Making the best of a bad situation ......

So i dont like work or going in everyday or the people well most of them but there is one lovely girl and thankfully i sit near her..... the good in this situation is that eveyday i get to walk to work through the stephens green which i love. i can soak up the positiviy in nature and the free people who are always floating around there, smiling laughing, having fun. i get to see life - couples, people in love, old people sittin together, families, kids running around, people doing yoga in the morning sun, tourists all curious and out and about discovering in there silly tourist clothes ha..... then at lunch i get to sit in the other park across the street from the job. such a great distraction from the numbers and fears i have surrounding this time of day. its secluded and peaceful and so gorgeous. all you can hear is the water fall and the water crashing and splashing of the rocks and the birds and really ground myself and forget the crap in work using my senses and letting the atmosphere calm my stressed head , thank you yvonne thay are the key to getting out of my head somedays. im not gonna lie i do consider not going back in ha... then i get to repeat it all on the way home.... i might not like the job im in and dread going in but i have one advantage i have an escape from it. so everyday i can look forward to that and let the rest work itself out, whats the point of losing sleep and struggling with behaviours cause of a job. its one part of the picture of me not the most important but still neccesery. it pays the bills and is getting me to lanzarote. A job tells nothing about me to someone else. they dont know what i like or dislike(neither do i ironically) or what my favourite colour is or how i am sruggling inside with myself. so all his pressure for what????

living is very different to what i thought it would be its not like marino where everyone is lovely and friendly and encouraging, people are rude unhelpful sometimes nice sometimes mean. they rush around and you don get the reassurance you do in marino but i guess there is a lesson in this - to learn to give myself compassion and not rely on feeling good from others.

noone admires sickness or scars or behaviours i hear hem ripping the p*** ou of somee woman who appartantly has a very bad ed. they think its weird and she is weird, i have to act normal, i cant be he sick girl like i was in every other job. its nerve wrecking as i dont quite know who to be in there now or what to talk about, but i can learn.... and maybe it wont work ou and i might not get it or be enough but maybe its just not for me, only time will tell. fighting this has been tiring i have a more important fight to fight - wih ED! so maybe a more positive outlook will make this siuation slightly more bearable.... and anyway im not alone i have lots of people behind me to help me and guide me and advise me and to let me know it is ok to eat in front of and with people, to take the sting off and find ways to cope and to encourage me and fill me with hope that what i feel or think (still confused on that one) is completely normal and to remind me of the good in me and my abilty when i sruggle to see it in myself. credit to me for sticking this out, i mean the guy before me lasted a day!

Ciara xxxx