relationships workshop

today being dull and rainy i decided to commit some time to recovery to fully reflect on all the learnings from the relationships, friendships and recovery workshop last saturday.

the number one thing i learned is that the most important relationship anyone has being a sufferer or family member or carer is the one they have with themself. untill i accept , then like, then love ME, i cannot fully accept, like or love anyone else. these relationships will be unstable as they have no solid foundation. distorted thinking about oneself leads to relationships which are distorted with others.

But this does not mean i cannot be accepted, liked and loved by others. i might not see this while in ED but it is so impotant that parents or carers keep sending us these messages of love. somewhere deep in our subconscious they are being acknowledged.

a key topic for the day was COMMUNICATION. i got i glimpse at how frustrating, difficult and worrying it is for parents/carers/partners to communicate with there loved one when in the depts of ED. it is the lack of verbal communication which causes such angst. Asking us 'are you ok?', how are you feeling? whats wrong? are sometimes questions i dont know the answer to. sometimes i feel so numb that the answer isnt there. othertimes we feel so guilty and ashamed of our thinking and the answer to these questions that we dont want you to know the truth. and other times we cant answer because of the fear of the reaction we'd get when they know whats going on. all this leads to the withdrawal of verbal communication.

But as Marie pointed out we are all great communicators. ED is a communication with the world that everthing is not ok. behaviours, baggy clothes, avoiding eye contact, silence are they only ways we know how to communicate at times. we also pick up on parents/ carers non verbal communication with us such as looks of concern or eyeing how much we've eaten at dinner.

HUGS HUGS HUGS are great. they say everthing! i'm here for you, i love you, you will recover, it will be ok and if you want to talk you can but if you dont thats ok too. now i'll admit i'm not a huggy person but after a few seconds of being uncomfortable with it its then exactly what i need. i've never ever asked for one despite being desparate for one lots and lots of times, so parents/carers keep giving them. they communicate so much.

parents/carers asked how can we give compliments. being specific works, such as i like that colour on you. Be genuine, its easy to tell when someone is just giving one to be nice. focus on non physical things such as thats really creative, thats kind of you etc. but yes sometimes you cant win. ED at times can distort everything but Marie recommends keep giving them!!

the relationship parents /carers have with themselves is so important. to help your child/partner recover we need to see others living their lives. when a parents life stops due to ED we no longer see examples of living life. everything becomes the ED. when parents have interests, hobbies, meet up with friends, go out for dinner we are reminded of what ED is taking from us and what recovery can give us. when they participate in self care such as good nutrition, resting when tired, positive self talk again we have examples of things we can do to recover. in the depths of Ed i need these reminders and some days i'll actually do it too.

ok so i could go on and on forever on this vast topic. but one thing that is essential is PARENTS/CARERS PLEASE PLEASE POST ON ICEBERG. as said in other posts you said you'd do anything to help us recover. so share and open us to us. we're being brave posting and we need examples of parents/family/partners being brave too. by learning from one another we can help fight ED together

love Aideen xx