Fear
Fear is something I still constantly have around food.
I just can't break free of the rigidness. I stick to my plan all day every day but to be honest I'm starting to get sick of the same thing day in day out. New foods are a worry because,of course,condition doesn't like them so shines me away from trying them. All it focuses on is body,size,weight gain etc....It does my head in.
I look at my best friends wolfing down chocolates,chipper,pizza,sweets,(not the typical food perceived as healthy basically),different things everyday happily and envy them. I wish I had great freedom around food but I don't. Everyday I'll say ''Right I won't have this today,I'll try something different,'' but that plan never goes ahead. I chicken out.
I just find it so hard to trust my body. I really really do.
When my mam says ''eat like normal people do,'' I just don't know what that means because what is ''normal eating,''??. I'm so used to eating the way I have been that I haven't a clue how to vary food or change it. I think sometimes it's so strange knowing exactly what you're going to have to eat everyday, at the exact times you're going to have them.
I thought I had been doing so well but I just don't know now.I'm starting to fear food*new food),calories,weight gain all over again...
Hello my dear littleMermaid,
May I just say, first and foremost, that the challenge you are encountering and sharing here is something everybody goes through during recovery, it is nothing unusual and thus nothing that you can't deal with in the end. So that is already something positive, isn't it?
I remember a time during my recovery where I was in a similar position. I had finally began to eat regularly, every 2-3 hours, started to feed my metabolism. It was a rather rigid regime initially, but AT LEAST it was already much better than the self-destructive behaviours I had around nourishment before.
However, then came a point where I started to get bored of "the same food all the time, every day", the whole rigidity around this mechanical eating began to wear me out, stress me out. I felt My goodness, will this ever change? Does recovery mean I will eat rigidly like this for the rest of my life?!?
Not a very encouraging thought, don't you think?
But see, things changed, when I was fed up enough of this I decided that I needed change, move on, take recovery a step further and try something new.
So, littleMermaid, first of all, be proud of yourself that you have got to where you are now. This has taken a lot of determination, I am certain, and you have worked on recovery hard to get to a stage where you actually are able to follow mechanical eating, fueling your metabolism regularly. Fantastic!! Well done my dear!!! Do not belittle the fact that YOU were well able to get to this place.
Fear is something that paralyses, something that we often see as False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear originates a lot in condition-communication. If you rephrase your fears with recovery-communication they sound almost a bit silly.
New foods are only a worry for condition voice. And like you say, it is the condition, not littleMermaid, that focuses on size and condition values.
Always remember that What you focus on increases, thus, the more you focus on these unreal and distorted fear, the bigger they become. Pizza seems to grow a monster face, that roars at you as soon as you set your eyes on it. In the condition head one bite of chocolate doubles you in size... Hahaha, isn't that just awful silly, really? It seems a bit like the Halloween mood has slipped into all sorts of different foods and converted them into little monsters that bite you back.
Maybe also change the way you think about yourself in this challenge. You choose to stick to your plan at the moment, but as your metabolism increases with regular fuel, your needs are actually increasing too, and on top of that you have exams, so much more energy needs than normal.
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Another thing is your observing your friends "wolfing down" foods what you wouldn't see as healthy. Might this be a little exaggerated with the condition? If they really "wolf down" these foods, then I doubt that this is "normal eating"
I personally very rarely eat chocolates, pizza or sweets, and I can't remember the last time I went to the chipper...merely because I just dont particularly like that stuff any more... However, I don't ever think twice to have these things when I feel like it.
You can change the way you look at food: forget about "calories" these are just empty numbers that say nothing about the actual nourishment; forget about weight gain, because this is really just a condition monster, focus more at repairing your body, gaining health; stop scaring you off new food, rather become curious about different tastes, take a bite, chew it really well, focus on the different smells and flavours, become a tourist in the world of food, open up your mind to new horizons...
Do you feel that all this is easier said then done?
Then stop and think again: Anything in the world can be easier said than done, but in reality this phrase is really just a very easy cop-out that supports procrastination. You CAN do what you set your mind to. Change your focus on curiosity and recovery, dare the next step...you will see that it is actually easy in the end.
Oh, and please, don't doubt your own progress thus far, you thought you were doing so well, and that is true. Just look back and see where you were a year ago...two years ago? It is the condition voice that is trying to sabotage you now that you are so determined to recover, condition is putting the doubts in your head...but you have the power to choose if you want to listen to it or rather say "shut up" and move forward.
Doubt the fears, not your recovery!!
Keep it up, littleMermaid, little step by little step you are moving forward.
Love,
xxx Robin xxx
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