partner issues
Hi There
I've been having difficulty with my partner in recent months and I must admit get confused at to what condition contamination in the relationship and whats just personality issues that would be there anyway, or maybe it doesn't matter. What matters is how I deal with them and whether I use condition as my way of coping or a more healthy approach. The difficulty arises though, as I chose to not use behaviours as much and am thinking more clearly, I feel more vulnerable in my relationship, more easily hurt , more sensitive, more emotional, all very very unfamiliar and scary feelings. And not just for me, the effect transfers onto my partner also. He was used to an emotionally stunted individual, who was either pleasant and smiling as stoned out of her head with behaviours, or edgy and irritable , again due to behaviours and not alot else. Oh and throw in a bit of people pleasing, martyrdom and overconcern with others issues.
Now I've moved a bit away from behaviours, I'm confused about what I want in relationships, what I want in life, I feel guilty then for the havok all this causes those around me. They say they feel they're wrong no matter what they do. My fault, not really if you dissect it down but that doesn't stop me feeling guilty and responsible , which is a behaviour in some ways, taking on responsibilty for others emotional wellbeing. Those around me need to grow and learn and will benefit from this, not everyone wants to learn though, not everyone has to as their life does not depend on learning the recovery language. This is where the problem arises, resistance to change. All I can do is trust that I'm doing the right thing and that life will support me what ever way things turn out. It's hard to trust in the unknown, its hard when loved ones are bewildered and resistant to moving along with me. I can only push on and trust that the penny will drop for them too.
kiz
Hi Kizzy, it sounds like ur having a tough time alright. First of all huge credit moving away from behaviours, this in itself without having everything else to deal with is a massive step in itself so well done. Yes feelings will now come up, not that we are totally different people once recovering but more i think we get to know ourselves a bit more, in essence we have feelings, we have an opinion. I think its important for our loved ones to be involved, my family were not really and its different as i could live away from them, the family home, and then i had boyfriends at different stages of my condition. My partner now i have met in the final stages so it was not so important to involve him, kore important ws me to work on me and the recovered me, my self development.
However, I wonder would your partner come to sat group, or for a one to one or if doesnt want to travel up, would he read the hope book or have a skype session, sounds like he needs to do a bit of work on himself and have more education on ed and on the stages of recovery?? Its very difficult for u, but keep doing what your doing, keep working on you, only by inprovijng you own self worth and esteem does this filter also in positive ways to others. All u can do is trust and trust that the answers will come no matter what they are, and u will be ok
Love butterfly xx
I definitely agree with butterfly about skype or group or a one to one.
Ok let me just say that I was living at home with my parents when I started recovery. They really were unable to understand the condition or recovery. The negative, distorted, malnourished mind made my life a living hell and I palpably remember thinking I'll move out and never ever speak to these so and so's again. My feelings vacillated between rage at them, shame for having being like that, self hate for going looking for 'sympathy, attention, compassion' in the first place. It was this constant back and forth between lambasting myself for causing apparent dis-ease and mayhem and then hating my poor parents. Just non stop back and forth, distraction and procrastination ploys because I really didn't think I 'deserved' recovery. This back and forth. Back and forth. On two or three occasions I had to take the lead and sit down with my parents at night and say 'we need to talk.' The youngest in the family who usually was the baby had to approach two adults to address something serious. I was so used to being the baby and the victim that even the thought of bringing up the conversation was alien to me. I wasn't the oldest!!!!! I'm sick!!!! They're the parents!!! They need to come out of denial!!!!! I was terrified of what they might say - I honestly thought they'd reject, disapprove of and ban me from my recovery.
Detach.
This is yourrrrrrrrrrr life. Your hands. Your minute, your hour, your time. Your breath. Your LIFE.
My parents changed so much in their own way and we are so close now and after so many years I feel love for them. But I remember vividly one night going to bed committing to myself that I would have to stop focusing on my mother. Her manner. Her behaviour. Things started to improve immediately.
All I can say is: take your place, seize your power and initiate a conversation, you have a brilliant centre that will give you everything you need to recover, you are committed so therefore when you keep at it you will fully recover. Things will improve greatly. But don't for one more second let guilt postpone your recovery.
A partner, relative or friend of a person recovering from ed finds it really difficult to approach the subject - will it upset them, will it annoy them, will they think I'm prying and yet there is so much they want to know. Wanting to help, love and understand a person is one of out most basic instincts so maybe approach him to let him help you. He may really want to unserstand and once you open it up can you imagine how much easier recovery will be where you can talk and explain and he can understand you?
Honestly use this as an opportunity it really really will get better xxx
Dear Kiz,
Recovery has its own challenges when you are in a relationship / marriage.
The relationship started while you were still fully conditioned, and now that you are thawing the iceberg you are rediscovering more and more of the important and wonderful ingredients of your own personality.
At the moment you say you are choosing not to numb yourself anymore, therefore you are feeling more vulnerable in your relationship, more easily hurt, more sensitive, more emotional...it is very unfamiliar and scary. I remember that time so well... It was scary for myself, and scary for my partner...she didn't have a clue what to do with me, how to deal with me, I was just so incredibly sensitive and vulnerable.
I didn't have a clue what to do with myself either, the whole stage was rather confusing and scary. I remember M repeating to me: R, this will pass, it will get better... and I thought, but I am not numbing any more, I am feeling, I am sensing, I am standing here without my thick protective numbing condition-layer...is that what life will be about when I'm recovered?
I had discussions and arguments with my partner...and I kept saying in my sessions that I probably would recover much easier if I wasn't in a relationship, because my partner is keeping me stuck, because I can't behave recovered at home, because the climate at home is just full of tension, because nobody knows how to react where and why anymore, because my partner didn't seem to understand recovery despite having been to the centre, despite having had one-to-ones with M, despite us having had partner sessions, despite her having read Hope and loads of other books....
I was confused about myself and life, disappointed with my relationship, I was full of regrets and thinking about how life would have been so much different without the condition, and how differently I would have lived and that I probably never would have met my partner and that I wouldn't be stuck here now but probably having the best craic somewhere else on this planet...
I think I really started resenting my partner for being my partner and making everything more difficult...
A lot of blaming and reacting and looking at shoulds and what ifs and...in the end this is really all condition language...
(cont'd...)
(...)
the advice I got from my therapist was:
* do not decide anything with regards to your relationship until you are FULLY RECOVERED. You are not in balance yet, your hormones are all over the place, you can not guarantee to make a balanced decision in this state.
* do not focus on your regrets NOW...once you are stable and fully recovered, then you can work on that...and there will be regrets, you have lived a long time with the condition, there will always be regrets...but focusing on them now will sabotage your recovery and keep you stuck. there is a time for that, later on.
* learn NOT TO REACT... any situation in the home that baffles you, hits you, confuses you, hurts you... stop, stand still, count slowly to ten, take slow and deep breaths, maybe even go outside for a moment...but DO NOT REACT... neither in hurting yourself (to spite your partner and then say "see what you made me do? you hurt me, so I had to self-destruct even more") nor in hurting you partner. This does not mean to swallow things down or brush under the carpet, but it means act constructively, don't react without thinking, spontaneously, like a flash.
and the most important:
* you are working on YOUR recovery, you are not working on your partners recovery. This is about YOU, not your partner, YOU can get YOURSELF better, not manipulate your partner. This game is over where you try to change others. You can walk the talk and show how recovery works for you. Slowly but surely it will rub off and you, living your life fully and healthy, will lead by example. You have to BE the change you want to see in the world. You can change yourself, you can't change him.
At the moment you feel very vulnerable, because not numbing yourself is new to you, your sensitivity is showing more and more and this is confusing, hurtful and scary at times....but it is also fascinating, enriching, enlightening as well.
Focus on how to deal with your sensitivity, search for old posts about that here, I know there are a few really wonderful ones.
Focus on your recovery...
You can not recover your partner, but you can show him that it actually works....
Hope this helps a bit...
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
Hi all,
well seems like lots of good ideas here .. I would just add doing the simple and fun things together was something I found helpful and to do that despite all the things that were unresolved in myself and in my relationship.. Even just watching tv together - a comedy where we both laughed ... or letting myself be introduced to something new that he was interested in. (for that reason, i once found myself at a car racing thing - waking up to the sweet sound of engines backfiring!!!- well in fairness, I am glad i went - was an experience I will never forget and one which i would NEVER have undertaken according to my own interests!!) And then there's a good bit of just hanging in there and as you say, trusting life and the future. Trust love and your relationship. Know that you are both more than your words and actions.....so definitely magnifying the positive helps.
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Thanks alot guys, very reassuring.
kiz