If i really loved and approved of myself.....

Today I was asked if I loved and approved of myself what I would I do and it made me realise I don’t and that there are so many things condition wont let me do. So whenever I eat something scary, make any progress, feel a scary emotion, or feel like I am not worthy or deserving or alone I will remember the following. (Writing this was tough but that just means im challenging the negativity). I posted somethinf similar last year that i only found a few days ago a ltter to me signed by people who i admire, a piece of paper that has brought hope and a sense of belonging and support. it is one the most valuble things i own. This is for me. posting is goign against ED but thats recovery.

I deserve to take my life, mind and body back and to not let this rule me, hurt me or control me anymore.
I deserve to eat.
I deserve to not punish myself anymore.
I deserve positive thoughts and a safe mind.
I deserve to believe in something or some place better.
I deserve to do nice things for me, wear nice make up, wear any make up, wear nice clothes from nice shops that show my body, to do my hair not hide behind my hair, to use nice and good moisturisers.
I deserve a healthy body.
I deserve to get lifts or the bus.
I deserve to be happy and to be free with no strings or conditions attached.
I deserve to be here, to have survived and to not have to justify anything and everything to people or myself.
I deserve to have a voice, use my voice and have an opinion.

I am allowed to take pictures no matter who is around or who is looking.
I am allowed to eat nourishing food and to drink water.
I am allowed to get my period.
I am allowed to laugh with people, cry with people, smile with people, talk to people.
I am allowed to enjoy myself regardless of ‘not been good enough’/worthy, or my intake or weight or change in plans/times or rituals.
I am allowed to find things challenging and ask for help and not be ashamed.
I am allowed to be afraid sometimes.
I am allowed to not be okay sometimes.
I am allowed to not exercise
I am allowed to be at this weight AND heavier.
I am allowed to give myself time.
I am allowed to say yes to life, friends and things.
I am allowed to move on.
I am allowed to enjoy recovery and getting to know me.
I am allowed to have good bloods and to make progress.
I am allowed to be afraid of getting better and living free of condition, of good bloods, periods, health, looking well, less sessions, life.
I am allowed to ask for more help and not feel ashamed or worried about not being taken seriously.its okay to need help.
I am allowed to be sad sometimes or cry sometimes. crying is not failing even if its over breaking conditions,
I am allowed to watch movies and not feel guilty.
I am allowed to be me.
I am allowed to look well and be at a healthy weight and not starve or shrink my body.
I am allowed to cry if meals upset me, if my body upsets me, if people or things upset me, or if life is getting me down. I can also cry if im afraid or lonely or just need to cry.
I am allowed to look in people’s eyes and get hugs.
I am allowed to live life and to recover and not care about peoples opinion.

I am talented.
I am loved and loveable.
I am beautiful.
I am creative.
I am broken, scarred, but healing.
I am somebody to someone with or without ED.
I am more than my intake, weight, how bad my bloods are or severity of condition or how sick I am.
I am not going to be forgotten or hurt by everyone I meet.
I am more than a cheque or name in an appointment book.
I am fun and fun to be around.
I am interesting.
I am part of this world.
I am allowed to let go of ED and my past forever.
I am allowed to be proud of been in recovery for ED, self harm, depression and other things and not feel shame but be proud of myself and not beat myself up.
I am allowed to not always have to apologise for what I say, do, for been alive.
I am an inspiration.
I am imperfect.
I am proud of myself for trying to change even if it still terrifies me everyday.

I will be a nutritionist.
I will be a care worker.
I will be free.
I will be photographer.
I will travel the world.
I will learn to drive.
I will be move into my own place.
I will study art or interior design.
I will be an inspiration for others in recovery using my journey and struggles to help and understand and guide them.
I will be ok one day, and I will be able to cope without so much support.

I give myself permission to enjoy food.
I give myself permission to gain weight or be at this weight.
I give myself permission to drink water and hydrate my body.
I give myself permission to sleep and rest in a normal way.
I give myself permission to eat food I consider ‘fatty’.
I give myself permission to do things I consider ‘lazy’.
I give myself permission to be healthy.
I give myself permission to rest after eating.
I give myself permission to not be perfect.
I give myself permission to not isolate.
I give myself permission to talk to people, spend time with people, and open up to my therapists.
I give myself permission to have self-worth/self belief.
I give myself permission to accept compliments.
I give myself permission to trust my therapists and nutritionist, me, food and my body.
I give myself permission to eat every 3 hours.
I give myself permission to eat in 3 hours time if I over eat or eat a food I consider ‘bad’ or thats not on nutritionts plan for me.
I give myself permission to eat real food and not liquids or supplements.
I give myself permission to take medication and vitemins.
I give myself permission to feel emotions and not suppress them, turn them into fear of the future, punish or numb myself.
I give myself permission to believe in my dreams, and make them reality.
I give myself permission to just be.
I give myself permission to develop my own values.
I give myself permission to not by into conditions values or societies values about who I should be or what I should look like or what I should eat.
I give myself permission to take the advise of my Emilie, Marie and Clodagh and all the other therapists and care workers I see. They recovered and are healthy and happy. They no best for now, my ways haven’t worked so I will keep taking steps outside my comfort zone so that one day I too can be as happy.
I give myself permission to go to group even if I feel like the biggest person, or like a fraud that everyone else is sick and im not, that I feel ok and don’t need it, that I have nothing to say or am scared to say what I want….
I give myself permission to find different things challenging even if others find them easy. Likewise I give myself permission to do well at or enjoy or cope with things others may not.
I give myself permission to challenge ED even if others don’t, just because they don’t doesn’t mean im living in a normal or healthy way.
I give myself permission to let go of unrealistic goal weights or ideals.
I give myself permission to believe that recovery is possible even for me.
I give myself permission to use tools cause I want to not cause I have to.
I give myself permission to live without food, sleep, movement, ocd rituals.
I give myself permission to strive for total freedom and not settle for anything less.