For Parents: what helps/what doesn’t help re food

In my experience this is something I have found to be a huge challenge and fear in recovery. IT’S NOT ABOUT FOOD. It’s taken a long time to see this and to begin to believe this. Yes we need to learn to eat again, we need nutritionists and plans with choices or options to guide us in this process but it’s ultimately not about our intake. It’s about fears, issues we never dealt with or are dealing with. It’s about not feeling good enough, unlovable, undeserving of love, food, happiness, and life. It’s a drive to control and perfect our bodies in order to feel in control in a world we feel completely lost in. its about longing to see a reflection we like to just feel good enough, to numb out any pain or the hate we feel for who we are. In other words behind the food obsession and avoidance is deep emotional turmoil and despair, an aching loneliness and longing to fit in.

At this pint of my journey I have finally started to trust the advise I have been given, the people guiding me and dealing with the emotional side, the fears, the thoughts behind the actions. While on the outside ill quote ‘’im eating a lot more than I was before we left’, ‘its great how balanced it all is’, ‘I think its great for you even if you don’t’, ‘how do you feel about it all, how are you managing it all?’’ I have never been more scared in my life. Its difficult for non ed people or parents to understand the deep fear, guilt and shame we gain of nourishing our bodies, of eating with people, of accepting that people don’t judge us for each morsel of food we put in our mouth, of stopping trying to control our bodies and to remain or gain a healthy weight. We feel as if we are giving in, the retaliation of Ed is harsh, sometimes enough to reduce us to tears.

So what I have found helpful is to not comment on food or any improvements however relieved excited or pleased you are. It doesn’t help in fact I feel it does more harm. Would you congratulate your ‘normal’ son or daughter for eating more? No, at lest not in my household. Im sitting here with comments floating around my mind terrified to go and make the dinner my body needs, and to enter the kitchen. I like to believe I wont be judged and that I wont be watched, that I can eat and feel safe that I am me not my ed or my intake. We have therapists to help us emotionally and nutritionists to guide us with what our bodies need and to support us through this. Please just be my mother. The best way you can help is leave food and what enough up to them. And just be you. It takes great strength and determination to challenge behaviours and in this fragile time it is very easy to slip back and worry about making progress and be scared back to old habits where we felt safe and invisible.

There are other ways to communicate with us, tell us about work, holidays, car problems, watch a movie… whatever, but never comment on food. Don’t feed the ed. don’t let it take the good times away or change a good day to a bad day.

Im not writing this to complain or attack but rather to teach. No one is perfect no one can say the right thing all the time but there are things that can help or hinder recovery and for me it is this.