school????
Dear fellow icebergers,
Im going through a confusing time right now and just wonderin has anyone experienced something similar...
Ok, so today I had an appointment to hopefully get funding so I can get more appointments, fingers crossed ill get this!! But the problem is im in sixth year...and to me, I dont have time to study and put 100% towards recoveru.. But I know, that wherr im at now, im not focussed on my leaving cert and I most definitely wont do as well as im capable of. Apart from this worry, im relatively happy in my classes..and im gettin by. If the shadow if exams werent hanging over me, id say its the happiest ive been in school ever.
So ita been put to me, that if I get funding, I may have the option of doing intensive and going back.to.fifth year, as much as escaping the leaving cert appeals to.me, am I just putting off the inevitable? I do realise it is probably best from an academic point of view, but will leaving my best friend and havin to start in new classes really work???
Im so.confused....
Any ideas on this??
Xx
Dear beautiful aine,
I can understand our confusion and in a way I'm glad you are confused...it means your mind is shuffled up and something is processing there. It definitely doesn't mean that condition has the stronger hand there any more, because condition would answer your question straight out: No, don't do intensive.
I have not personally been in your situation, but there are quite a few people who have, so I let them answer from their point of view.
For me, from the angle of full recovery, the answer seems quite clear:
Your main focus in life at present is full recovery.
The sooner you recover, the less damage you apply on your body, the sooner you will regain your health and vitality, the sooner you will have the ability to fully concentrate, to laugh, to dance, to live, to socialise confidently...
You will not be leaving your best friend, you just won't see her that often, but you will gain new friends and will be able to tell her about them.
I had to smile at your question "am I just putting off the inevitable?"
depends what the inevitable is, recovery or leaving cert...
Don't think at it as escaping the leaving cert, because you are not going to escape it really. You are putting it on hold, so that you can fully focus on your recovery and health. Then you will go back and you will get through the leaving cert with a lot more tools in stress management and with a much more energetic body, mind and spirit.
Look back at your questions and your confusion and see what is furthering your recovery and what not...
Don't give the condition any more energy!
Speak to your therapist, and also speak to your friend as well...if she is a real friend she will rather see you healthy and well...
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
dear Aine,
I read your post and it brought me back about 6 years. I too was in your position when I was in 6th year. Only I chose to continue on, struggle on through to finish with my friends. At the time, the thought of leaving school for a year and coming back absolutely freaked me out. When it was put to me to take a break, I didn't even weigh up my options. In my head I was finishing school and that was it.
In hindsight, it was the wrong decision. At the time though, I was so deep in the ED, I culdn't make that decision for myself and I didnt have the courage to leave my friends behind. It would have been the best option for me though. I remember very clearly struggling during my chemistry exam in June. I got to half the paper and gave up. I didnt have the energy or brain food in my brain to keep going, I was mentally and physically exhausted. Turns out I didnt do too bad in the exam, but that didnt really matter. What mattered was that I neglected myself, my health and my well-being to finish a set of exams that I could have done a year later. It wasnt worth it and to think now, I amn't even good friends with my friends now, the ones I was sooooo worried of leaving behind.
I think Robin's advice is spot on. I think looking after your health is your number one priority. I think you even weighing up your options like this shows that deep down, you know you want to look after your health and well being. Be proud of that, not embaressed that your taking a break from your studies. Not many 6th year students have that maturity.
Now speaking as a teacher, I know that when I am in the classroom, I can tell the kids who have eaten a breakfast or not. Because the ones who havnt dont concentrate, are giddy and sleepy. That is not the way I know they can learn. Just think how easy it would be to come back next year, fully fueled and ready to go. That leaving cert will not be half as daunting as it may seem now.
With me, I guess I can see how long my recovery has tken. I pushed through school and college and never took a break. Almost a behaviour in itself. My recovery has suffered and while I have always tried to give it 100%, it never worked out like that because i always gave my priority to my studies.
Nobody can tell you what to do. deep down you know which option you should take, dont let your fear cloud your decision.
amanda xxx
Hi Aine,
I am in no position to give you advice, sorry.
I would just really like to say to you not to give up, that there is a life out there for you without ED, so please dont look for comfort in ED because its full of lies & misery.
You deserve so much more than that.
xx
Hey gorgeous,
Regret is not the right emotion to be in right now. Regret at a situation that didn’t present won’t get you anywhere now, it’ll just keep you stuck and rob you off all your emotional energy. Turn around and, just like you said, you are gonna fight for it now, as much as you can!!
Don’t live with your head back to front, looking back at three months ago, where you might have maybe been able to do something or you should have and what would have happened if you just had… NOPE, you have to stop that here and now. These words belong to the condition language and this kind of regret at the moment is something you can’t afford and don’t need, because it will not help you one bit along with your recovery.
Be proud of yourself that you actually asked the question now. You weren’t in the same place three months ago. Take this as your motivation. Remember that there is always a solution. This is a challenge now and you are well able to handle this.
Three months ago you were not, otherwise you probably would have posted this three months ago, do you understand?
So there you go, from here on forward. No one can go back and make a new start, but anyone can start from now and create a brand new end…
So don’t feel lost, my dear, rather feel found!!! You were lost much more three months ago, you are much more aware about your priorities now, don’t let condition’s regret spoil this for you. Just think about how weird it is that, to spite the condition and the mess it created you fall back into condition…so, you hurt yourself to tell the condition off… doesn’t really make sense, don’t you think?
It is the condition that is fighting teeth and nails to keep you stuck, but well, I see a really strong and wonderful aine growing there!!!
YOU GO GIRL, walk from here on forward, stop looking back, or you risk running into a lamp post. And make sure to discuss all this with your main therapist as well, not just on iceberg.
Love,
Xxx Robin xxx
Hey Aine
Ah yes i remember so well the fear that if i were to repeat a year, or take a year off, would that make me a failure!! Well Aine my love, I didnt just take one year out, or two, i took three, between all the jigs and reels. You know it was the best decision i ever made. Our society seems to prioritise more getting on in life and finishing our studies, than it does over coming a life threatening illness. In order to help you with this, I will say, that in the end you will still get there. Taking a year out does not mean you put your life on hold, it means you have the time to really confront the ED without any distractions, and that becomes your leaving Cert. You study it, get to know it, find the answer to problems and finally the freedom knowledge soaks in, and you begin to live, like you never lived before. You will than return to school level headed, more energy, better able to concentrate, more secure in yourself, and you will do better.
I really do think, that taking the pressure off in relation to school and exams will really help you focus on your freedom.
I am now a fully qualified teacher with five years, have my own house, getting married in July, gone on amazing trips all around the world, have a great social life, have fantastic friends and family, and all of this as i said has come into my life in the last 5 years, and thats thanks to the fact, i did an intensive, i faced the ED, I lived my freedom, and I guess you can say I won.
Hope this helps, dont feel pressurised into it, think about for a few days, worry not, as everything always works out in the end
xxxxxxemerh
Im in a currant situation only instead of school i took time out of work and a career. at the beginning it was tough i swayed between whether i made the right decision or not but now im glad. before i was trying to juggle work and recovery and i wasnt doing so well in recovery now im doing better and have the time to get to know me what i like etc and try out different things that can help me recover. but it takes so much work, its so easy with extra time to use it for the ed but then the time off for me is defo makin me challenge the ed more.
Dear Aine, i really can empathize with u as 11 years ago i was faced with the same challenge. I was too sick to be in school, it was public knowledge at that stage but the perfectionism and control and drive i felt wanted to remain there and prove to myself and others that i could survive and be 'successful'. However, the decision was in my hands but in a way was taken out of my hands and i had to leave school in march before my leaving cert. I still did it studying from home but i locked myself in my room and just focused on studying and was allowed to resit the exam in the same school. So forward 11 years and i am working on my freedom, im recovered from behaviours but working on self development now, I feel as a teacher also that it would have been so much more beneficial for me and i may have had more of my 20s in freedom had i admitted to myself that i was on teh road to destruction, in fact i was so far down it. You have certainly a choice now hunny and its surely confusing as ed telling u to do one thing, and recovery another. You can go back to sit the exam and maybe even choose to go to the institute when u have concentrated on intensive and freedom first, its not going anywhere and besides the economy is not so great at the moment!! Its time for u hon, thats all u need, time for u, not perfectionism, stress, pressure and all the bhaviours that go with that to cope.
Hope this helps hon your doing great by posting and being on iceberg love butterfly xx
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Thanks for the replies, they have been so helpful and now im juat full of regret that I did not post this three months ago. Because then maybe I wud have found the strength to wats right. But having read ur replies im guna try fight for it if I can.. When I finished fifth year, which I did with great difficult, havin missed alot of school time and not being able to sit my end of year exams, I was offered a place to repeat. I turned to two friends, one of whom begged me not to leave her on her own in the class. "its fine aine, we are both screwed. I never work either." she told me, and I wqs petrified if I listened to my gut, id lose her, she wudnt wanna be my friend because I left her.
The second, is in fifth year now, and she convinced me I wudnt likr her year, and I was afraid she was right. I was afraid to go against wat was comfortable. Now all I have is alot of regret ans a feeling of doom knowing the depths of work I have to do. Being so stuck in condition doesnt facilitate this.
My school wont let me drop out of sixth yr into a fifth yr class, they are not being overly helpful and someone has even suggested a change of school but tht wud be so overwhelming I imagine??
Lookin back I see that condition really really messed this up for me, it promised me a safe place but really thats the furthest place from where I am now. Faced with this disappointment I have the choice of sayin **** off condition look what youve done, something I am well aware of now, but instead I find myself lookin for comfort in it, saying well im screwed now so may as well keep going.
Sorry for ranting, just really lost right now..
Thanks for the great replies.
Xx
Aine x