Learning from recovery

I have just recently accepted that I am going to need help for a medical condition that has existed for quite a long time. This condition is quite devastating for me at the moment but I accept that it will not just improve by itself. I have always associated this condition as being related to ED and I absolutely put every hope into it resolving once I had recovered. My attitude was, just focus on recovery and everything else will sort itself out.

Recovery has taught me so much. I have learned that what at first can seem hopeless, impossible, desperate, isolating, a lost cause etc. can transform when you are introduced to a helpful map,a good support network, people who have the belief and the knowledge and can give you the tools and the information. I have accomplished things that I once thought were impossible. I've seen situations that I thought were lost causes totally resolve. I have watched my body go from being broken and failing to being thriving and healthy... I grew up being told I had a limited life ahead of me of managing an illness from which there was no cure from and I have throughout my life, in spite of this made enormous leaps of courage to full freedom. I once lived in a life full of holes and shadows where my days oriented solely around self-destruction and a dream that "one day" usually "tomorrow" I would recover. From that cut off place, it's a miracle I was ever motivated by life at all.

Recovery is like a jigsaw, when you have one piece sometimes the shapes don't look like anything and you don't know what comes next; sometimes things don't make sense and finding and believing in a solution can be difficult. I have learned that the impossible is possible and that piece by piece you can come further than you could ever have imagined... I have a life now that seemed unrealistic, out of reach, a fantasy - to a girl I used to be. I know that there is always a solution. Someone always has the information and I know that LOVE and TRUST and BELIEF are always the answer.. Not intellectualising, not doubt, not questioning, not fear, not trying to fill yourself from a place of emptiness, and not trying to find security from a place of worry... most of all I know the answer is NOT resistance....

My recovery journey has left an impact on me. I believe that I am always the common demoninator. I believe I always have a choice. I believe that what I focus on I get more of. I believe that I am responsible for everything in my world. I know my limits today are much broader than they have been in the past. I believe in surrender and trust and a higher power. I believe in me and I believe in people and I believe in life.

Still, this medical problem REALLY frustrates me. It feels limiting and full of resistance and it is the total opposite of everything I have fought for. What is the most annoying is that I don't know HOW to "fix it" and also that it is starting to interfere with relationships with important people in my life. In short, I live less because of it, and that is no longer acceptable to me. I am not prepared to settle for less anymore.

But then, I didn't know how to "fix" the condition either. With the condition, I spent a long time in conflict about recovery. Could I live without it? Could I cope? What would replace it? I was terrified of what would happen if there was no more condition. This challenge is unlike that. I am fully prepared to do ANYTHING that will resolve it.

I don't spend my life getting ready anymore, or questioning what I cannot know until I try it out; i don't spend my life planning or locked in time; I don't spent my life having arguments with myself.. My mind is free and receptive. I am ready for life. I am not afraid. I am not a procrastinator. I know life is my teacher; and I know solutions come with momentuum and experimenting...

I suppose I am just trying to reassure myself here because I am feeling quite confused and angry about this new challenge. Almost all of the physical/medical complications that I had as a result of the condition have sorted themselves out. Even the very severe medical problems that brought me to the ground. The way the body heals has given me such hope and such confidence. Now I feel I am at the "start" of something AGAIN, even after all the work I have done, and I really can't believe it and I don't think it's fair. That's self-honesty. But I didn't recover by being a victim and spending all day playing the "poor me" card. This is just another challenge that I CAN handle, and I am more in a position to handle it now than I ever have been.

It feels HUGE and unmanagable at the moment but I am sure there must be a solution to it. The condition once felt huge and unmanagable as well but gradually all the pieces started to slot together and eventually things I never thought were possible became effortless and enjoyable and just part of life.

With some conditions, just like ED, there is not a lot of information about them. The solutions are not easily accessible and don't always come quickly; helpful experts may be difficult to find...But I know that life is all about compatible energies matching up and trusting. I feel like having 100% health is absolutely important to me now. Why would I settle for anything less? Health is energy and freedom and facilitates living more fully. Why would I come all the way through recovery only to be limited by a medical problem now? I have come through so much already and sometimes it's easy to forget that. You get caught up in living and it's easy to forget your history. Step by step, with acceptance, patience, energy, willingness and bucketfuls of love and trust... I will overcome this as well