Scared

2 replies [Last post]
Fri, 30/07/2010 - 10:40
eva
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Joined: 29/06/2010
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hello lovelies

So today i start a new road on my journey to recovery and life. I was going along well enough...eating new foods and trying to accept my feelings but alas it wasnt enough....my body was not improving but actualy disimproving. I think it was al the stress and worry that was burning all the calories. I thought i was doing well but maybe deep down i knew I could be doing more...i wasnt following my entire meal plan and not pushing myself and challenging ed enough.

So yesterday myself and my therapist decided we needed to take action urgently. We rang my dietician during the session and asked her to send me a complete meal plan and bring me closer to freedom.

But i have to trust the professionals. ive listened to ed for 6 yrs and its brought me nothing but bad awful experiences and stress and ill health. In order to recover i have to eat.....i have to push myself way way beyond my comfort zone. But my god the fear is immense...i feel like crying every time i look at the plan or a snack time approaches. How will i eat and rest and do self care??????

ED STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE>>>>>>>> I NEED TO NOURISH ANF REPAIR MY ACHING BODY. But wat if i cant??????? Can i recover.....can i do it???????

Xxxxxx

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Fri, 30/07/2010 - 15:05
#1
kizzy
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Joined: 17/07/2010
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reply to eva

Hi Eva
Just to say I'm right there with you, my body craves rest and nutrition but the negative distorted thinking leads me to turn away, over and over again. Every fortisip fills me with emotions and I don't know how to comfort myself, nothing seems to work like the old way of condition. But it's a road to death or insanity and every fortisip or nutritional snack is a step towards recovery. I don't even know what recovery looks like and am too scared to even think that far ahead. All I know is that I'm torturing myself with behaviours and I have to trust that the distress of following the mealplan will lessen. Just now though, it's hard. Others have got through, so maybe we can too if we can just persevere through this stage.
kiz

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Fri, 30/07/2010 - 17:49
#2
dora
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Joined: 23/12/2009
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im not sure if this will help

im not sure if this will help or not but i am feeling the same. but i think back to all i have done so far and i was terrified then and kinda still am but the worst did not happen. things like ringing the centre , going to group , going to my first session, letting someone hug me, going to lanzarote, going to an nutritionist, crying, laughing etc..... what i do now when it comes to recovery i break each thing down into as many steps as possible ie breakfast:
i wake up tick
i have a shower tick
i get dresse tick
i walk to the kitchen tick
i open the press tick
i put porroige in the pot tick i turn on the cooker tick
i ad water tick
i make a cup of tea tick
i sit down tick
i eat tick
i taste tick
i have a quick look on iceberg tick
i wash up tick

small measureble steps manageble steps rigth now baby steps, that way as i complete each task i can in theory let it go and move on to the next rather than an overwhelming task if you know what i mean...

right now i see pain as feelin alive even though i would rather not feel pain its better to feel alive than like the walking dead lost in some vortex when the world and life spins around and aroun all around me but me stuck in a time warp. fear could be like that too feeling alive rather than unaffecte. if we feel fear now that mans that its possible we can feel happiness annd peace at some point down the road....

Cirx

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.

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