mismatched views

The more I work on recovery, with each layer, stuff gets thrown up. For me I try to keep going back to what Marie says, where's the learning, every situation is an opportunity to learn something about myself and how I think, how I interact and I am in the world.
The problem arises though when family members aren't looking at things the same way. They have been used to condition running the show, and as I start to step back more and slow down my reactions and often responding quite differently to before, it can often cause alot of upset.
I had a recent argument with someone and my view was totally at odds with the other family member. Old me would have either fought, to the death almost, to have my view accepted, followed by severe and punishing behaviours for God knows how long to purge away the guilt and self revulsion. Or else immediate back down, accepting their view , people pleasing stuff, once again followed by self torture and behaviours due to resentment. All this totally subconscious, I would be immersed in behaviours and have no idea why.
Now I'm trying to slow it down, have my view, be happy with my view, hear the other party, but try hard to stay with my view without having to win any battle, just reflect on it, reflect on the other persons perspective and decide what I really believe myself.
Sounds easy, but trust me it's far from it. It fills me with alot of emotions, unfamiliar uncomfortable emotions, that I don't know what to do with. But harder still, is that those around me are unfamiliar with this pattern in me, they are used to the old interactions and so they are de-railed and upset too. Why am I not pushing my view as hard or why am I not being submerged in theirs. So there's the added discomfort for the family, not knowing how to deal with new responses and subsequently I have to sit with watching their unease and resist jumping in there.
All very convoluted I know, but thats whats happening. And the old familiar fat feeling creaps over me and I want to run back to old ways. Is this really a better way, it doesn't much feel like it right now, I feel like I'm causing distress for others, I was used to hacking away at myself, I could handle that, how can I justify the ripple effects of my changing responses, especially when I am clearly causing others upset and anger.
It goes back to trust for me, I trust Marie and this process, I trust that the end justifies the messiness in the middle. I cannot trust my own judgements really yet as so much conditioning still to be unravelled. I trust that I will get to a better place in time and that those around me will benefit. Is it brainwashing of sorts , maybe, positive brainwashing, there's alot of muck to be washed out of my thinking and those around me have been contaminated , even if they don't always see it,and they need support too.
Anyway I'm rambling. My point really is that this part of recovery is very hard on family members. Everything seems mixed up and a bit over analysed, nothing seems to be clear anymore. What do others think and what helps??
kiz