How do you move forward in life?
Hi Guys.
I debated about whether or not to post, because I suppose what is going on in my life at the moment is life really, but I feel a bit alone about things, so then I thought, well I am sensitive, recovered, human and confused and I need a spark of hope and believe for me atm.
My life has been turbulent and up and down in so many ways over the years, and when I began my journey to recovery some time ago, I suppose in ways life stopped again, and in other ways it accelerated. I look at me, not at anyone elses journey but at me and I know in my heart that I had to put recovery before anything, I wanted to, I put everything before college, travel, friends etc.. I took out loans, my values got thrown all over the shop and in ways now I am recovered some time, its like all the fuzz has settled and now I am lost. I feel sad at times now, because although I dont at all regret recovery, I know really see how robbed I have been from ED. And at 29 now, I feel like a child, lost. I know I needed longer to settle, longer to process, maybe I made mistakes, I cant change them now, I cant, I want to move forward.
And here I am now, I moved a few months go, I needed that time in ways because everything has been about recovery and ED. All my recovery, my life has even been jumping, running, from one job to the next, one house, one course, one hobby. I see now, I feel alive and I really over the last while feel my sensitivity, my hightened awareness, and sometimes its a bit overwhelming. I realized the other day, that its actually taken me this long to really realize that I never loved myself at all or wanted to, or believed I deserved loving. Its a very isolating and heartbreaking to realize at 29. I really have pushed so many people away over the years, I didnt mean to, but I just didnt believe that I was good enough to be needed or watned. And now I see, they think I am so dependant I just dont need people and thats not true at all. I now see since I have moved and settled over a while, I dont have any one around, I dont have strong friendships, I dont have people around me to hang with or be with. And I see its because I never felt I deserved for others to like me, so now when you figure you do deserve, its not as easy. Sometimes I feel so strong and dependant its withdrawn and too much. And I want to change it, God I try and not try every day. Everyone else has moved on and unfortunatley when I lived in my head for so many years I never allowed people really in, really close so no one really values my friendships and now well its tough. I like Christmas, but I also kind of dread it, because I find it very lonely and it sort of hightlights and intensives it.
I dont feel negative or down or belittle or devalue myself, but I do feel invisisble here, I am just drifting by. So, here I am, I moved and well I have my house, I have a few great things, but there not enough, I am lonely, I desperately need more. My life is drifting by. I look at 29 and I think thats not old at all, life is just beginning. But I feel I aint living it. I feel recovered yet in ways stuck in the past. I wanted to ask anyone if they felt the same way? How did you move forward from this spot? How you made real friendships? I sort of feel wounded from the past and its still holding me back despite the fact I activly want more. I am considering leaving in January, where I aint sure yet, but I know its on the cards. I have to, I want to..
So, I hope no one gets put off from the above, its not meant to be depressing. I just want to share my feelings with those in similar circumstances. Any tips?
So glad that you did post this,I can relate to so much of this post.I too pushed people away,I jumped from one course/hobby etc to another and I get what you are saying about now that you know you deserve it it's not that easy.I am still in recovery and fighting very hard to be rid of it.I am afraid I can't offer any advice except to say 'And this too will pass'.YOU should be so very proud of yoursef,you did the work YOU are recovered.I am sure there was times that you thought recovery was beyond you but it wasn't and I am sure the life that you wish for,the strong friendships and closeness are not beyond you either.I wish you love and laughter xxx
Dear Rosebud,
There's so much I want to say to this post I'll get round to it but for now its almost midnight and I have only 6 hours before I have to be back in work so I'll have to keep it short.
Firstly I can relate to a lot you have said in this and other posts. Recovery to me has been everything I hoped for and yet nothing like I thought it would be if that makes sense. At the end of the day I guess all I wanted was to be 'normal' I saw those around me carry on with life and I wanted to live, to not get up in the morning and be consumed by thoughts of weight and food. And with recovery life is just what I got, all of life, the highs the lows, the insecurities, the fears, the joys, the laughter, the challenges, the struggles, the magic, the responsibilities, the freedoms ...... a great big melting pot of living. And I wouldnt trade it for anything different. I am a very content person. I truly believe now that this is what makes life what it is all of unknown and figuring it out as you go. But I am sometimes unhappy, I often have to take a step back and wonder what am I doing?? What do I even want out of life?
I often think of Susan Jeffers book and how she describes the airoplane going from A to B. It is never directly on track always veering a little to the left, a bit to the right and correcting itself to get back on track. But it reaches its ultimate destination despite never really being on the exact straight path. I trust my gut instinct, but I am learning to do so only by acting on it. I listen to my heart, in fact a few times in the last couple years I have defied all logic and sense to make the decision my heart wants. And it has all worked out in hindsight, but doing so took a huge leap of faith one I can never imagine having taken before recovery, before knowing that no matter what I had within me everything I needed to deal with whatevert the world can throw my way.
For some reason a lot of my fears come from the notion that you have to have it all susssed by the time you hit your thirties, the boyfriend, the career, the house, the 'plan'. Sometimes I feel as though I have a huge clock ticking over my head. And yet convention is one thing I have always hated, the ideals placed on us by society. I gain a lot of inspiration from the life stories of all the older people around me, such an array of colourful experiences and just proving you can do anything and be anyone and you never ever know how things will work out anyway or what awaits you around the next corner. No matter how much you plan life seems to throw in a few curve balls anyway so you amy as well follow your heart and be true to yourself.
Flipping a coin is one of the best ways to make a decision. I have a 2euro one that has been in my wallet since Dublin airport. And it has helped make a number of my decisions for me. But not in the usual way, when the coin is in midair I have already found my answer, whatever my heart is willing it loand on. I never even have to look at the side the coin actually lands on - thats irrelevant.
Now Ive gone off on some mad tangent!! And I really have to leave it there but will pick back up on it when I have some time. Straight after recovery was full of highs, everyhting fresh, new, colourful and then it dies down and the rebuilding has to be done because it was true for me anyway in many ways I had destroyed my life in the name of ed dropped everything for it and then for recovery and a lot of damage done and I believe now no matter what it leaves scars but also gives strength and courage you could not get elsewhere.
Take care and trust you will find your way
J x x
Hi Amelia,
When I first recovered, I went through a wow moment a lot of the time - it was like I was breathing in fresh air for the first time. In a sense there was a childlike wonder to everything, as everything seemed so new, which in reality it wasn't, but I was seeing and sensing life with fresh eyes.
I went through a challenging period, where friendships were being left behind, through growing apart and growing in different ways, and also, where any last remaining insecurities were truly challenged through conflict etc, where I had to make a choice whether it was something worth working on to try and save the friendship, and in some cases it was, whereas others I made the decision to move on, as difficult as it was at the time. I found what really helped was coming across the website www.meetup.com, where I have met up with people who have similar interests or something in my area. As uncomfortable as this may seem right now, remember this is just another learning curve on the journey of life. You are now at a transition - the earlier days of being recovered, from my own experience, are daunting, as it is a time to really figure out your place in this world, which is never stagnant. The word trust is coming to mind here, which is about letting go and trusting, that this too shall pass.
Personally, for me I found the loneliness came when I recovered as opposed to during recovery. This was as when I recovered, there were some friends I had pushed away through recovery, and found that they did not know the new me, and found the connection that used to be there was gone. Also, a lot of my friends were in committed relationships, getting engaged or married or having children of their own, so it felt as if I was left on my own a lot during those early days, and hence had to find new resources within myself. I have always been quite an independent person, so found this loneliness disheartening, but in time came to embrace it.
In love and light
Mystique
Thanks for your post mystique. I can very much identify with what you wrote and I find comfort in the fact I aint alone in how I feel. I do trust things, at the moment I am a bit stagent, unsure, confused, and in limbo really. But I trust I need to feel this process and I will learn from it. It funny, I dont identify with old ED thoughts etc, I can empathise so much as I have been there and I see for def 100% you can recover. But now I am actually alive, feeling, living, like a baby in a womans body, like every single thing is hightened. I see more clearly, I hear clearer, my taste bud is hightened, I cry harder, I laugh belly laughs, I feel very down sometimes, I feel loneliness intensely. I dont feel alone, I feel despite everything I have me, but I do see I am so independant thats its almost a barrier. I always know I have myself and thats great. I know feel in ways I probably have too many false expectations of life and of me, and maybe I never acknowledged this completely and so now I feel in ways well failed. BUT I can change it. I always remember Lees voice about "you cant change the situation but you cant change how you think about it" and thats exactly what I am doing.. Because thats what recovery thought me, life doesnt change, people dont change but what does change is how I view it all and so it does feel like life changes, its all new, exciting, scary. I see it all so differently now.
Thanks for your replys..
im also really glad u posted thsi too. ive done the above isolated meself etc and im nearly free now ive moved house and all is well but i also am lonely and empty inside sometimes because i only have my family and marino but i do have a fantastic one so i am blessed in some ways . i also dont have any1 around me house only me dad,i have no real friends never had a proper relationship with a man and im 27 never been in love never thought any1 would like me let alone love me but i do think it will happen im not a bad person or that ugly. i was and still am a little ashamed for my ed and wanted it to be hidden and still do because its classed as a mental illness to some people but i know im not mad and neither are the girls i talk too in marino. i im drifting along nicely at the moment im not doing anything major exciting but i do think finding out who i am and what i like is cool and i want more but i know it will come 1 good friend is all i want, someone 2 have a cupa with i know it will come. i have one aquantance from school who i get along with and feel com4table with and its nice. im not going looking for friends anymore because ive to be me own bestfriend first i feel, i need to work on me social skills more and getting out helps me.my past holds me back sometimes but ive really realised it dosnt help me at all and i do look fward for the future now.
i really love your postbecause its made afew things click for me especially all the shite condition used to flood my head with.im sorry didnt give any tips but you gave me plenty and thank you very much for that.
everything will work out just fine :)xx
Hi Amelia Rosebud, I can so relate to your post, In different ways but its nice to see im not alone. I've worked a lot on recovery but still life things and other nitty grittys can get in the way and i feel im not doing aswell as i should be, I Can really relate to the friends thing and boyfriends aswell. Im only still young in school so friends is hard seeing as ive learnt so much through recovery. But i have friends now but know i have loads more to meet. Sometimes i wish i could have a friend im really close to but i dont feel i need one. Id love to have a boyfriend and sometimes wonder why dont i? Whats wrong with me, not that i feel i need one to validate myself but i never have and would love to! I can really relate to about pushing people away or a way you used to be going back to my hometown where everyone knew me i felt like this and sometimes still do. Part of its habit aswell, i know for me being honest i still have problems with getting close to people trusting seeing as for so long i never did. I knw i stil need to work more on self devlopment and being solid in myself before i can share myself with somebody else, when im ready it will happen. I think your very strong for reaching out and i admire it this post has really helped me tonight. I am doing exams at the moment and things are stressful havent posted in a long time and would like to start again for myself and beacuse the iceberg community is such a nice one :) Thanks for the post again x
Rosebud, I identify so much with what you're saying. And don't feel bad for writing something 'not positive' about Recovery. It's true and therefore very helpful.
What I hear most clearly from your post is loneliness, and that's completely human and normal and understandable.
I left a relationship about a year and a half ago now, and moved back to Dublin. I had no idea how difficult it was going to be. I had been away for 2 years and constantly with my boyfriend in that time, and before I left Ireland I lived with a group of people who had become my friends, so I really felt a part of something. Then I came back, and was single, my closest friends had either left Ireland or got into very close relationships. My family were there, but as much as they mean well, they are not the people I go to when I want to feel accepted and appreciated for who I am. I felt so alone.
I really have the feeling that I'm building my life from scratch now. And it does feel very empty sometimes. I suppose not having ED frees up a lot of mental space! But for me i had to really learn to accept that while I'm fully recovered from ED, I'm still an extremely sensitive person. I still haven't recovered from my relationship break-up, I'm still not ready to do some things that I want to do, because I just feel very fragile now. And I suppose that's perfectly ok. That's what Recovery is. Acceptance of me - both when I feel great and a million dollars, and when I feel very vulnerable.
I would say that for you now the best thing you can do is accept the emotions you are feeling. They are all valid, even if they are very sad and not what you wanted or expected to feel. No emotion stays forever! Everything happens for a reason, so something good and positive is going to come from this time. Something could even be happening now subconsciously. Try to do whatever works for you to get in touch with your inner voice (yoga or meditation or walking or painting o whatever it is). Maybe an answer will come for where you want to go next, or what you want to do next. Maybe you will discover you want to stay. Whatever the answer is, you'll find it. And sometimes it just takes time for things to fall into place.
I really do know where you're coming from though! And I do think, even though it's more difficult to make friends when we're in our late 20s, it's still very possible!
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Thanks to you both for your replys. Ariel, I think you hit the nail in the head and thanks for replying because its comforting just to know that I am not alone, I could very much idenfify with what you said, and yes your right, alot of rebuilding needs to be done. I actually had a really good chat with my brother tonight, something we dont usually do, but I decided to reach out to him and just be myself, open and me. I just wanted to chat to someone about nothing really, maybe about me, my fears, just ask some advice. It felt good, I am proud I asked him because its not something I usally do and it felt good to share and talk and listen to his perspective about life, just hear someone elses interperation of life, its quite amazing really to listen to someone who sees the world so differenly to how you do. I did realise something very strong which I never knew and that is, if I ever wanted comfort or safety I would go to him, I trust him and he knows me, he accepts me, I feel close to him. So, sometimes it was good to just share, be close and be human. I aint used of just talking so openly, so real to someone really unless twas my therapist. Maybe its just taking me an extra bit of time to really trust who you can talk to warts and all..
Thanks guys x
May flowers of Happiness endlessly grow in the sweet enchanted garden of your heart.