Rights & Wrongs for Parents of ED child
As parents of a 16 year old Girl in the early stages of ED, we are not sure what to do at meal times. Our daughter is loosing weight by the day and will only eat tiny little
portions. How do we react? Meal times are a nightmare with fighting and tears. Should we avoid highlighting the ED or fight with her at every meal to eat more. She has said that she wants to maintain her weight but continues to loose it. Help
Dear Alan and Paula,
Welcome to Iceberg.
I am replying to you not as a Moderator or as a Professional, but as a parent. As parents we find hard to accept that there is not a simple, quick answer to our questions. The most we can help to our children is to believe that they will recover.
Recovery from Eating Distress is not about weight. Recovery is complex process with mental and physical well-being as outcome.
‘Weight’ originate from insurance companies and more and more professional around the world are agreeing that weight is not a reflection of recovery.
As parents, we often are very problem focused, which can bring more anxieties, which feeds our loved one distress. Concentration on the problem can enlarge and over-emphasise the problem. We need to look for the person’s strengths, talents, skills and resources emphasising hope and successful ways of recovery.
I would recommend to have a comprehensive medical check up and than asked for advice your daughter’s practitioner and experienced nutritionist to guide you.
Give yourself plenty of credit for supporting your daughter. Children with ED, who’s parents are learning and supporting them usually recover faster.
Here are some links to other posts which you could find helpful:
Freedom stories http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/sites/eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/f...
Parents, Family and Carers
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/parents-family
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/families-friends-and-eating-distress
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/blog/marie/2011/march/26/do-you-ha...
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/blog/marie/2011/january/05/childre...
Remember – everybody can be recovered
Marie
Thank you Alan and Paula for your message.And Thank you to Marie for replying to Alan and Paula.As you know eating Distress is a vicious cycle, many of the associated behaviours reinforce or strengten the beliefs hold by the sufferer which drive the disorder.What may have begun as apparently minor steps to feel more in control of weight and shape become gradually a pattern which is causing problems in the sufferer ( Health issues ) and family life ( Fights and tears around nourishing time ).To take control back from the eating Distress, the family needs to show support and the sufferer needs to be helped to overcome the denial stage. first step is to have child checked by a General practitioner specialized in Eating Distress , Step 2 profesional to discuss in details how judging yourself based on controlling eating ,shape and weight can lead to these disturbed eating habits and weight control behaviours, step 3 profesional needs to discuss what does normal eating means for the sufferer and what it means really when you are not in the depth of Eating Distress, step 4-looking at strategies for challenging thinking of sufferer , challenging dietary rules.......those steps will require numerous one to one sessions and family guidance sessions-Those steps often needs to be broken down in more steps as the denial stage can take some times to be overcomed.From what you are writing I beleive your chid is in denial about the seriousness of the situation due to the disorder. Avoid maybe making your love conditional to weight appearance and achievements but make it clear that you are concerned and you want her to get better.Tell her how you are feeling because it is important for her to hear how much you care -She needs to hear that you are not going to let the condition take over her life because it is destroying her. Alan and Paula, you need to trust the process and you are right she cannot keep loosing weight but infortunatly the lost of weight is happening because of where she is with the condition. Be firm with the condition ( set the boundaries, you are the one in charge ) and be loving with her.But be prepared that it will take courage because you are now fighting the condition and your child will react against what you do.If she knew what she needs she would not be in the need of your care ( And I know you are doing what you can despite what is going on at home with the condition based behaviours ) Finally Please bring her to a Gp specialised in Eating Distress to avoid any more health complications/ Can one of you ,readers help Alan and Paula as it is a difficult time for them right now. Wishing you to get lots of of recomfort with our replies. Take care,Patricia
Alan and Paula, I am not the greatest writer, I just would like to tell you: It will get easier. I got a lot of understanding reading people’s post on Iceberg
Dear Alan and Paula,
I am glad you ave decided to use iceberg to find some support.
First and foremost I want to repeat Marie's words: ED is a condition from which your daughter can recover fully and completely. So please, never ever lose HOPE.
Being a carer for a child struggling with ED (we also refer to it as 'condition') is certainly a very challenging place to be in.
It is frightening to see your daughter 'fade' and to feel powerless in this battle.
The condition is like an intruder in your family life, trying to take over control not only of your lovely daughter but even the whole family dynamics.
So as such, it might help you to see not your daughter as the one who is refusing to eat and fighting you, but the condition that is denying her adequate nourishment.
And I am sure, the more you try to make your daughter eat, the more stubborn the condition voice will get in her head and she will just refuse all the more.
Maybe you can try and switch the focus away from her weight and dietary intake and rather look at how she is doing otherwise. Talk about your day at the dinner table, about plans, holidays, about how school was. Use the mealtime to catch up on the day. Show her that you care, that you love her the way she is. Tell her you are concerned. But refrain from making comments on her looks/weight, because the condition will thrive on that (I know from my own experience, anybody telling me that I looked thinner, or anytime I weight myself and the number was smaller, I would have hurrayed inside, while in complete denial to the outside).
Try to learn as much about the condition as possible so that you understand it more. To be aware that your daughter is not well is good, but it is important to understand how the condition works, if you want to be a good support to your daughter...and not lose yourself at the same time.
Marie gave you already a few links to sites where you can find more information. When you know the way the condition works, then you are in a much stronger position to fight it.
Also, please know that you are not alone in this. There are other parents out there that have gone or are going through similar struggles as you at the moment. It helps to exchange and support one another and I hope more parents are taking the courage to answer you here as well.
There is also a group for parents, carers and sufferers on Saturday mornings in the Marino Centre in Dublin (http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/forum/saturdays-carers-and-suffere...).
Your daughter is very lucky to have parents that care, that want to help and support and want to know what is the right way to do that. This is fantastic and will certainly help a lot in her recovery. So please, trust that full recovery is possible. It will be a journey, there is no quick-fix, but it is so worth it and you all, as a family, will grow with it.
Never ever give up hope!
xxx Robin xxx
Hi Guys,
My reply was to long to post as a reply, so its available here
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/forum/reply-rights-and-wrongs-pare...
Take Care,
Saoirse
Hi Alan and Paula,
Again as everyone else has said-fair play to you for acknowledging whats going on and looking for help. The help is there which I know for my parents was a relief to hear in itself. And again no matter how impossible it may seem recovery is there for EVERYONE and that most definitely includes your daughter.
Saoirse's list of helpful tips during mealtimes are very similar to what helped me. As much as the condition didnt like it and fought against it, having my parents there during mealtimes was vital. Also by having them by my side throughout my recovery is a major reason for me being here and fully recovered today. I found distraction during and after meals helpful. Being there for your daughter is the main thing right now, believe in recovery for your daughter- she can get there,
Sending you hope and all the best wishes, Louise
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