HELP!!

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Mon, 16/01/2012 - 19:32
Rose
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Hi,

I don't know what exactly to write, I can hardly describe how I feel (despite really really bad) and I have no idea how to handle this incident I had...

If I look back, today was a real bad day, it started off badly and despite my efforts to switch to positive, non-ed thinking it continued badly ....

I had another behaviour attack. After getting on for such a long time without bingeing... I had decided to finally get healthy, to not restrict anymore but to learn to trust my body and not be afraid of losing control while doing so. I listened to my bodies needs, I started eating regularily, including nutrient-dense foods which would give me enough energy to concentrate on the day, on my exams, my hobbies, sleep well etc. I added 'bad' foods to my diet, finding that they were not as bad as I thought but they were beneficial for my health and now I misused them...? How am I to handle them with trust and confididence again?

It feels like I failed completely, like I'm unable to become healthy because as soon as I allow myself to eat I overdo it and take advantage of the situation...how am I to learn to have trust in myself, I thought I would never want to torture my body and my mind again, I was trying to get rid of the ed-voice that wanted to tell me how unable I am to recover...

How am I to proceed? I am not proud of ed but I am very dissappointed with myself for losing control like this after a few days of trying to trust my body with knowing how to refuel. I thought I was making progress, there was already so much more trust and confidence...and HOPE. Now it is all gone, because I see myself trapped in this vicious ed-circle again: either starve or overeat, but never ever become healthy. I wanted it so badly to become healthy - I want it NOW, I JUST DON'T SEE HOW BECAUSE I LOST MY WAY SINCE I THOUGHT THE ONE I WAS FOLLOWING WAS THE RIGHT ONE!! I thought it was all about trust, hope, confidence, being nice to myself, allowing myself things, not-restricting....I DID all that - what happened??

Only yesterday I was passing on tips to others and I felt so grown, so successful...I was so proud of myself, my mum told me she was so proud and we both saw myself getting healthy....I talked about such wonderful things...and now - GONE!!!

As for the physical consequences...I don't think that this one binge will do much harm...since I steel need to refuel my body, but what will the future look like...?

I feel like a traitor towards myself and towards all the others who struggle with ed...recovery felt so good...how could I destroy this amazing feeling??

Oh please please if you have ANY advice for me...!!

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Tue, 17/01/2012 - 23:58
#1
girasole
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Hi Rose, I'm sorry to hear it

Hi Rose, I'm sorry to hear it was a tough day!
Well done for all the effort you're putting into Recovery; don't use this little setback as a reason to beat yourself up! The road to recovery is a very winding one! From my own experience, behaviours used to intensify whenever I was challenging something and making progress mentality. It's confusing because it can seem like we are getting worse, but in fact we are not at all - we're heading in the right direction, but our old way of thinking and being doesn't like that, so our behaviours intensify.
Don't worry about a setback - to steal Marie's famous quote - 'there are no setbacks, only kickbacks'! - Use it to intensify your self-love, self-acceptance and determination to live a life you love, completely free of behaviours. That's the life you deserve:)

n

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Sun, 05/02/2012 - 22:26
#2
Lilly
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Hi rose, Ah I've had plenty

Hi rose,

Ah I've had plenty of bad days like these too.. You feel mechanical eating is going so well and then one bad day happens and you feel like a failure.. Truth is though you're not. You're far from a failure.

All those tips you said you have passed on, the proudness your mum has for you has not disappeared. One bad day doesn't cancel all that out. ED wants you to feel awful about it but the fact you came on here and wrote about it asking for help shows how strong a person you are. The times where I felt everything went wrong I would have given anything to be able to come on here and ask for help but was too ashamed.. You are showing ED just how strong a person you are and how willing you are to be recovered.

My only tip I can give to you is to forget this bad day and move on. Get back into your mechanical eating straight away. My councillor has told me to do this, if your slip up happens at lunch time FORGET IT, it's in the past now and go back to the next meal you're due to have..

I always feel I'm going 1 step forwards and 2 steps back, something ED loves but people around me tell me it's the opposite. I am moving forward I can't see it but everyone else can. Listen to your nearest and dearest when try tell you how proud of you try are.. They're not just saying it for the sake of it!

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

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Mon, 06/02/2012 - 13:12
#3
belle
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reply to rose

i can feel your pain right now i know exactly what your talking about this is not the end though it might seem but its actually a new beginning for rose.what worked for me is
self talk had to be soft and calm don't be so hard on yourself i know its a cliche but its true just be a friend to you at the moment.
self-care treat yourself to something even a nice cuppa tea
self credit for rose you haven't given up you are a true fighter and inspiring to others
take it minute by minute hour by hour its just a moment and it will pass.
recovery is so up and down and its never a straight line its bumpy, tough at times but its the tough times that i learned most from and that's whats brought me to where i am today.
trust it took a long time for me to trust myself my body anyone really but this came from lots of the above and PATIENCE.
you said you wanted to become healthy i reckon you wanta be free more than anything so i changed alot of my lingo like good /bad foods=everything in moderation.healthy=freedom.bad incident=setback to kickback.write a freedom language dictionary convert condition thoughts to positive thoughts.its tough work but its worth it in the end.

you haven't destroyed anything its just that recovery is so up/down at times and focus on all you have done so far and all that you are going to do rose.
you can do it :) xx

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Mon, 06/02/2012 - 18:12
#4
Rose
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Hey guys:) Thank you all so

Hey guys:)

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and inspiring replies :) I can't write often enough how much it means to me to share thoughts/feelings/experiences with others who understand and can relate to them...I forget far too often that I'm not alone!! If there's anything that can cheer me up for sure when I'm feeling down is going on iceberg, writing & reading posts:)

I'm again and again amazed how strong and unique you all are, it makes me smile again and embrace recovery....Recovery is just sooooo tough and challenging for me at the moment and I won't deny that I'm struggling with a lot of negative thoughts right now - ed is just omnipresent...:S

However reading all your lovely posts, adopting your tips and advice makes things look brighter again and challenges the condition. Recovery indeed takes A LOT of perseverance and patience...I realise this more and more;-)

I tried to summarise the wise thoughts that you passed on to me so kindly plus what I have learned myself in recovery so far:

*to look forward and not back - the past can't be changed

*to not punish yourself when something did goes wrong/didn't happen as it should have - as you say Lilly: MOVE ON!

*to give yourself credit for previous achievements - they are not lost!!

*to not immediately see intensifying behaviours as a setback but consider them as progress - very likely it means that the condition is very challenged - which is GOOD!! (really clever of you girasole, there's a lot of truth in that)

*self-care& being a friend to yourself - recovery is about coming to terms with yourself instead of bullying and destroying

*PATIENCE & TRUST (if you don't trust yourself at least trust others who care about you so that one day you'll be strong enough to see for yourself)

...well, I guess one could add a lot more there but these are the things that are most consciously in my mind right now or that I'm rather trying to KEEP in my mind;-)

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!! I'm going to take belle's advice now and start my personal freedom language dictionary - really nice idea!!;-)

Lots of love to you all - hope you had a wonderful day and will have a great evening!! Going to try to have one as well :S

xxx
Rose

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