irrational fears and pressure
Group was fantastic last night and altho now with work commitments i dont get to go every wk, i def notice the difference of when i do and dont. I guess its for me the identification i get, the support and knowing that others are fighting and going through similiar but alos different experiences. Last night on fears, i really saw the condition. Most of us had similiar if not the same kind of fears, of not being good enough, of fear of not fully recovering, of getting our needs met and expressing them, of intimacy and so forth. A said smtg in group that has just totally and utterly changed my thinking since, she said she makes a decision that she is not going to get stressed by smtg before it actually happens, it may never happen, no point in worrying until teh actuial event. This for me is brilliant and since last night any time ive started to wrry about when i will prepare stuff or what is teh perfect thing to do i take a step back, i know that ill be ok and next wk ill have gotten through it, that i dont have to be perfect.
I have a challenging wkd ahead, yes it is going to be great fun, but i also felt so under pressure yesterday. It should be fun, not pressure, and it is me who is putting self under thre pressure to do it all right and all brilliantly. At the end of the day our fears pass, next wk ill look bak and ill have new fear,s new liusts, but the point is to look at them a different way, to look at them as yes stepping outside my comfort zone, as someone said last night, a new way of learning, but also to do what is enough for me, what is right? What feels like too much, what does cara want, not what condition wants, not what i should or am being told to do, i do feel at this stage of my recovery i need to listen to me more, not what i think everyone else wants me to do.
Also on this i need help with this part, i am finding it sooooo difficult to express my needs, my new boyf asks things about ED and i want to run, i cannot explain it and i feel i end up confusing myslef and him, i guess i want to seem perfect so i feel ashamed of the ED and want to protect myself for fear of being rejected or left and i end up coming out with nothing basically i think he thinks im further along than i am, i have def not helped this situation but i just dont want to seem less than..i dont know has anyone ever experienced this as i just want to change the subject, laugh it off..but i feel with a lot coming up over the next few wks, intimacy and support would be good, or just being honest..i dunno maybe the fears are false evidence appearing real but they sure seem real in my mad head!!
Thanks for readinga nd listeing and to all at group my gosh sooo much of the pressure from yesterday is just gone!!
Love and light
Cara
Hi Cara
I have never posted here but when I read your post something clicked in me to respond. I know what you mean when you refer to your new boyf asking about the ED and how you feel. I feel the exact same way-I also think that my boyf thinks I am further along in recovery than I am and I get so scared that if he knew the "real" me he would head for the hills. I have tried to be as honest as I can and have tried my best to explain things but I think he finds it very hard to "get" it. I don't think anyone really can unless they are or have had experience of ED. The only thing that I can say is that I am really trying hard to trust (I am not so good at that) and also trying to be grateful that he is trying to understand and from what I can see your boyf is too and for me that is such a positive thing. I think that us trying to be "perfect" for them is the ED-I mean who on this earth is perfect. Everyone has things that they need to work on and that they worry about and I think what we need to do is accept everyone as they are and accept that everyone is trying to help themselves and others on their journey so rather than worrying ourselves silly (what a waste of energy-I waste SO SO much energy worrying) let's try our best to enjoy what we have (believe me I know that is unbeliveably hard-I am worried that I may sound like a hypocrite there as I find that so so so hard to do but I am trying so I guess that is something). As the song goes "one day at a time". So maybe we need to go a little easier on ourselves.
Also I have been more honest with my family, friends and boyf in the last few weeks than I have ever been in my recovery and while it has terrified me and it certainly has not been easy it has helped. They have not freaked out or run away from me which is something I have been really afraid of instead they have been kind and supportive and have been exceptionally grateful for my honesty so maybe honesty might be the way to go for you too. After all we are trying to be honest about what we need and want rather than what the ED needs or wants so maybe take a little step with the honesty and with the boyf if you feel you can. I can only speak from my experience but so far when I have been honest it has been worth it and rather than pushing people away I felt closer to them as I think (and they told me) that they felt they could be more "useful" and "helpful" when they had a better idea of what was going on with me and in my head.
I really hope I have not rambled too much and that I have made some sort of sense. The VERY best of luck with the next few weeks and be KIND to yourself.
S
Dear Cara, just a short one, because my internet does not work properly and often cuts off before I post it.
Sometimes when people ask us about ED, we put ourselves under pressure to give them long explanation and justification.
What can be helpful is – just playing for time. When somebody ask us about ED, we can just say : One day I will explain to you, one day I tell you about it..., now let’s talk what we do..., how was your day..., where do we go..., How are you...?
Redirecting conversation can take the pressure away. He knows and like the real Cara better than you think – let’s enjoy that
People with ED are interesting human being – not always just conditions, person is not their behaviour and many people who care about us are aware of that.
It will be great
Regards
Marie
Dear S, thank you for your sharing with us your inspirational post. You are so right, by being honest we make people more understand and that can help our recovery and it can help people who care for us as well
Thanks again
Marie
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Thank u both Marie and S so much for your replies, i am putting myself under pressure to explain it perfectly and S u are right, its very hard for someone else to understand who has not been through it and then i get frustrated. So im going to be as honest as i can be for now but also trust that over time and as time goes on, i can explain more or he will just see me more and learn about me and not condition and or behaviours, i do not want to make tis rel about condition. Thanks so much and S best of luck with your trust and honesty, so inspirational
Love Caraxx