Leavin on a jet plane!!!!!
Hey beautifuls!!!
Hope everyones keepin up the fight kickin some ed butt ;)
Today I am literally walking around buzzing, floating on air, a little may be do with a caffeine buzz! but mostly its all down to the absolute love for life and excitement im feeling right now...
This day 3 weeks I'll be in Thailand on the Khao San road, stop one on a long trip to the other side of the world. Forever travel has been my dream, i dont ever remember not daydreaming about taking off with my backpack and exploring the world, there is so much to see and experience, im in awe of the endless possibilities.
A few years back in the condition I had the same dream to travel. I wanted to escape, to run far away and leave everything behind. I did enough travelling with ed in my luggage to know that where you go you take your attitude with you, your perceptions, your beliefs, your condition... You can go to the ends of the earth and yet your bleak outlook remains the same. In fact it didnt matter where I was I never even left my head!! Needless to say those trips were not the fun, carefree experiences i imagined.
Today Ive been thinking about how unbelievaby grateful and delighted I am to be packing full recovery with me as I jet off. I still have these moments of complete awe at the beauty of full recovery the absolute freedom and joy I feel for life, when I once felt nothing but dead on the inside. It still blows me away when I reflect on how much has changed. And yet I am still the same person Ive just shed the layers of condition and self destruction.
I no longer hold the same view of travel as an escape route. Yet its still my biggest dream, I still see the world as a place of endless oppurtunities and possibilities. Theres soooo much to see. I cant wait to get out there and just explore and discover to meet new people to be totally free to just be me, to try new things, figure out what i want in life, what else i like and dont like. Now that ive ditched condition i can really spread my wings and fly. The greatest gift of it all is that I am totally free to just be me and experience life in that way. The peace and acceptance that comes with that is priceless. Its such a simple yet powerful feeling.
When I pack my bag this time round there will be no ed nor will there be any self limiting beliefs or any self hatred.
My bag is full of excitement, an open mind, self-belief, self-worth, awareness, acceptance, trust in life, patience, love, willingness to learn, persistance. Im at peace with my body I trust it, I trust food and I trust myself to look after my needs. I can be gentle with myself its fine to fall I just pick myself back up, another lesson learnt. Its packed full of wisdom soo so much wisdom I learnt both from experience, books, and from all the wonderful therapists and careworkers and girls in group, workshops all those beautiful nuggets of wisdom to pull out when I need them.
I only now feel as though I am truly alive and living my life as Joanne, while recovery once seemed like a long tedious journey its now the greatest choice i ever made the most worthwhile battle I ever fought. And looking back it doesnt matter any more about yrs of ed it just matters that i got here, because Ive learnt things some people dont learn in a lifetime. I know that life isnt gonna be a breeze and there are always challenges - forever learning, but from now on I am safe and I can cope no matter what. Ill never turn on myself again Ill always support myself, Im my own friend now.
There will be tough days but there are also always gonna be lots of magical days like today, when the whole world is exploding with life and joy :)
Ok I think Im gettin a bit carried away with my excitement but I really truly cant express enough just how real freedom from ed is, I was told Id learn to cope do I sound like Im just coping!!???
So keep taking those steps one at a time, your closer to recovery with each one
Nite beautifuls
Joanne x x x
ahh Joanne, this is beautiful, so simple, so honest, soo real..im so excited for you and also we will miss u hugely here in Ireland, you have been a great support and encouragement to everyone here and I know ul have the time of your life, you deserve all the joys and happiness that are on there way to you, all the present moments, kodak moments and beauty, your just amazing Joanne, thanks for this post I cannot wait for full freddom, listening to you always gives me extra motivation.
love Cara xxx
Now maybe this is a bit of a downer after such an excited post, but reading this makes me sad, sad for all the wasted years, wasted holidays, both trips I avoided going on due to ED or trips I went on and was totally dictated to by condition thinking. And I did that, that was me, my distorted thinking, my life slipping away, self imposed pergatory in a way. I guess I am a bit sorry for myself today, or overwhelmed, or a bit hopeless,or maybe just a bit tired, but also what you have seems so unattainable from where I stand, and a bit scary really. Its nearly easier to crawl back into the hole. But I refuse to be a victim, victim behaviour, victim thinking I have no respect for and so i will keep at this, chip away, question, put doubt into the equasion. And well maybe, just maybe!
kiz
Hi my lovely Kizzy...
Please don't get yourself down with 'regrets', don't let the condition pull you back into the all-too-well-known comparison slot. Sure, you might feel sad about 'wasted time', 'wasted years', 'wasted holidays'...but does this mean you need to continue follow the condition whispering lies and negativity in your ear? guide you? You know the answer yourself...
Accept this bit of sadness, it is ok...but then walk forward... turn your head the right way, don't keep it back to front, that only will give you a stiff neck...
Believe me, Kizzy, I know where you are coming from, there is a split second of envy even with me...sure, in a way it is to be expected. I am in my forties now and have finally, this year, reached full recovery. Of course, I could go on and on and be immensely sad, frustrated and depressed for all the years that I have given to the condition...and I must admit, there are moments of deep regret...but does this get me any further? NO!!!
Instead I can proudly say: Hey, I am going to spend the rest of my life living as fully as I can, taking in as much as I can in the most pleasant and positive way that I can. I let my child within finally run riot and climb all the trees I can find, be a clown, be a listener, be a friend, be a sister, daughter, girlfriend, be funny, mad, happy, sad...BE ALIVE for the rest of my life!!
Thank God I recovered, I could just as well be dead, I could still be struggling with the condition, I could be who-knows-what-and-where... But NO, I am recovered, finally free...
"It is never too late to become the person you might have been"...
I have started again, right in the middle of my life, and am creating a brand new end...
Kizzy, leave the sadness about wasted times behind you, these times are past and getting tangled up back there will not help you getting out and preparing yourself for your very own wonderful trip.
Never ever give up hope, don't waste any more time, take this as a motivation for your very own recovery, start dreaming...create your vision board...
It is never too late!!!
Love and a big hug of support,
xxx Robin xxx
thanks as always i actually wait for ur posts they always seem to have such a profound impact on me
u r my earth angel and u don't even know it
Catriona
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I realised as I posted this its a veeery upbeat, excited post and to the condition mind reading it might even seem im rubbing it in, my life is fab and for those living in conditon life probably doesnt seem so fab! But I posted it because its exactly how I feel at the moment this is the reality of my life right now. Recovery and freedom is very real and possible. As i said myself I cannot believe I am the same person I was in the past feeling as you do now. I was in your position, when it all seemed unachievable, an impossible goal, but I did it, I set myself free from the cage I imprisoned myself in. Thats why I posted it I want to share that from the emptiness and depths of condition life can grow and become full and beautiful again.
I had a huge number of missed oppurtunities, ruined occasions, trips i avoided and trips destoyed by ed and i had a deep well of regret over it all, saddness and emptiness, anger at myself and condition, disillusioned with life. Those emotions filled me up and dragged me down. IAnd I did my fair share of wallowing in them.
Until I looked at it in a different light. Yes I screwed up time and time again yes I missed out an awful lot and those things i would never get back again. BUT what was i gonna do about it now? focus on what i missed out on and beat myself up feel sorry for myself OR take responsibility now make damn sure i didnt turn around in 10 years and have a whole new pile of missed oppurtunities. My regrets turned into some of my biggest motivations, not only moving toward the life i did want but away from the life I didnt want anymore.
Kizzy be gentle with yourself, yes you maybe are tired among lots of other emotions and challenges in recovery, and thats ok fighting ed is tiring work BUT dont let it get the better of you, keep the fire alive even if its a little spark at times!! Turn sorry for yourself into proud of yourself for being in the fight, still wanting better for yourself, be a survivor now! that choice is one only you can make. Read the end of your post I love it!! Fighter spirit ;)
Choices!! Focus on what you missed out on or accept now the past is the past.
"You did then what you knew best, when you knew better you did better"
Forgive yourself and let it go.
Today you know better, you dont want your past to be your future you dont want to keep doing what youve been doing, so use the knowledge and awareness you have now, only your present and future are in your hands in the choices you make today, so just make sure you dont go creating lots of new regrets!!!
Not maybe...stick with it and its definitely, its only a matter of time
Already this Am from your status i see your choosing to have a different future
Hope this helps some bit :)
Joanne x x
In our dreams we are able to fly ... and that is a remembering of how we were meant to be.