learning

OK so im battling whether to post or not but i know its the condition voice holding me back, thinking ill appear bold, not good enough, not recovered enough blah blah blah, but im posting this for me and also to help others who are in stages of confusion and or learning.

So i have had a busy summer, and new life stuff come up and the majority of times i have coped very well, actually all the time bar what i feel last wkd i coped very well. However, i did feel under pressure, overwhelmed and sometimes at the point of anxiety adn fear and feeling i needed to just stop, take a breath and do what i really wanted and or needed to do. The summer has been amazing, i have gotten v close to my boyfriend and we haev been on lots of wkds away etc, nights out, dinners out, trying new things, adn its been great ive really been liviing. BUT and theres always a but, i am not recovered yet. Altho i have loved it all, i feel i pushed myself too mcuh and have not been expressing what i need, i feel that i should be further along than i am, Well it was said that i am oin final stages but then a setback with behaviours on sunday hs me feeling maybe im not?? I know it was one day, i know it is a coping skill but i was devastated as i felt the last few months i could not imagine going bk there, its nothing like a behaviour in the past but was still something i thght i had moved on from. I know what it really eating me away, by using this coping mecahnism i feel not perfect enough, that i am a bold recovery person and that i should, (always shoulds) have done something more constructive. For me its hard to let go of the one day or few hours as i want to substitute with other behaviours, but im further along now and i know i dont need to do that.

Why im writing this is that there are learnings for me in all this, it is not a setback if we can take something from it, for me its to just focus a bit more on Cara, on self care, on saying no, on getting back to basics, not letting things take over, ive had so many wkds away and am away at the end of sept, but apart from that i am setting boundaries, im really gonna hone in on what feels right for me, as i feel i need to just give myself some breathing space, some me time, some catching up with friends time, and a lot of recovery time, self care, nature, simple things. I am not superwoman, far from it, but so often i try to be, i dont want to look needy or to even have needs, but i think this is what has not been expressed, so often i want to come across, as normal, or that im fine, that im over this ED stuff, however, sometimes i just need to say no, to say im not feeling 100% so can i cancel, or can u do it and ill join in another time. There is only so much, energy, money, head space. time space that i have time for and now sunday really highlighted to me whats most important. There are stuff with me that really still needs challenging and i realsied the other day if i dont face or deal with these things now im never actually going to recover, i need to challenge these things as their pure condition just masking themselves in another voice.

Ok this prob makes no sense but i needed to get it out, i guess im trying to say its ok to slip up, its ok as long as i learn from it and do smtg about it, i dont want to beat self over head with a stick anymore ive done that enough already and im learning,

Love Cara xxx