Little me

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Wed, 25/01/2012 - 00:07
lala
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So...

In Tuesday playground we spoke about all things children. Our inner children. The younger us. Us as tots. What we were like. Just looking back. Like flicking through a photo album.

But it's kinda made me feel very raw. Like someone pealed off a scab. And the scab wasn't ready to come off. And I wish I hadn't poked at my scab. I wish I'd left well enough alone.

And now I'm ruminating. And I'm trying to stop. I'm sad for little me.

Little me just wanted to be good. Good and kind and special and liked and well behaved. She wanted friends. She wanted to be part of the fun, but didn't know how and always felt too gross and undeserving of anything fun. I remember the first time I felt crap. We were saying prayers in fifth class. I decided I had a 'belly' that day. Looking back at photos- I did NOT have a belly. But burned into my memory is me looking down and saying OMGGGGG YOU ARE DISGUSTING.

My parents always joked when I brought home results from school.

"98% !?!... what happened to the other 2%?" (cue laughter). I wasn't laughing. I would walk away thinking OMG YOU SIMPLETON- they are right. Where is the other 2%. You are stupid. You are not enough. You are crap. You are dumb.

I am raw now. It hurts too much. I don't even know why I'm writing this.

But not sure how to re-scab myself up.

Thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanksssssss xxx

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Wed, 25/01/2012 - 01:19
#1
mystique
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Hi Lala, First of all,

Hi Lala,

First of all, sending a big cyper hug your way.

There is a meditation / visualisation that comes to mind reading what you have written. Try to visualise little you as you were then, going into a room and the you as you are now is sitting there, in an armchair by a fire place. The you today beckons the little you to come over, the you today comforts the little you, telling her she is ok, and telling her the things she needs to hear right now. If you can't visualise just imagine it (is pretty much the same thing).

In love and light

Mystique

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Wed, 25/01/2012 - 09:00
#2
marie
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It will get easier:):):)

Dear Lala,
Like Mystique – sending you many cyber hugs. Working on this issue can be challenging for everyone, but conquering this area can bring a big jump to our recovery. Often our condition puts shadows on all the good things that happen to us and we remember only the pain, we deserve more, we deserve to make it up to ourselves everything what was not done for us or given to us. We can’t change the past, but we can change how we think about it.
It could help to make a list of affirmations, list of thoughts, very loving thoughts you were missing that age. Take a picture of you or any other child, you like, and learn to talk to the little one with love, compassion and gentleness…repeat, repeat and repeat until it will sink it into the subconscious mind, then the healing starts.
It is very important not to stay in the sad memories and not to over-analyse this process, keep it very simple, sentences like you would say to a little child. Every child is beautiful, so I am sure were very beautiful, lovely child who deserve a lot of love and compassion – time to give it to yourself, you deserve it, you will not regret it….
Enclosing some links that you could find helpful in this process.
It will get easier Lala
Sending another hug to you and all Icebergers who feel similar at the moment
M

http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/submittedimage/embracing-inner-child
http://www.eatingdisorderselfhelp.com/articles/2009/october/03/time-look...

There is always a solution…:):):)

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Wed, 25/01/2012 - 19:51
#3
lala
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Hi mystique. Thank

Hi mystique. Thank you!!!

Well I did the visualising thing :)

I lay on my couch and closed my eyes. I couldn't picture a room with a fireplace (my apartment doesn't have one lol) so I visualised myself as me now sitting on the couch. And then little me came in. It was all rather corny and I felt a bit silly... But the young me and now me had a chat. It was really weird because I didn't have to over-think either part. They both just started talking. Kinda creepy haha.

But I feel better. It's weird to imagine yourself giving yourself a hug. But I feel better so it worked, thank you!

X

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Wed, 25/01/2012 - 20:03
#4
lala
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Hi Marie.Thank you!!Ok I

Hi Marie.

Thank you!!

Ok I made out a list of affirmations and things about me (good stuff) from when I was little. I said nice things to little me. Told her that it's ok to not always be the responsible and sensible one. It's ok to get things wrong, that's how we learn. I was not being punished by the treatments I had for when I was sick as a child. I was loved and cherished. I was talented at lots- Irish dancing, art, writing, school in general, lots of things :)
I was beautiful and special because all children are beautiful and special.

I put up a picture beside my bed of me about six. Two long blonde plait pig tails, turquoise dungarees and standing up swinging on a swing with a huge smile on my face lol. I also put one up of my little brother on his first day of playschool just cuz it was so darn cute! Hurrah

I feel less ruminat-y (is that even a word...) now and hope I'll sleep better tonight. Dreams of when Santa came or playgrounds or birthday parties etc. All the nice shiny special stuff from childhood!

I guess it's a matter of putting the spotlight on all the good stuff! Because there was lots of good stuff!

Thanks M.

X

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