Rediscovering Excercise
Hello Lovelies!
Hope your all having a good start to a kick-ass freedom fighting week!! :)
Before ed behaviours ever became a part of my life, i was a very active person. From a young age i played lots of sport, loved the outdoors, running, swimming.... I played team sports and loved just getting out there and running around getting involved in whatever game I was playing. I could never have told you how many calories I burnt, how many minutes I ran for.... that was not my motivation It was how I felt - free and enegetic, vitalised.
Like many other things ed stole that from me and made excercise its own, team sports and the outdoors and feeling free and energised turned into a miserable lonely worn out girl inside the 4 walls of a gym running mindlessly and getting nowhere. Over time I gave up the excercise and it stayed that way through recovery at first wanting to take it back up through guilt and feeling lazy and later through wanting to rediscover something I was passionate about. However excercise had become linked with ed and no matter what I did n omatter how well recovery was going when it came to excercise my head was anchored with thoughts of calories burnt and kms ran. Even with full recovery any sports or activities I wanted to do, it just wasnt quite the same. I no longer wanted to do them as they simply did not make me feel good due to old engrained thoughts. I did feel at one stage it was one thing ed had taken from me for good. I didnt really dwell on this nor was I very upset I had discovered a life full of things I loved and I wasnt going to force myself to try and enjoy something I simply didnt any longer. I was more than happy getting outside for walks up the mountains taking my dog to the beach and doing some yoga which I only discovered well into recovery and therefor had no links to ed.
However Ive found that a year down the line, excercise has found a happy way back into my life. I guess it was important for me to let it go in order to find a way back to it. By letting it go I proved to myself I do not need to run etc.. to have a healthy happy body. I am perfectly happy and healthy with my body when I do the simple things to look after it and get some gentle excercise and fresh air. I learnt to trust my body entirely rebuilding the relationship I destroyed and had the time to set that in stone.
Sports etc.. are not for everyone but they are for me, Ive always been active I love it. When I get out there I feel energised, revitalised, feel the endorphins going. Over the past few weeks Ive started going to different classes again at the gym, a mix of yoga and tai chi, a kickboxing style one, a dance one.. I walk out past the tread mills, cross trainers etc.. and have yet to go near one and dont ever seeing myself doing so. I simply dont want to I never enjoyed them it doesnt serve me to do something I dont enjoy. I live out on Wellington bay and tonnes of people jog around it every day the odd time I go for a run when I feel like it but mostly I go out for a walk and sit on a bench breathe in the fresh sea air and relish the fact that this beautiful place is home, just last weekend there were orcas in the water right outside my house!! Im taking up a new team sport which has the added bonus of meeting new people and have a bike to get in and out of work. But again if the weathers not great or i dont feel like cycling I catch the bus, I only do what I genuinally enjoy and I feel no "shoulds" or guilt.. Some weeks I do more than others but I dont keep track, I do what I feel like, Im often busy with other things and dont feel guilty if I dont excercise.
Not everyone is into excercise to begin with, its part again of being unique individuals all of us are into different things, Im definitely not saying you need to find a love of excercise to be free. You need to love what YOU love.
I posted this this because for many of us who genuinally enjoyed being active once upon a time, it can seem that ed has got a grip on that forever and we have to give it up in order to embrace recovery. But ive found thats not the case. Yes I had to let it go entirely and even forget about it in order to find it again. But as part of who I am it came back to me, this time all my own - no longer ed tainted. In time my life continues to become more and more free, I reclaim everything I once lost, ed disappearing as though it never existed, just simply becoming the most powerless thing imaginable.
Dont give up on anything you want in your life, but do be patient, trust and be willing to let go of everything that does not serve you in the search for a free life, choose freedom and choose recovery I promise your life will continue to get brighter and better. What is trully you will find its way back to you and find a way to shine through, Im still amazed how everyday I feel more and more free. My life is truly my own.
Lots of love to you all
J x x
Hi Joanne, Thank you so much for writing this post, its exactly what I've needed to hear for a while. Like you I was always an active child and teenager. I loved sports. I was playing sports every day of the week and most days I was doing more than one sport. It was something I really enjoyed. It wasnt a chore and it was nothing to do with calories burned. Although to be honest, with me I do think there was always a bit of condition tied in with it. I was very very competitive. I always wanted to be the best and I pushed myself to be that. But despite this it was nothing compared to when ED came along in full force. It stole any joy I had with sport. It became something I had to do no matter what. It controlled me.
But now sports is completely gone from my life. I had to cut it out for my recovery. I've been scared lately that I'll never have the energy to do sports again. and even if I do get my energy back that it will always been something that controls me. But after reading your post it has reaassured me that hopefully someday in the future if I still want to I'll be able to reintroduce it in my life and that a healthy relationship with sports is possible.
Patience is key to my recovery at the minute and although sports is not possible at the moment I need to be patient that one day it will be possible to do in a fun, free way.
I love reading your posts which ooze freedom , thanks again Joanne.
Aideen xx
Hi Joanne,
I can relate to your post. Like you, exercise was something I always enjoyed - was always involved in some sort of team sport in school - tennis, hockey, basketball, cross country - the sport of choice may have changed at times, but there was always a team element - I always enjoyed the cross country, and despite all the muck in the fields of running in all conditions, and ending up with muck on my face, it was so much fun, not having a care in the world of the muck smeared across my face, from the mucky puddles, splashing in my face.
I used to go to the gym, and honestly, hand on heard did sincerely enjoy it. Before I moved to Dublin, the gym I used to go to had a social element to it, they used to organise socials, trips to the dog races etc, which were so much fun, and was a fab way of meeting with other people who went to the gym, but also in the gym in Cork, there would be no fear of asking one of the other gym attendees to spot you, and there would be no hassle, whereas I found when I moved to Dublin, there seemed to be no social element, and not much interacting with each other - every one was there just to work out, and were not interested in even saying hi.
During recovery I started exploring other avenues, mainly dance, which I absolutely love. For me personally, dance is so freeing - dance I found, helped me so much with embracing my own body - for not being so self-conscious about myself.
Like you, the condition interfered with what I used to get from exercised - over the past few years, I have explored options that are more fitting for me and my health - dance as mentioned above, but also yoga, which has been a godsend with helping my back sciatica so much - haven't had any major flareups in a year now - have had mini ones, but nothing like the ones before. I do feel part of the problems with my back is due to how I over-exercised when the behaviours took hold, and even though there is a part of me that would like to start jogging again, I haven't done so yet, mostly as I fear the damage it may do to my back. However I know how I will do it, if I do - which would be to look for a personal trainer to look at my jogging form, and ideally would be someone who has background in yoga, who would adapt a more holistic view.
Very often when in recovery, it is easy to forget the benefits exercise does bring us, and as someone with asthma, and who benefits so much from meditation, for me I would say the breathing is important, as the more we learn to breathe properly, the easier it is to be able to articulate our needs - the breath also correlates to the voice.
Very often we have to go away from something before we can return, in order to adapt a more healthy attitude.
In love and light,
Mystique
HI Joanne hunny, my god am i glad u wrote this post. One of the major behaviours that has taken over my life since i was what i can remember to be 12 years old. I can remember back in school both primary adn secondary loving sports, like aideen my mum and dad had us playing something different every day, it was what i loved and it was honestly what i was GOOD at. My sisters were into drama and singing and were so intelligent, howevere, my niche, my talents were in sport.
As the condition grabbed me, i lost the LOVE and FREEDOM i got from team and individual sports like hockey, tennis, athletics and it became a way of losing weight, toning up, a method of control. Since then i have found it extremely challenging to change the mindset of why i would move my body..i would calculate every second i did, even if a walk to the shop.
I have to be honest here, i have been trying to recover in diff recovery programmes for a good few years, but exercise is something i refused to let go of. The marino has helped me so much, i do believe im in the final stages but the exercise or movement as Marie calls it is what i think has me stuck every time, in that i KNOW i realise NOW that its the final hurdle, and its only now that i am CHOOSING to work on it..it has been suggested upteen times but i have not listened..
The ailments left from ED now are as such that i really have no choice and i am so tired of ed and its games. For so long i pretended to myself i was doing something that i do know deep down for me is condition, but i realise that until i give it up then my real true love and reason for doing it will not return.
So i have started to let it go, its gone for yesterday, its gone today and thats all i can do work on it day at a time, come into a session adn vow until the next session i wont do it, its nothing like the pastl, its much more subtle and def no gym or anything but i know myself deep downj its still condition..this is very very hard for me to admit but its also necessary, i am spending all the money, effort, time and more im portantly my health and its a waste unless i really face up to what im afraid to let go of..im also afraid to just be with me, to not do certain things as i feel then i am not enough.
Im in awe of ur post hun its exactly what i needed to hear, to think that it could come back a love for movement for the right reasons, not the shuds that feel sooo engrained in me now it just seems impossible to me that it will ever change, BUT i believe in u and i believe u when u say it, i believe and trust in recovery and however difficult this feels right now i know ill get into bed proud of fighting against condition,
Love Cara xx
Dear cara
I empathise completely I have grown up with sport I was on the Irish athletic team cork camogie and hockey team swam every morn.
I loved it I lived it all our family celebrating are centred around treks mountain hikes etc!
Dad is doctor to Irish team Fi still on Irish team
Ed stole it I calculated I hated it it was all I did I wouldn't stop years into recovery I wud not I justified it
I was doing it all cuz I wad eating and I was gaining that's enough right!!!
But I too came to the realisation if I am compelled to move it's not normal if I feel anxious at my inactivity it's not normal. So I stopped EVErything all stretches yoga pilates walking everything since last may
Nothing happened I have ni idea ehen or what I'll take back up or if I will all if my family still are mad Exercisers they love it ny did calls me lazy I laugh cuz im free If it's meant to cone back and it feels good I'll go for it bit it actually scares me a bit cuz it hurt me so much so I'm not ready to go back in it's own good time for now I execuse my mind everyday with positive thoughts and I nourish my bOdy and that's enough I eat lik a horse lik seriously and I never gain I eat every 2 hours everything and anything currently eating Lindt dark choc and ivecream cuz that time if the mont!!! While waiting for my dinner hehe I love my body with or without exercise! Without exercise I am refuelling rebuilding it! I think my years of exercise have clocked up enough to let me do nothing for awhile
Hope this helps xxxx
I think this is a great example of how the condition works. it takes what you love and turns it on you, it uses everything self-destructively.
I think it does the same with lots of things; relationships, friendships, talents, jobs, food, intimacy, time alone.... it is a condition of being out of balance, and a condition where there is a loss of self and lack of self love - & so the love drains from everything & what could be more destructive than to turn something you really love and enjoy into something dark and self-destructive
I also used to love sports & it was mostly team sports that I love - some craic, it was great, some of the best times of my life were running on relay teams, playing tennis all Summer, swimming every Monday and every weekend end, cycling trips, canoing,love basketball and I remember at one point kind of instictively withdrawing from them all because I know it was going in a different direction & the behaviours I had were bad enough without adding more
But it's great to point out that when you are free and the total disregard for self that's typical of the condition has been replaced with self-love, your relationships with things change and they can become full of joy, they can feel free and you can love things you used to love again
Very enlightening
oh joanne i had mixed feelings when i read this first i was so glad that you posted and that you found that freedom with excercise. and then another part of me that didnt want to read it as i struggle with the thoughts. i have a lot of guilt and shame and feeling not good enough and panic when i dont. i used to kid myself when i started recovery that cause i left the gym and only did very little far less estreme it was helpin me now i see that that choice has always dictated what i did and didnt do in recovery and i regret it. like cara said since i have beeen challenging this behaviour i ahve noticed and maybe this is why this post got me that i find myself using the walk from the bus or to the shop as a chance to move. and i only am seeing this. i never had that thing with sports trhat love but i did have that drive to be good at it and perfect and all or nothing approach that i see now as ed not as me not been good enough. but i would like to have a healthy relationship with excercis eto hear talk of it to see others and not feel pulled back a million steps. but i fight it evryday and if i do slip i can see ti as a slip just one day. im beginning to see that when i do give in i dont feel good and maybe thats as i have been lookin at and reachin for new values and they appeal ore to me. like i still have ed values but i also know i want more than those values that i deserve better i want to deserve better. and i guess its just day to day minute by minute.... i developed a connection with excercise that i thought calmed me and its defo a challenge to go against it but readin this and seein where you are now is giving me hope and tonight when things are not as i would like helped me realise and stand by my choice i do not have to or want to give in and i haven and i wont.
i have overcome challenges before i have quit the gym which i never thought i could so i know that one day excercise whether actual or thoughts about it wont have any power over me and thats worth the discomfort and fighting....
thanks hun and to everyone you have all heloed me tonight when im particularly strugglin with this. its very much apprechaited. xxx
ok 4th time is a charm i my posts keep like deleting half of the middle very random
cara and dora i can totally relate i went from gym running training toning to "just walking" just stretching... but it became another obsession too and ir ealised my motivations were still wrong i wud calculate count how many times to and from college/ bus stop out house/ shop anything veen 100 metres and id want to do more or the am ethe next day moving standing pacing bla bla bla and this was all when iw as eating "recovering
but i began to see it was another symptom another symptom that was controlling me cutting me off when i was calculating or counting or mo itoring my intake with output i was STILL CUT OFF FROM REALITY i was in my head on a calculator monitoring my existence based on how much id did i thought i was great i was eating gainign getting to a better weight but i wasnt free
so for me i used the analogy of the flu i began to c people with ed experience a desperate need to move to burn to calculate every1 who posted on this thread has so..... THIS IS CONDITION NOT ME THIS IS CONDITION THIS DESPERATE NEED TO MOVE AND THE IRRATIONAL FEAR OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DONT IS NOT ME..
if i had swine flu i wudnt say hey fdoc i dont want the snotty nose but ill keep the ache in my bones and the fatigue NO FING WAY I WUD WANT THE VIRUS to be annihilated gone from my system so it couldnt lay dormant perculating waiting to raise its nasty head again i wanted all symtoms gone what ever the consequence and as i said there were no consequences i am still perfectly "in shape" eat really well and i dont feel compelled to move its ok to LET IT GO to TRUST
i find bothe letting go and trust the most infuriating self help tools it sounds so simple but its onllt the hardest thing in the world to do
but thats all i can say trust me trust ur body u r safe u are more than capable of letting the last bits of the "virus demon go " its just a question of will u u can but will u xxxx
My talents were always consumed with things like Theatre, (5 hour days, 5 days a week and 12 hour days on weekend, plus more closer to the show opening, plus going to school all day) and I guess I could have been considered intelligent, as I was doing university courses in High School. I never had time or a like for sports. I used to walk every day to and from school (and later to bars and all around the city of Toronto), but I was never really active.
And then one day I got up off the couch and went for a jogg, and I started lifting weights. I truly do love weightlifting and jogging, and yet when EDie came along, I gave up both for more strenuous activities like running and ellipticals and stair machines. I even convinced myself that I wanted to run a marathon - which I still do, but I understand now that running huge distances every day, and then coming home to pilates, yoga and kick-boxing is a lot too much. I also work long hours on my feet running up and down stairs...
I haven't been able to give up exercise for long periods of time, because all at once the terrifying pressures of eating normally and quitting exercise seem to make me have anxiety and trigger fits of binge eating. And then later calorie restriction.
I am sitting here struggling with every single pound I see going up on the scale - much higher than I would ever like to be - and yet this entire time I have been running, walking, and climbing on every high-burning cardio machine. I have been eating much more normally with my three designated meals a day and yet, I simply cannot take a day off of exercise without feeling wrought with guilt.
For most people, my walk to and from work each day would be more than enough. But it's never enough for EDie.
I am glad that you posted this, because even though I wasn't a sports all-star in my earlier years, I really am passionate about lifting weights and jogging. And I can only hope that one day I can comfortable return to them without thinking - obsessing - over the caloric burn, or distance traveled.
HI everyone i really enjoyed reading all the posts and its very similir to what im going through.ijust want to ask a question : IS WHAT ALL YEE ARE SAYING IS TO GIVE UP EXCIRCISING because i try again and again to give it up but when i dont do it . Its all that is going on in my head and i cant focus on anything else,its really confusing !
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