fed up

Fed up today, fed up with myself. My head is full of shoulds, followed by self berating for not acting on them. Feel stuck and frozen in that awful place , no longer totally numb and in denial, yet nowhere near recovery, that place where awareness is improved but this is weighed down with guilt for bad behaviour and fear of making changes.
Okay so I can take credit for at least trying, I can take credit for posting today even though a big part of me says whats the point. I have made some changes in recent weeks re behaviours, but this week, I set myself some goals and just cannot muster up the courage to act on them. The week is slipping by and I'm increasingly upset with myself.
Maybe thats okay, maybe I'm being too hard on myself , as usual, but I'm so sick of all this stuff, sick of being sick, sick of being broke, sick of having no life, sick of all the hard work needed to keep on top of my negative thinking, it just seems such a mammoth task, how on earth am I going to get through, and is it even going to be worth it. I don't know. Others say it is, but right now I don't even know what recovery really means for me. I'm not sure what I'm striving towards and all I have is others word on it.
I feel done in today. Mental fatigue I think, but you can't really take a break from working on the thinking too easily once you start. Well thats my whinge over with.
Okay so what might help, well I think self forgiveness for a start, an early night, maybe some silly stuff on TV, take my mind off stuff. Maybe a small change re dinner this evening , nothing too hard, just enough to keep ED on its toes and remind him who's boss beneath it all.
Looking forward to next session, might help me re group
kiz