no regrets just learnings

Morning all :)

Ok so initially this post may seem a wee bit on the negative BUT i promise it's not!! I was having a chat with my mum about how much my life has changed since starting recovery. While in the condition my life was so automatic. For me the best way to describe it is "Groudhog Day", where every minute of every day for years was a repeat of the same routine, following the same rules, thinking the same distorted thoughts. I have no regrets about these years, at times I do feel a little sad for all the fun and adventure that I missed out on. But I am using this as motivation for the future! So I made a list of all the holidays, events, occasions etc. that the condition took away from me:

- enjoying my debs
- freedom and fun at my 21st
- enjoying my graduation
- attending my mum's retirement party
- remembering my brother's 21st
- experiencing holidays with friends
- experiencing New York, New Orleans, Rome...I was there in body but not in mind or soul
- going to concerts and festivals
- enjoying christmas
- nights ot with friends
- watching a film with my family
- days out with my mum - she love's to hop in the car and go for a spin!!
- visting my friends who were in different colleges
- celebrating family and friends birthdays....wow the excuses I could come up with!!
- really embracing college life
- sitting for dinner with my family
- being a big sister
- being a daughter

This list could go on a lot more, and I am sure it is different for everyone! This list serves as a reminder that the condition really is not acting in my best interests. Unless becoming a numb, lonlely recluse is what I desire....NO NO NO. L mentioned on a post that we are only sure of two things....that we are born, and that we will die, the rest is up to us! And Leah also wrote a super inspiring post about going surfing, and trying out new things. So now I am also recreating MY life, trying new things...

- I am starting Yoga tomorrow :) very excited
- I have enrolled for an aromatherapy and massage night class
- I am going to see all my fav comedians...last wk I saw Neil Delamare and Tom Binns, this week it's Dara O'Brien at Vicar st!!
- I ring my family and chat to them
- I go for a stroll with friends, and listen to what's going on in their life
- I go to the cinema, musicals (by the way FAME at the grand canal theatre is great!!) with friends....I am learning to reconnect wth people and the world
- I go shopping with my mum
- I stop to smell the wonderful yellow Roses at Avoca
- I am going to Lanzarote :) :) :) :) :)
- I have breakfast in my P.J's...there is no rush anymore to get to the gym.... WHAT A RELIEF

Honestly, it is not easy all the time. There are a lot of times when the condition plays it's mind games, and I start to panic that things will go wrong. This is when I considering backing out and staying in....BUT then I am backing away from life, I am returning to that black bubble with just me and the condition. I have learned from before that when I go out, the worst DOES NOT happen. Instead I smile, chat, engage, make eye contact, communicate, use facial expression, verbalise my thoughts, listen to others, I react to others, I process the world around me. I become part of society in my own unique way! :)

So today I'm looking forward to a simple day at home. The sun is shining, we have the Sunday Newspaper. For the moment I can honestly say that I feel relaxed.

Erika x x x