realistions from lanzarote

lanzorte to me felt like my first time away, i have traveled Europe numerous times,
America on several occasions, australia,
asia, lived in edinburgh, new york, london,
but going to lanzorte felt like my first time away,
i could not understand why my mum was so eager for me to go, how she felt i would learn so much, i really just felt like i was going on holidays and felt also guilty that some one was paying for me to go away, why were they not going instead?

what i found when i got there was not what i expected, it crippled me to think that i am in a beautiful place and i can not see the beauty that i was so scared of my own company that i would sacrifice self care when needing to rest to do what ever was going on jsut incase i had to think.that i found it so difficult to stick to my food routine and could feel myself wanting to revert to behaviors. it scared the living day lights out of me. my inability to sit still and relax and my over active imagination and mind running wild on me.

but for the first time ever i admitted to myself this is not normal that this is not life that maybe this is a problem this is existing. i could sense my anxiety and stress levals rocketing through the sky and my mind becoming contaminated with negative and distorted thoughts. i felt like an open wound so raw that everything and anything would cause me to bleed and then like i was trying to numb myself even more again, my disconection with my body was so real to me.how exhausted i was and that my body was not able for much. all of this really scared me horrified me. that i found it so difficult to answer a simple question as to who am i?

but then i tried to look at it in a positive light, to see that i was now taking it seriously that i was now realising that maybe it is ok to open up, that i need not to be scared that therapists, care workers, friends, family etc or going to judge me because of what i am thinking, i no that many of my thoughts are disotorted, but at least i now have awarness of that, even if they are still there.

i now no how beneficial it would be for me to slow down, to allow myself start using my senses, and allow myself to cry, to feel, touch, see, hear, taste, breath. i could see myself congratulating myself for not feeling for trying to block people out again. but i could catch myself doing it. when i was shown the sea, the waves, the mountain, palm trees, plants and shown how to look at them, i began to see the beauty.

i had one amazing moment, swimming with a fantastic person, i forgot everything for five minutes, just felt the freedom of being in the water and i thought this is freedom and i have found something i enjoy. no condition just me that water and great company.

i laughted for the first time in agaes and felt so light headed from it i thought i was going to pass out. i learned from my amazing sister so much, she was such an inspiration to me, such an amazing person, and i felt so happy and proud of her, in every way, she helped me so much.

although many of my realizations did not seem positive,
it was a positive thing to have them,
i can travel the whole world but without recovery the condition will always come with me it will alway be lurking in my shadow and i want it gone,
and no matter how scary recovery is going back is a million times more,
i have given myself a small goal, something to look forward to,
the next time i go to lanzorte i will go scuba diving,
all the small steps with eventually make the big ones,
i just need to keep beliving.

and it will happen.

xxx