Happy

Hi Everyone,

Recently I've gotten loads of 'unsolicited' support from different family members and not so close friends. It was all relating to job search. I've taught English pretty much since I finished my masters and that was 18 months ago - there was no contract and it was subbing here and there but it has allowed me pay for sessions and get a car and move out and live. Whilst teaching I did an internship I loved and looked for jobs in my field. I recently had an interview (a string of) for a 'career' job and I'm just waiting to hear back now.

I'm saying all this because I guess I've misused 'positivity' in that I pretended things were alright and they were/are but I didn't really make it an official line that I was looking for a job. I was embarrassed to not have one.....? My fault. I'm to blame. No point blaming Brian C or tuning into the news or b@tching about things just get on with it. I think I've been pretending everything was ok when it hasn't. And then I feel like I'm saying a job is the sole most important thing in a person's life. But I feel I've been totally powerless and willy nilly - hoping if I just kept trying hard and closed my eyes long enough it would fix itself. I feel I half live my life. I'm always waiting, checking, looking, searching. The obsessing reminds me very much of the food/calorie/exercise obsession when I tried to 'control' the ed without help from professionals. Also, somewhere along the way I decided to abandon things like keeping my gratitude diary, looking for positive aspects because I felt they were just fake smoke machines to cover the real issue at hand that was very much real.

I took a stall at a market for Christmas and after a quiet weekend I decided enough is enough Ireland. I'm not wasting my 20s being miserable looking for a job, it isn't my fault, I was programmed to be happy and I am not wasting my life and my single, non parent 20s looking for a job. I decided I'd tried an awful lot of options and trying even more was just giving me the same results. I've put a lot into recovery and I don't want to waste all I've gained by being miserable and down because I can't find a suitable job. I started applying in London today and it made me realise that it isn't so far away after all and why didn't I do this sooner? You've done so much for yourself why not go and live another place, explore the world a bit. That's what it's for isn't it?

I really think I've just obsessed soooo much to the point where I wreck my own head and have little energy left for much else even if I'm not doing so much physically. I think all the uncertainty and weekly change and not knowing has taken a big toll on me and I've dismissed all the progress I've made in recovery and have tuned out from all positives, real positives.

I really really like what M always says: what can we do about it? I really like this because so often we can complain,b@tch and and blame but after we vent what can be done about it. If I don't get the job I interviewed for I can look in London or New York. Live in the Big Apple - hands down my favourite place on the globe. I can tell myself yeah you have worked hard and tried a billion different avenues but there comes a point when enough is enough and it's time to get on with your life and whatever that takes.

A huge part of me thinks back to the law of attraction ( something I believe and something i totally dismiss) I do think my obsessing drives things away and also my non deserving and not being able to 'receive' are big players here. Deep down I don't want to 'emmigrate' it just doesn't feel right but something has to give and I'm just not willing to be down and upset and irritable anymore because of this - I'm too young, too healthy and have worked to hard to waste my days on misery. Something has to give. But it feels that it has to give mostly within me though. That's what my instinct is telling me - I need a change in my thinking about deserving and self worth and allowing that's what is really in my heart.

I have a session tm and again I'm going to have to focus on this deserving thing in order to move forward. I'm not sure this has made sense or if it's even helped me but I need to acknowledge to myself that this situation is no longer tenable. Something has to give. Something. Just something.

Thanks for reading,
J x