The Purpose of Nutritional Drinks….

I have to say I never understood what I needed these or to eat every three hours even after a lot of nutritional sessions and I believed the ED when they said they where the reason I felt bad, guilty, that they where for weight gain, extra calories I did not need, that ill wake up the shape of ensure bottle, covered in feathers from eating eggs and turn into a loaf of bread as a result of carbs (its funny now but I swear I was convinced, but now I can think straight how on earth did I believe this and how did I think I had convinced the experts of such??) blah blah blah such a load of crap! Seriously, after work today I had a session and at the end we somehow got talking about them and I was like oh that why I need them…. I never knew that the ED even had me believe it was a form of punishment for being a bad person.

People telling me I just have to have them has never helped and has fuelled my not wanting them if that makes sense. And lying to my nutritionist was not smart, does it make a difference to her if I work at recovery not really she still gets paid, but in the long run all the lies did was cause me more pain, more hills to climb, more long term side effects, a weaker body, a more unstable unsafe mind, a stronger ED and a longer journey to freedom, more dreams put on hold, and you know what the times I walked out so proud to have fooled her - the whole time she saw right through my lies, more fool me!. But she stuck by me and still helps me so when I doubt her or whether I can trust her I think she never gave up on me, she saw ME despite all the ED that pushed to the forefront so I can and I will.

But then today another amazing woman who I am sooooooo thankful for explaining to me the purpose of nutritional supplement drinks after a nice bit of relaxation and her super negative energy and stress removing power (ha!) took time to explain it to me. And here is why we need them as I understand it now.

They are not to replace meals with and use to avoid having to face real food and meals rather a stepping-stone and to be used along side it and for fragile tummies and bodies and minds. As for the the three meals a day are for energy. Bodies are made to use food to fuel the heart, muscles, brain, cells, organs, skin, hair, nails, bones, to wiggle our finger and toes etc… and give us energy to get through the day, to laugh and smile, and sing and dance and work and get up and get to work. Most bodies don’t have to repair a load of damage so they use the food to do normal body things. But with all that little is left for damage control and repair. The ensures and fortisps are for that REPAIR and to help us get the energy needed to do that so we wont be overwhelmed and so our body gets the ultimate form of vitamins and nutrients to do so while getting us used to nourishing ourselves again. They are a medicine to be used in combination with regular meals. I still have huge guilt for both but they are a medicine and I take meds for other things so why deprive my body or feel guilty for something that is healing and repairing the damage ED did. I would not stop taking my inhalers or other things or feel guilty for using them, why should these be any different???… Yes Ciara that’s the attitude let ED feck off with his illogical nonsense. The sooner you start nourishing yourself and really committing the sooner you will have freedom around food, and the sooner you wont need nutritional supplements. The pain I feel everywhere, that I never knew existed is where the drinks and fuel are going to, to heal that so I feel better.

My head is more around why I need them now its time my head and heart accepted this is the way it will be from now. But thankfully the confusion is gone and I have a clear idea why I need them for today. They don’t prescribe them out of something to do cause they are bored, neither do they do it to be evil, or for the craic of it. And to my shock today I found out my body even after increasing my intake is still not repairing, or improving and is very tired and weak that’s why we need them and Eds protests and gross over exaggerations of how ‘healthy’ we are is so off. I feel unhealthier as I feel less numb, I feel all the things the doctor told me I had but I never believed him. I used to think that’s not me he cant be talking about me, wrong bloods mate but what do you know he might be right maybe that degree he has is actually real after all hahaha .But Pain however uncomfortable is a blessing in disguise, it makes me feel alive and reminds me of why I hate the ED and what I am fighting for. It does make you more determined and helps in the fight with you head and your heart as you have something to focus on a reason to do it, it’s a logical argument back to the ED i.e. ‘ED: don’t have that it will do xyz to you, you will gain weight, lose control and all the dedication you worked hard at… ME:NO I will have it my knees are sore it will make them feel better or give me some much needed energy or help me concentrate in work and my bones need it I hate them cracking or god forbid breaking I would like healthy bones that can support my body and hold my organs safely and protect them etc and control you will lose your control as I take control of my life back and dedicate my life to something real to real values and fuelling my dreams and body’. I find that helps me and today definitely cleared some things up for me; maybe it might help some of you.

So here’s to a glass or bottle of nutritious Ensure or Fortisps … Cheers everyone hehehehe I think for me its time I laugh at these that’s a solution to the tears. After all have you ever tried to cry and laugh at the same time or frown and smile at the same time - you can’t do both. And laughing has less cleaning up to do so I take that over tears any day.

Did you know I meant this to be a few lines, even online you cant shut me up hehe

Xxx Ciara xxx