My Christmas
Yesterday, my mum kept busy with the Christmas dinner and was allowing people to help, which is something she has never done before. Other years she would give out no one was helping, and the second someone would try to help she would me kicking us out of the kitchen. I am glad she is starting to slowly, allow us to help in whatever small way we can.
My niece was a real tonic on the day, and she delightedly told me Santa didn't come to me as I was too old, lol. It was good to have my niece with us this year - she proved to be a good distraction from my mum's illness. It is very hard to feel sad around toddlers, as they are full of so much energy.
Later in the day, I was telling mum more about my recent holiday to Peru and the freedom I felt on that holiday and how I loved being in nature, and how it was the best holiday I'd ever been on, despite the altitude. At one point during the day mum got emotional as a song came on the tv - she is finding music really difficult to listen to at the moment as it triggers memories. This particular song was one which wad performed at their wedding. She asked Dad to go in and listen to it & he also shed some tears. All I wanted to do was go and give my mum a hug, but Dad asked me to leave her in peace. What I am noticing since being home these past few days us how protective dad has become in relation to mum.
As difficult as mum's illness is, there is so much to be learned from it. I am seeing sides to both my parents which I had never been privy to before.
LnL
Mystique
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Following Christmas, I came back to Dublin for a couple of day's head space. I want to be with my mum as much as possible, yet also need to do what is right for me at the same same. I met up with a friend, and felt a bit annoyed with her presumption when I told her about mum's illness - she said 'it's not like she is going to die from it, it's not like it's Cancer'. I explained to her that it is a terminal illness, and how for me it is worse than Cancer in that there are no treatments available other than pain management as the illness progresses. She seemed to turn the situation around to being about her mum. I still had a good time with her, and I think it is her own discomfort around such scenarios.
After a couple of days in Dublin I headed back down to my parents, and met up with a friend on one of the days for lunch, and also did some retail therapy as well as spending time at home. It was good to meet up with my friend, and even though I talked about mum's illness, we also talked about everyday things too. She telling me about her daughter etc.
It has been hard to see mum struggle with some mundane tasks. As soon as I was in the door she had me cleaning out things I no longer wanted from my old room. I always clear more out when I head home, but there seems to be an anxiety with mum at the moment to try and clear things out while she still can do things like this. I came across my old Confirmation book, and shared some things that I had written in that with her, although not all, as there were some private things written in there too. I think it was good to show mum some of this, as the emotions etc were written with a child's innocence to a certain extent.
I am now heading to a friend's house, tonight for a music and poetry night with people I know from a dance class, and am sure this is the right tonic I need after the last couple of weeks.
In love and light
Mystique