scared

I got really scared this week, really scared. Scared that I wouldn't get better, scared that condition was going to swallow me up. I've been feeling so wretchedly unwell. Yet in the midst of feeling physcially that I could die, I'm still engaging in behaviours. I know I'm showing up for sessions, reading and posting on iceberg, doing my best to take the fortisips and improve my nutrition, torment myself if I'm exercising, yet feel everything is getting much much worse. God this thing is tough.
I really don't know where to turn anymore. Okay , so condition is strong, but what is condition but my own distorted thinking. It's coming out of my head, part of my brain is thinking these distorted thoughts and these thoughts are strong. So whats the rest of my brain doing, sitting back and being a walkover, thats what. Are there no other thoughts up there Kiz, you pride yourself in being reasonably bright, with an enquiring mind, you can usually see more than one point of view, so what is it with this stuff?
So what are you scared of really, scared of your own thoughts, coming out of your own head. Thats whats driving the feelings and behaviours. You're scaring yourself !! as Marie says.
So I could in theory think differently, I could challenge the thoughts more, I have that power. I can change my mind about a pair of shoes, a flavour of tea, I can change my opinion about a person, I can , so , challenge and change my view of the world and me in it. It's just going to take time. So hang in there , kiz, and do the nutrition, that way you give yourself a chance.
Kizzy