Reply to Rights and Wrongs for parent of ED child

Dear Alan and Paula

Firstly, can I just welcome and congratulate you on reaching out and askin for help and guidance, it's a brave step- admitting that you are at a loss of what to do, a fact that few admit but everyone experiences.

Secondly, although there are guidelines that will certainly help the process that both you as parents, and your daughter as sufferer are going through easier, there is unfortunately, in my opinion no "rights or wrongs" for parents. There is no manual from which you can read to make everythin ok, and take away your daughters distress. I suppose my own experience is that there are certain strategies that are helpful and those that aren't, those that are conducive to recovery and those that hinder it.

I speak to you as someone who was at the stage your daughters at once, and is now fully recovered and free of the torment of ED. I speak to you as a daughter of parents who had all the information, tried their very best, and still slipped up, as did I, on many occasions. I share my own experience with you as someone who had not a "right" and "wrong" parent throughout my journey but as someone who had a "helpful" and "less helpful" parental approach present throughout my recovery process.

What I found helpful at mealtimes (and in general)

All sitting down together. Although my condition would have rathered be alone altogether, this was not conducive to recovery. Neither was sitting on my own with one anxious parent gawking at every morsel of food that I put into my mouth and loudly sighin at everythin I picked at or left behind.

Discussion about peoples day, be it at work/school/in the garden/ infront of the telly/what they seen.who they were talking to etc...

Not talking about the food that was infront of us. Harpin on about how healthy the food is is really quite futile, your daughters condition will have made its mind up about it from the moment it saw whatever it is unpacked from the shopping bag a week previous. And you might as well start to accept that in earlier stages, conditions opinion has an innate ability to become engrained as fact.......parental opinion counts for very little.

Appointments with a compassionate, patient,non judgemental but straight talking nutritionist......this really is NB NB NB! This may not be the easiest to find but they do exist!

I think alot of the time I thought I was "cheating" at recovery when I stuck to "safe" foods. And one of my parents certainly would have held similar opinions. This opinion was not helpful, nor was having someone undermine my efforts. If cooking safe foods, and dishing out normal portions means that your daughter is eating for now, i would go with it. When the emotional side of things is worked on she'll be in a stronger place to challenge herself more on the nutrition. (Having said that- it is important that she does not deteriorate in the mean time, therefore regular visits to a GP specialising in ED is essential)

Talk about calories, fat, points, diets, fat/skinny celebs, "good"/"bad" foods?!?!......JUST DONT EVEN GO THERE- no explanation needed.

I had one parent who would eat what they wanted without question or justification,talk away about nothing particualr at all, get on with their life and go about their daily business. Essentially-they would act as tho there wasn't an extra person- condition, sitting at the dinner table or living in the house. Others would discreetly drop into the conversation how long it had taken them to cook the dinner, how they couldnt make any plans cause they had to be here for me at meal times etc., how they didn't like to meet up with friends because they didn't want to talk about me etc....
Look after yourself, continue with your own life, don't wait for your daughter to recover...... be a role model to your daughter- walk your talk.

Don't ask why they won't eat, or what's wrong with them, whats wrong with the food?...............They don't know, condition does, and right now it's likely to be winning nearly every battle. Chances are she is confused, distressed and guilty enough without further fuel to the fire.

Encourage distractiong her after meal times (but dont push her)-- crosswords, gardening, baking, Comedy DVD's, jigsaws, making collages, going out for a coffee somewhere nice, dropping her over to a friends house, go clothes shopping, bring the dog for a short wander etc etc.... it'll make her days so so much easier.

Never take what your daughter says personally, particularly not at meal times. Condition can be extra strong when it is threatened and it is most likely it's words, not your daughters that come rushing out in these situations. Don't retaliate with equally hurtful comments- ED is difficult for everyone, but words cannot even describe just how firstly- strong and secondly- painful it is for the sufferer in early stages. Trust that she will feel guilty enough about whatever words are uttered later, without your input. So to the best of your ability, LET IT GO.

NEVER blame yourself for your daughters condition, equally- never blame her! Neither of you consciously and in your right mind, chose this path.

ED, and in your daughters case, restriction, is a symptom of her distress and not a cause! Although the physical/nutritional side of it is whats probably most obvious to you right now, try understand that it is not the reason for ED nor is working on solely it the cure. Focusing on it, without paying equal if not more attention to her emotional and psychological wellbeing is likely to have detrimental effects of her ability to fight this.

Most importantly-- NEVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE. I can only imagine the distress and heartache that a parent experiences as they watch their child hurting themselves so much. But you are not alone, many are where you are, and many have been where you are now. HOPE is the most important tool for recovery, without a shadow of a doubt. Doubt and skeptisism in our ability to recovery is one of the most devastating blows to recovery. Its inevitable that there will be days when you are tired and fed up and lose all hope, but never dispel your anxieties about full recovery to your daughter. It is your issue, not hers, and although all you might need is a good night sleep, it is likely to be toxic to her recovery, with much longer term consequences. By all means talk to someone about it, talk to each other about it, but leave your daughter out of it! Chances are she doubts herself enough for everyone already.

There are no "rights" or "wrongs" just helpful and less helpful approaches. Remember-- your daughter has the ability to recover fully from this, unfortunatly, you cannot do it for her. What is within your control is establishin the supportive, understanding environment which will defo help make the journey much more barable and possible.

Thank you again Paula and Alan for reaching out to the ICEBERG community, I realy admire your open and honest post. Keep up the amazing work in terms of educating and seeking guidance, she may not recognise it now, or even soon, but someday your daughter will thank you for all you have done, your effots, your bid to understand, your compassion and love. Additionally, some day she will appreciate just how tough this journey was on you and other family and friends too......but for the moment, she needs to just accept and work on her own pain.

thanks again, and hopefully this wont be the last we hear from you, a parental perspective is so so valuable for all involved, not just other parents or sufferers, but for those revoered who never really understood the heartache, dilemmas and pain that parents can face.

Ill leave you with a coupld poems I wrote when in mid to late stages of revovery, hopefully they might help make what I said clearer or help you in some way:

Just Be There

Don’t ask me- whats wrong? Don’t ask me- why?
Above all don’t despair.
Just stand by me, through good and bad
By this I’ll know you care.

I may not thank you every day,
I may not ever at all
But the relief that I have just knowing your there,
Guarantees I cannot fall

I’ll trip up often, as you will too,
At times there will be screams
But someday soon, we’ll stand side by side
And start to live our dreams

My words may be muted, but I speak from the heart
I’m grateful, I’m sorry and I’m scared
My hurtful words are not my truth,
To believe them would be unfair.

Be my parent and Be my protector,
But don’t try to be my saviour
Accompany me along the road
Remember I’m me! I’m not my behaviour.

Have faith, have hope, have un doubted belief,
Drop pride or shame or guilt
Brick by brick we’ll get through this, ,
Between us all a happy home will be built!

Let Go

Know me now just as I am, not as I was before
Remember all the times that passed, thank god they are no more
Don’t try to forget, or even forgive...but let go of how things were
For I was tainted by a demon, engrained within me it would not stir.

Time has passed, and I’ve moved on.....please try to grow with me
For though I was the sufferer, we all need to be free

Take care guys,

Saoirse (H)