The Importance of Relaxing & H.A.L.T.(S)

Hi everyone,

I'm sitting here watching one of my all-time favourite films - it's instantly made me feel better - Miss.Potter. I've definitely written about it here before. It's about Beatrix Potter and her drawing and writing and living independently in early 20th Century England. Her mother disapproves entirely and she relies completely on her own self belief and isn't influenced by the pressures around her. When she follows her heart and trusts herself her life only gets better and better as she finds new friends and a wonderful life. It's a beautifully made film set in lovely farming landscapes in England, beautiful costumes and animals, great acting and all telling a brilliant, inspiring and true story. It's the kind of story that makes you dream again.....It's about all aspects of FREEDOM...

I didn't come on here to talk about the film though.... Robin reminds us of HALT and I want to make an addition to that.....I want to add an S.

S for STRESS.

I allow (have allowed) stress invade so much of my life. And I think little of this is to do with the condition but all to do with life. In the condition it was the negativity and depression that effected my energy for life. Now my energy for life is still effected but not by those two imposters but by the big S. Everything I do be it brushing my teeth, making my lunch, eating my dinner, commuting, preparing a lesson, lodging a cheque, getting myself dressed is infected with stress. Until I have, what is my current first priority sorted, it's as if nothing else matters, my clothes - ironed, my nutrition, my relationships, I'm always thinking in the back of my mind that my other priority isn't resolved so I can't waste any time or energy on anything else.

Also - I let the smallest of inconsequential things seem like volcanic disturbances. All day Tuesday I was helping my friend out I left my house at 9.30am and didn't get to sleep till 3am and I was up the next morning for 6am for teaching. Ok one day of a lot of tiredness, but it meant my kitchen was in an upheavel of clothes and notes and after work yesterday I took a nap before going out with my family last night. So when I woke up this morning I was like 'oh everything is a mess, my clothes are EVERYWHERE, the kitchen is a state, it's going to take a century to undo and I can't do anything else until the chores are done, that I couldn't go out about normal life business until all my bits and bobs are tidied up....

It's energy zapping....... totally energy zapping, just the same effect all that negativity used to have on me, the same HALT effects us, S really effects me - in the ways I said above. I half get ready for things, would feel all out of sorts when had I just taken the time to ready myself I wouldn't be going around with my handbag full of old receipts, LUAS tickets and laser card receipts. The all-or-nothing thinking from the condition is part of this stress thing - just because I haven't the priority sorted I think 'oh just hurry up getting ready' and when the bag is overloaded with receipts or the bedroom floor has two pairs of jeans on it I say 'sure look at the state of it now you might as well keep on going and throw in the rest of your receipts and a few more pairs of jeans.'

I've noticed all this is in my life but had never verbalised it before the S and the all-or-nothing thinking - the constant, I mean constant rushing - which I think will solve everything when I'm on autopilot but actually solves nothing - only creating a vicious cycle of more stress less actual productivity.

It's a habit I need to break. It's my thinking, putting things into perspective, patience and trust. I was putting out the recycling today and walking back into my house, I felt the fresh breeze blow over me, noticed the clean outline of the green field mountain against the blue, blue sky. I felt relaxed. Wow - look at that. Feel the air. I felt I could enjoy the brief walk and I realised I had forgotten what that sense of relaxation and freedom felt like - when any care in the world is parked up somewhere else temporarily, or maybe you were just really trusting of the future and so worries were more plans waiting to be exacted and you could just enjoy the exact, specific moment...... I realised I hadn't felt that in a very, very long time. There was always somewhere to go to, someone to help out, some chore left undone, someone to contact.....

I bought myself a Chanel biography for my birthday and have been planning to make a start on it - I'd wanted it for ages now and I've only managed a page. Same with a cookbook I'd wanted for agggges and got as a present from someone else - a brief flick through......

I realise now everything was just frazzled, energy in all sorts of different places and heights and nothing but stress and indigestion and tense, tightened soldiers. Rushing my UDOS, buring my porrige, resenting having to waste time getting the porrige ready even and then eating it standing up.

I've longed for ages now to get my zest for life back and I knew negativity wasn't keeping me from it but this S addition to HALT. Running around but getting nothing done. Not focused really on anything. Not actually sorting anything out...I was afraid to even admit to myself what I've just written because I thought it would have the effect of taking the eye off the ball. The way I was acting had no eyes on any balls.

In hockey practice in school after we'd finished a corners drill and were running or had run out of balls we'd always shout 'REGROUP' and everyone would run down to the sidelines and collect the used balls and gather them all up again ready to start afresh.

This afternoon I tied the kitchen and picked up the clothes - took me allllllll of an hour.......... I listened to a beginner's meditation and for whatever reason possessed to sit down and watch Miss. Potter - it was like of my stress was alleviated, evaporated altogether. I found out earlier today that a decision won't be made till next week about a full-time job I applied for - I've been waiting for about 2 and 1/2 months now and all of a sudden after my meditation and Miss. Potter I just didn't care as much..... I can sit back and relax and read up about Coco Chanel and my life won't fall apart as a result, I mindfully made my lunch and mindfully ate it at the kitchen table..... took my time.....let it digest.... didn't feel the slightest bit of guilt watching the beautiful film.... I still feel calm and relaxed....

Stress gets me nowhere at all - half getting ready, half making my porrige, half washing my clothes, half traipsing around......nowhere.....

I'm 27, only 27 and my life is beautiful filled with beautiful people and my healthy, alive, clear mind..... this S was absolutely robbing my recovery from me, this constant hurry I had on myself and for what? What hurry was I really in? I was doing all I could and neglecting really important things like self care.

I remember when I was younger around Christmas or the days after it when I had the house to myself I used to go off up to my room, rearrange it, clean it up, arrange my new toiletries, do a new hair style and write away, type away on my typewriter writing imaginary letters on behalf of the Taoiseach to the binmen..... I felt great, all this time to myself used to make me feel great even at 9, doing things in my own company that I really wanted to do and it always cleared my head.

So as always what can I do about it - repeat my New Years affirmation - I really enjoy taking good care of myself, remind myself that everything in my life has time available to dedicate to it, that my nutrition is as important as anything else, that how I feel in my body and my clothes is important to how I feel, to listen to my meditation regularly and when I feel the need,to engage my 5 senses, to remind myself to slow the f**k down that I am way more productive when I actually regroup and that everything in my life, including myself is of equal importance and that I can enjoy myself and read my books and sew my pillow cases, have friends round for dinner, walk in the mountains, play with my niece that NO life won't pass me by because I was so busy and stressed half doing everything.

I feel so so relaxed now, perspective, the importance of balance, how I won't let S get the better of me and my recovery and make me feel like I'm not anywhere near recovery when I actually only I'm just a bit stressed and not at my best.

How do you deal with stress?

Thank you for reading. I'm off to listen to my inner nudgings and start something I've thought about for a very, very long time but had resigned myself not to do. We never know where the first step of a journey will take us.

To live is to trust so we may as well make peace with trust considering we use it every single day of our lives.

I'm off to take the first step and it feels so good and soooo right. Who knows where it will lead but I'm doing it because I shut up long enough to hear my real self talk.

J XXX