my dog

I wanted to write a post about my dog for a long time but for some reason be it fear or poor concentration I havent gotten around to it till now. My dog Roxy has been a big part of my recovery. But it wasnt always the case.

I got my beautiful little dog nearly two years ago and it was too much for me to handle. I felt like the worst dog owner in the world. I felt like such a bad person for not playing with her everytime she wanted to play, which is all the time when she was a puppy. I felt like a bad person for letting her cry at night for a few weeks when I first got her. I was an awful person for leaving her for even a few minutes. I had already felt trapped and isolated in my house due to Ed now my dog made me feel this way even more. I began to resent her and this also made me feel like an evil person. I had no energy for her and she got in the way of behaviours.

After a year or so she had to go live with my parents. Things were bad for me and a cute little puppy was more than I could cope with. She was everything I felt I wasnt. She was loving, playful, cute, had bundles of energy and was so so happy. So she had to go. I couldnt connect with any of this. I'd hear people talk about their dogs in group and again I felt god i'm a horrible person for not loving my dog like they do. It really really upset me that I couldnt feel this way about her.

But fast forward a bit and things began to change. Like my little dog I too had to go live with my parents. So there was no escaping Roxy yet she could get the love and attention she needed from the rest of my family so I didnt feel as bad. Slowly and I mean very very slowly I began to connect with her. It started off with her sitting on my lap and the feel of her soft fur would calm me. On days which were very bad she'd just sit beside me and every now and then lick my hand as if to say 'hey its ok, things will be ok'. Other than at the end of sessions hugs fronm her were the onlyones I'd get and its still this way. When I felt bad I could always hug her. and even today I really needed a hug and she was there. I know this might sound crazy but I can now talk to her about anything and she always listens. She looks at me with her big brown eyes and just listens. No judgements, no advice , just listens. She makes me laugh when she does funny things such as chasing her tail or throwing her toys in the air or falling off the sofa. She brings light into my dark world and most importantly she loves me unconditionally.

So I mainly wrote this post for people who are struggling to connect with their dogs or cats or whatever their pet. Dont feel bad that you can't connect or love them yet. They will still love you. Dont feel like your a horrible person for not playing with them, they wont judge you. They'll just be happy when the time comes that you can play with them. This has thought me that things do change, I am moving forward in my recovery. I never ever in a million years thought i'd feel this way about my lovely Roxy but I do. So if this can change in my life then other things I think will never change can and they will.

Love Aideen xxx

Ps here's a pic of Roxy