feeling cheated

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Thu, 29/07/2010 - 10:50
peanutbutter
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Joined: 17/07/2010
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Last night the lovely Dr.T rang my house to tell me that my bloods didnt come back too great and that I have to make alot of changes in a week. I hung up the phone and first of all felt bemused and then both scared and angry. Firstly I am soo angry at condition and maybe myself aswell. I am making huge changes, really going far in recovery, finding out about myself, my values and beleifs. I'm sticking with the meal plans, getting creative with my food and trying so hard on accepting my body. And then BANG, this comes along.Something like this comes along and threw me last night.

I guess the biggest part of my anger is with myself, not condition. I fell into its trap, no correction I still havnt left this bit of his trap when I had tried to convince myself I had. And now condition has cheated on me, how dare it. I think now and over the years I have always believed that my ED was minor. I was never super super thin, my bloods never seemed to be drastic, I got sick sometimes but in my head I constantly told myself I'm fine. Others out there are doing far far more damage to theirs bodies than I am. When I went to Dr.T I resisted it because deep down inside I believed that I had put on weight, that people including the doc would think that Im better now, that I don't have an ED anymore, to move on, get over myself and stop wasting peoples time and money.

But now, since the phonecall and a very restless nights sleep Ive realised that I was in complete denial about how I treated my body. I realise that in this particular area ED still has a firm hold on me. I still believe that my ED really wasnt and isnt that bad, that all the beautiful girls I see in group deserve and need way more help than I did and do. But that was all condition, that god foresaken pice of crap. He has been feeding me all thses beliefs that didnt even question might be crap.

Well ED, Im damn aware now, and damn angry. How dare you tell me those pack of lies. You have messed with the wrong person. My health is just as important as everybody elses, Im still suffering regardless of my weight, and I trust the docs and therapists far far more now than ever. Too bad your gonna lose this game now too

amanda xxx

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Thu, 29/07/2010 - 16:56
#1
kizzy
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reply to amanda re denial

Hi Amanda
I too have been very complacent about my physical health. I had myself convinced, through distorted thinking, that how I treated my body was okay and not as bad as another sufferer. Afterall I wasn't doing X or I wasn't doing Y. My bloods had been fine for years and unfortunately in some ways condition had allowed me to be quite savvy re getting just enough to get by, so as not to have bloodwork changes, thus allowing the condition a lengthy run. But this year the rot is setting in, my body is breaking down and I'm hurting bad. I was in denial for too many years, completely hoodwinked by condition led thinking. At times I feel I've left it too late, what does it matter anymore, why not let things accelerate and get it over with, end the suffering. But I can't afford to let that thinking creep in. The suffering just gets passed on to my family and I have to keep the effort going.
kiz

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Thu, 29/07/2010 - 20:19
#2
marie
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It is never too late :):):)

Dear Amanda and Kiz and many others in that situation,
First - Thank you, thank you for sharing with us so courageously your situation.
As someone who is living with many consequences of ED for the rest of my life and felt so often as you are describing in your post, I just would like to tell you – be so glad that you have the awareness and you are able to realise that now.
Our bodies have wonderful healing abilities, and even if maybe we need to live with some reminders and consequences, we need to focus on the healing part and to trust the body and to prevent what can be prevent it – Prevention is the cure.

Let’s start to enjoy the healing process and to heal what still can be healed.

Let’s trust the medicine and use all the great discoveries.

Let’s made our physical and mental health our value.

I just always hope that somebody will learn what I did not learn when I was in the condition.

Let’s start to encourage and learn from one another on Iceberg to cherish health and wellbeing!!!

It will all work out to our advantage in the future

Marie

There is always a solution…:):):)

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