Learning

Hello all
sending u all the biggest gigantic hug
2 weeks of unfocused thoughts
i have had such a crazy couple of weeks and it really did feel like hell i was frustrated couldnt get my thoughts together and just generally wasnt even trying to feel better
i knew and was aware x y z is happening andthere is and there will be alot of stress associated with that for the next few weeks
however instead of realising ok this is stress this is pressure and it is ok i was lik oh my god i am so negative i can never sort all this out its too much god i cant live i thought i was so far in recovery bla i am so not able to cope what am i doing god i cant do life
and on and on and on.
having a session and saying ya that works that seems great and oh ya i will do that after i have been thro the busy time
thinking ya that all sounds fine but like why arent u saying poor me look at all i am dealing with why arent u holding my hand saying poor u ya fire away swell in the unsurmontable pressure
ha what a joke focusing on all the stress the things i was finding tough was not going to help me move forward and of course they knew
all the recommended slowing down incorporating fun was not supposed to be put on pause until AFTER the stress daily bursts there is always enough time and it is my responsibility to take care of my mental garden those weeds wont pluck themselves
i think i had done so much work in the past on my mental garden i have been a louise haye advocate for years
BUT ABOUT A YEAR AGO IT STOPPED WORKING HEHE (i know obviously it DIDN'T stop working i shall explain)
about a year ago i realised tri u have been doing affirmations and louise haye work and working on ur self for a long time ur not recovered so obviously this does not work keep researching and try something else so i kinda gave up on it as in i started saying and my family started saying ... affirmations are good but u gotta do the practical too so then i stopped affirmations and started totally back into this number focused physical practical recovery and gained xxx and had meal plans and rigidity and if i wasnt doing it i was bad and a failure
and obviouly wud never recover
AND THEN MTC HAPPENED AND OPENED MY EYES OPENED MY LIFE AND IT JUST FELT SO RIGHT everything they were saying it seemed quiet rational it felt so good it was like click click click ah ha moment after ah ha moment after ah ha moment
the light bulbs were going off and i was like oh my god i knew that ya that is so in line with who i want to be in what i believe at my core that feels and sounds great and i believe and i so so believe in ye i am willing to do anything u say
and the hope and positivity and everything just overcame me it was infused into every cell of my being
i cam home on a high adamant that recovery was and is for me
for a week or so i was on a high no person place or annoyance good even touch me i was
ticking all boxes
affirmations positivity living fun happy and doing nutrition without scales numbers etc i WAS CAITRIONA THE KICK ASS RECOVERED PERSON
howeve i dont knnow how a bit of the fact that the ed didn just pack her bags and leave and on my part a lax on the daily work and little slips started re nutrition justified by lack of activity etc (a really old behaviour of mine) and it was all about tomorrow and christmas and anxiety and stuff bla basically excuses. AND I WILL HAVE U KNOW ED WILL USE THE FACT THAT I HAVE A TOE OR THE SKY IS BLUE OR GREY AS AN EXCUSE AND ALL THE ANALYZING (ANA LIES) AND ALL THE RATIONALIZATION ARE JUST FUEL FOR HER she loves to rationalise and analyse every minute detail..... of course C. didnt mean to have this everyday even when u r realaxed (yes i had asked this question directly to C. and i already had the answer YES SHE DID MEAN EVERYDAY)
AND ON AND ON and the spiral continued and i just wasnt taking responsibility for anything i was waiting
still knowing that i need to work on the physical a bit more but waiting until tomorrow
still knowing that my happiness depends on me not someone else
still knowing that my life is my life people can care for me love me support me but if i chose ed and ignore advice i can get more of the same if i go back to ed ways and think oh this time its adifferent this excuse is totally rationalzed then i will get more of the same
it really is up to me if it is to be its up to me and i am in charge of me i am responsible for me no body else is.
i am 25 in 2 weeks today i am an adult i am a grown woman i have support i have guidance but i need to do the work consistently.
i think after a good 8 years of trying to recover using various louise haye self help bla bla i just have lost a bit of hope and then i thought after MTC and things clicking that that was it all my work hadnt been in vain and now i will be free in 1 quick sweep.
but its not that sim[ple the work i ahve done was not in vain but it did bring me to this point
i have never ever idolised or liked ed i have never wanted to be thin but ed has been a part of me for X years and i worked hard on my own for most trying to get rid of it researching researching researching . but now i have found MTC and its ok, i knnow sometimes u feel like u need to sound more recovered than u r cuz u feel that otherwise ur a bit of an old failure who wasted 8 years plebbing about when u cud now be free. i know u wish u had found thme sooner i know doll i know
i know deep down u believe u r a good person i know u know it i know u love so many parts of your personality that ur bubbley u love people ur sociable ur compasssionate ur empathetic u love helping people u r a kick ass doctor ur quirky anf funny and smart and so beautiful
but darling thats enough u r enough u dont need a million people tellign u that u dont need to compare urself to others or think i am 25 i shud b doing x i shudnt be thinking that i shudnt be tiered i am eating enough i shudnt be xx y z u have been shudding on top of urself for too long
take the pressure off nothing willhappen u will not lose anything there is nothing to control at any point in time its always just u just u and u like u u love u u think ur great stay present doll u dont need to scare urself with tomorrow or next week. because its always just now and u always have u now u will have u tomorrow and u can be there for yourself tomorrow too.
u deserve to feel good at any number at any daily intake whether u feel that its justified or not
ur purpose is to feel happy and good and thats all it is everything u do and say shud be making u feel better and if its not then stop doing it it is that simple
if u want to feel good tomorrow start feeling good today
if u feel tiered or stressed then comfort ur self u can feel tiered and stressed and good
just look for better feeling thoughts
lik take baby steps
such as ... oh my god everything is out of control i cant handle it this is too much. can become oh tri ur a little stressed doll maybe get a cup of tea write down what ue feeling and what u need to do, u have handled more than this before ur good at this kind of thing ur ok. maybe get some fresh hair and breath the stress wont make u do it faster.
anyways this post was going to be oh i have slipped a bit how do i get back to where i was but i dont need to ask the answers are inside and have been given to me by icebergers in the past M., Em. and C. repeatedly its just a question of choosing allowing and being the person i wnat to and chose to be at every moment i am chosing for caitriona
making choices for me to help me be happy
i love u all
happy friday
i just sent in my gp application last night and i know in my heart i am getting on the 2012 gp scheme
with love
caitriona
i love MTC i am in recovery until i am recovered who cares where i am on my journey i am on my journey and i will get there it ok no time is wasted because the past is over and all i have is today and the choice s i make today determine my life
cant go back cant go forward cant work out tomorrow today all i can do is today