The Important Things
These past few days, have been so challenging. I am trying to come to terms with my mum's illness, although not sure how you come to terms with something like this. There is no hope, but there IS still time. Time here is the essence, as it is the only thing I can hold on to. So many people have commented on what a time of year to get this news, but in a way, I think it is a good time. After Friday, I will have some time off from work, so will have time to be with my family and also it will allow me more time to process what is going on for me personally.
It has really brought home to me the small things. This year, I have bought mum a candle for Christmas - one of my brothers is putting together a photobook for her etc. I am coming around to accepting that this will probably be the last Christmas where mum will be able to cook the dinner, based on where she is currently at.
What this has brought home for me, is how you don't know what you have till something like this happens. I hate the fact that it has taken something like this for me to realise just how much I love my mum. She may not be perfect, but at the end of the day, she is my mum.
Mum herself has said she knew all along this is what she had, but didn't want to be told - but who does want to be told news like this. As much as I am going through with this, I am sure she is going through all the more, as she is grieving the fact that her body is giving up on her, in ways that she has no control over. This Christmas I am hoping it will be one where I can show mum how appreciative I am of all she has ever done for me. We may not be the perfect family, but they are my family. I am sure there are many challenges ahead, in trying to come to terms with this illness etc.
I always believe things happen for a reason, and also believe that God would not give us something we could not handle, however at the moment am finding it hard to see beyond what is right in front of me. I know I will get there, but at the moment, it is very much taking it one step at a time. I need to allow myself to crumble, if that is what I need, but equally I need to try to be strong - for my mum as much as anything.
I said to someone today how I do feel things happen for a reason, but her attitude was that it would not be happening to your mum if there was a reason. I didn't respond to that, but deep inside I know I need to believe that, as that light of believe is what will help me through this process. There are going to be ups and downs, but I know that my beliefs is what will help me through this.
In love and light
Mystique
Dear Mystique,
Lots and lots of hugs of support and love going your and your Mum's way. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx you and your family and Mum are in my prayers xxx
I'm so sorry to hear about your mam... Thinking of you xxxxx
Dear Mystique,
Thank you for your post, I find there is so much learning for us all in your words, recovered or not, we all forget sometimes what is important in this world, your words remind us to make a stock-take.
Sending you lots of love and wishing you many special moments with your mum.
Thinking of you
M
My heart goes out to you Mystique.
I have to say I find myself agreeing with you that beliefs are probably of great importance at a time like this.
A friend of mine lost her Dad recently..he was younger than my own Dad..and she was very much at peace with the situation when i spent time with her in the week following his passing because she had great conviction that, although she couldn't make head or tail of why this had happened to their family, his death had been part of a greater plan that she might not be able to understand, but could accept.
Whatever beliefs help you to get through this difficult time, Mystique, you go ahead and believe them. I think your family is lucky to have a strong, steadfast member like you.
All the very best to you this Christmas season,
Love,
Michelle x
Thank you Michelle.
Something my mum asked me really broke my heart. Her speech has days which are worse than others, and was particularly bad on this day - her lip is drooping slightly on one side (not very obvious but she is very aware of it). She asked me if she was ugly - it was so hard to hear my mum ask me that. I told her no and then went on to say that she was still mum. I could see she felt touched by that but she didn't say anything. I then went on to say that true beauty comes from the onside to which she said 'that's true'. Even though mum was only diagnosed with MND a little over a week ago, it seems likely she has had this for two years - issues with her back etc. Mum feels it is all connected and fromy understanding of the condition I think so too. I expect that there are going to be more moments like this where mum will be looking for reassurance.
I met up with an old friend of mine yesterday, who has some idea of what I am going through, as her own mum is seriously I'll with cancer. It was good to meet up and chat and to just talk so openly about it - a few tears too.
My little niece is a real tonic to have with us this Christmas, the excitement of Santa Claus and the presents, even though she is a wee bit scared of Santa too, she definitely likes the present aspect :).
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I am now home for Christmas and just taking it moment by moment. I think this is the first time I have ever seen my mum cry. She got emotional over her speech when a friend dropped me home. I am glad that she is allowing the emotion come through - better out than in. It is an adjustment for all of us. I got a shock when I saw mum with how much had changed since I last saw her. I have to be patient with her - allow her to say what she wants to say - it nearly feels like she has so much to say & wants to say it whilst she still can communicate verbally.
LnL
Mystique