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feel attacked

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Wed, 04/08/2010 - 22:17

kizzy

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Joined: 17/07/2010

Iceberg Positivity: 491

I'm feeling emotionally bruised tonight. A family member asked me to do something tomorrow, something that was going to put me under pressure time wise. I said it didn't suit me which opened the flood gates. Now, to be honest, condition behaviour takes up alot of my time and headspace and this request was going to interfere with condition time. The family member lost the head and got angry, saying I was selfish and that he was fed up of working around constraints of condition and what about everyone elses needs etc. This involoved angry language and me being defensive naturally.
I find this really hard to cope with, okay alot of the accusations were the truth. But from where I'm at, the expectations of the family member were way too high. What was requested I could not do just now. I am working as best I can on the behaviours and hand on heart this last 48h I was , in my mind doing well re nutrition and the negative thinking. This frustrated outburst and what I felt was a request beyond me right now, has unravelled me tonight. I'm being lured back to thinking the old way, hopeless, selfish, failure, whats the point, guilt , guilt and more negative self abusive cr...p.
Really hard one to take to bed with me.
I tried to plead my case and explain but still am finding it hard to reconsile. I'm quick to fall back into the hole. Is it always this hard ?, I don't know even what I'm saying here, to be honest. Part of me is raging, how dare he lay all that on me and I doing the best I can, I'd like to see how he'd cope with my situation, not very well I hasten to add. No I don't accept the stuff thrown my way. I'm not selfish, I'm just not able to do what was asked right now, and maybe I will in the future, or maybe I'll still say no!!!
It is difficult though for family, and I get that,and it upsets me to think about, but guilt is so destructive to me right now , that I cannot go there and even if I come across badly I have to fight to keep that kind of thinking out of my head. So tonight I magnify what things I am doing, even if miniscule in the greater picture, thats my comfort tonight.
kiz

Wed, 04/08/2010 - 23:10

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Joined: 25/12/2009

Iceberg Positivity: 218

Hang in there...

Dearest Kizzy,

Firstly, well done for all your efforts over the past 48 hours. Keep reminding yourself of these achievements.

I empathise so much with what you're experiencing right now. My own family would get so very, very frustrated with me and the constraints the condition put on my life and their lives also. Sometimes they would leave me wondering if I was making any progress at all because they wanted me recovered... yesterday! I suppose this was because they loved me and wanted me to he OK. They wanted me to live and they also wanted me to be part of their lives too. Kizzy, most of our loved-ones frustration come from the deep feelings of love and fear that they experience with an ED sufferer.

Is there any possibility of compromise in this situation? Could you give the condition a little LESS of your time and give those who love you a little more? In the end, it is he who deserves the privilege of your time, not the condition. In your post you say, "I'm not selfish, I'm just not able to do what was asked right now, and maybe I will in the future..." have you said this to your family member? You also say, "...or maybe I'll still say no!!!" which is fair enough but at least, when you are free, it will be YOU that makes that decision, NOT the bully in your head. Of course in recovery we need to learn to stop 'people pleasing' and saying yes to everything. But more importantly, we need to say a big NO to the condition.

C xx