New plan of action.

Right, yesterday was fine. Over the last few years, christmas Day has taken on a pattern that i'm alright with (for a few years there, family circumstances were in a state of flux, and each year Christmas Day was spent differently, and the return to (a new) sameness is welcome). I enjoyed the company of siblings and cousins, and my beautiful nephew and nniece came over later in the day to share their gorgeous joy with us, like only children can do.

Fine.

Only that I don't feel absolutely fine about it really.

I feel like I wasted another opportunity to have a fully free Christmas Day. I could see myself makeing 'safe' choices "to keep my mind quiet" as the day went by, opting out of chances to blow the top off ED rules the way Christmas Day allows one to, like no other day. By eleven o'clock last night, I was cross with myself. Like I said, the day had been grand, but it had still been monitored; 'controlled' to a certain degree; the condition had still owned a chunk of it that I no longer want to allow it to own.

And in the heel of the hunt...I ended up feeling that I'd deprived myself. Now, this was a new feeling. Other years, I've felt relief, disappointment, anger, fear, frustration, pride, shame, and any mixture of the above, at the end of Christmas Day.
But not deprivation.
This was new.
And unpleasant.
And it made me quite sad.

BUT...today is another day. I've said it before and i'm saying it again: Christmas day is just one more day, among many, and today holds as much potential to challenge and beat the regulations of the condition as yesterday did. It may even have more potential, because the 'pressure of Christmas' is less.

There was something in particular I wanted to do yesterday that I didn't. It was a small gesture of defiance against ED and each time i thought, "now I'll have that", I went and had something 'better for me'.

I promise myself I'm going to have that thing today.
I'm going to sit with the glass in my hand, like the independent adult I am and no one but me will know that I am a winner because of it.

I don't care how silly and trivial it seems. I need to do this small thing.

I want to sit and smile in the knowledge that I KNOW FREEDOM.

I am the master of my thoughtd.
I AM FREE.

Happy St. Stephen's Day (I've decided to temporarily appoint him the patron saint of free thought today; cheeky, but helpful for me, so I hope no one will mind:))
Michelle xxx