you go towards something new - freedom.
Lots of credit for awareness first of all of what is you and what is condition (that takes commitment to get that far!) Second remind yourself the condition thinking is well past its expiry date and it never made you happy. Third - choose freedom, positive thinking and TRUST - trust love, trust life, trust all of us recovered people ... that ultimately decisions and actions motivated by fear and insecurity NEVER make anyone happy. Trust time - even if it doesn't look brilliant straight away- it will!
Ps - a little side note - I was stopped dead in my tracks when I was once told to stop making decisions that discounted my future ...........
U welcome hon- one more thing that helps hugely is a self credit notebook. Get yourself a little notebook and every day or evening write down as many things as you can that you give yourself credit for. Minimum 5 things. These include not only positive actions but also positive thinking. So if you realise you are thinking negative - you are comparing and beating yourself up and you STOP ito re-frame/challenge//change the thought/say an affirmation - put that down in your notebook. Give yourself credit fir enjoyin the rain! Fir allowing yourself have a lie in!! More you use the credit notebook the more excited u will becone about the changes you are making and more confident about your ability to make and handle change! ;)
Hi Caitriona,
I can really identify with your post. Thanks Robin and Em for such helpful replies.
I find the following so relevant for me thanks.
So what would happen if you didn't restrict?
You will only find out by doing it. The fear of something that might happen (as per condition) is often so much more distorted and silly, but yet paralysing you. And you can only get over this paralysis in doing the opposite of what ed says.
So, what are you waiting for?
Take your parachute - and jump!!
Love yourself for it - and jump!!
Be curious - and jump!!
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thank you both so much
ur replies meant so much to me and really affected me and propelled me forward
i really feel this is it for me i have come to the stage where i am 100% ready to give it my all no holding back
i have printed both your posts as they really and truly were the exact word for word motivators i needed the combined analogies and motivation was ideal and perfect
honestly i cant put it into words how deepy grateful i am
with love
caitriona
u cant plough a field by turning it over in ur mind!