Reflections

Hey Beautifuls!!

Life is magical!! On Tuesday morning I was sitting eating breakfast at about 6am as I had an early shift in work. I was looking out over sea in front of the house and it was looking spectacular, the sun was just about up but the sky still streaked with orange and red over the hills on the far side, then something caught my eye on far side of the bay. It was two orca whales!! Their big tails and fins rising up out of water and crashing back down again. The world was still so quite and still apart from these two gorgeous ceatures swimming back out towards the ocean. Moments like that just ground me so completely and I realise sometimes life is truly magical and just blows you away with a moment you never expected was coming when you rolled out of bed at 5.30am.

My year in NZ is drawing to a close and it was made me reflect a little on all that has passed in the last couple of years. So much has changed for me and more and more I'm realising how much I am still figuring things out, learning more about life and me and what I want to create, what I want to get from my time here. I could really resonate with a post by rosebud recently in which she talked about rebuilding life post ed.
I still remember the weekend I landed in Auckland, it was raining, I knew nobody, had no job, no home and I really thought about hopping on a plane back home. I wondered what the hell have I done?! Why am I thousands of miles away from where I called home where I had a full life good friends and family and I've come to somewhere I have nothing. I had to start from scratch, open a bank account, a new phone number, get a tax number, search for a job, find a place to live... It's the best thing I ever did. Less than a year on and I have a second place I call home in the world, things that feel familiar, places I've discovered around the city I love, a job, some routine, and while I still miss my family and friends I've met lots of new people and never have to be alone. I have built a full life from nothing, I have experienced living in another country and so much more I wouldn't have otherwise had the oppurtunity to. It has opened my mind and my eyes. Everyone is different, but I needed to do this and I knew that, I needed to stand on my own for a while get out there and create my own life from afresh, my heart led me here even though in my head that rainy weekend in Auckalnd all logic screamed that this was a stupid stupid idea.

Once I leave here for the next half a year I have planned some of things I have always dreamed of doing, volunteering, hiking in Himalayas, India, hiking machu pichu, learn some spanish, buenos aries, chile, snowboarding.... I had the offer of great permanent job here and I really considered it and again my head said yes but my heart was really not in it and I knew that I may regret not travelling whereas work will always be there. I'm sure I have years and years of it ahead of me!! I sometimes worry maybe I shouldnt pass up permanent secure jobs as this is the second I will walk away from but I do trust in life. I know down the line things will work out, it may not be straightforward or easy and at moments I amy regret not having the secure career and income but I will not be ruled by fear or doubt.

There have been many ups and downs, moments Ive been so sure of myself and times I have despaired having no idea what I want or what Im doing.
I have thrown out old ideas of things I thought I wanted and formed new ones in their place.
In starting to live fully again I have come up against so many challenges, new experiences, unfamiliar situations, have felt way out of my depth at times. I've re-evaluated the ideas of full freedom, recovery and life and what each of them means to me.
I have had to pull myself up on a number of things I became aware of myself doing. I found myself at the begining of a relationship trying to do anything I could to please the guy, not being myself but forcing myself to do the things I thought he would want me to do, in short I was putting my self worth in his hands. Now I can see clearly but at the time I was caught up in it, human emotions are strong particularly if you are sensitive, it took me a little while to take a step back and set myself straight again. Now it makes me laugh, that guy is a friend anyway but soooo not my type I didnt even like him much in terms of boyfriend material and he really annoys me sometimes but I was so hell bent on him falling for me I hardly stopped to notice all that! Relationships are quite new to me as I cut it out completely when in ed and for a long part of recovery but I really learnt from the experience and came out wiser and stronger. It has made me more aware of what I do want.
Now I have someone else that I am completely myself with and am totally relaxed with, he makes me feel great about myself when Im with him and content, its teaching me even more about what I want in a partner.

Body image has been an interesting journey and at times I've thought to myself 'uh oh if anyone could see inside my head now they would take back recovery from me'. But everyone wants to feel good in their body. I was busy and not caring for mine very well. I was feeling lethargic, run down and dare I say it having a lot of 'fat days'. I worried myself in thinking oh no Im feeling bad about my body this must be ed. But it wasnt it was just a normal life reaction to my body not getting the right balance of what it needed too much of some things not enough of others. I had no desire to destroy or punish my body instead I wanted to care for it more, I know what makes me feel good, lots of activity and nourishing foods. I've started paying much more attention to it, but unlike ed It's not obsessive there are no strict rules and I'm totally flexible. But being recovered doesnt mean throwing all care of food/excercise out the window. For me its finding the right balances, so I have lots of energy, feeling positive and healthy and living fully. It includes things like looking after my nails and painting them, using nice hair masks and moisturisers, nice skin cleansers and perfumes I love.
And its also about recognising there are just some days you feel a bit crappy physically so have some patience trust it will pass and just have a little compassion with yourself. I am still learning to listen more to my body and trust it.

I value my health more than ever and still find I have some repreccusions from ed I am trusting will pass with more time. But I always remember how I didnt care at the time and people said Oh youll care when you're recvoered you wont want to live with the consequences.. I never listened. I do care now, I really care and I want to be completely healthy.

Life is all about what you focus on. It is magical and it is crap it just depends on which side you choose to pay attention to. I love my life because I am living my dreams, I am travelling, I have great people in my life, I live right by the sea with amazing view, I make enough money to live the life I want...and hundred of other little fabulous things...
But I miss my family, my friends, I'm really unsure about my job whether I want to do it as a career, at the moment am bored silly in it, I am taking a huge leap of faith taking 6 months out again to travel I have the responsibilites of finding new job place to live again at the other end, I worry about finances... sometimes I think I am just making a big mess of it all. But I know in my heart I am doing what I want with my life, that while my friends were content to stay home in jobs and choose relationships, cars, houses that was not what I wanted. No matter how it all turns out I will not have regrets I have always had a great sense of adventure and a touch of wrecklessness this is who I am, for me I am making the right choices.

When I doublt myself I just look at all I have acheved so far and I fel invincible and filled to the tip top with excitement for all the future holds and more learnings and challenges :) Believe me recovery is just the start of it all but it gets soooo much better.

I remember having a conversation with my sister about life on a chair lift down in Queenstown, dangling our ski's off the edge, in the middle of a big mist freezing our fingers off I remember saying 'If I died right now I'd die content' Which may seem like a bizarre thing to say! I certainly dont want to die nor was I afraid of falling off the lift nor have I achieved all I originally wanted to in life but I meant I would have no regrets and I meant it, I wouldnt change a thing I am making the most of the life I have, no matter what had gone in the past I use it as learning as reference but I do not dwell on it, I am not putting off living into the future, I am not investing energy in things that do not serve me.

I am so looking forward to the future and to all that it brings, we need the confusion to bring clarity and the negatives to search out the positives and every experience makes us stronger just never give up on yourself and always be true to you, trust that the answers will come if you continue with determination and you can make life work. You do not have to be perfect thats not what recovered life is about its just about living and being you expressing yourself freely, falling down getting up.... Do not invest your power in fears and doubts but instead find the solution. there is always solutuion ;)

Happy recovering lovelies
J x x